The Art of Intimacy

I'm back... after two years!

2012-01-06T09:14:00.003-05:00

Wow, I can hardly believe it has been two years since I last posted on this blog. I'm hoping to return and again make this blog a part of my life.

First, thank you to all the many readers who share their thoughts on this blog and send me messages. I feel deeply honored to have perhaps added a touch of encouragement or hope or help to my fellow travelers. The journey is not always easy and the more we support one another the better will be our world!

Let me catch you up...

Over the few years, life has taken on a few new twists and turns. (Life sure has a way of doing that sometimes, ya know)?

In addition to my regular busy schedule trying to manage family, my private practice, and life in general, we "adopted" a young man into our family. As a permanent foster mother of a teenager with some extraordinary challenges, my "extra" time became non-existent.

Over the last two years, my little, gentle, peaceful world turned into a wild roller coaster ride; a ride that has you hanging on for dear life! It is a ride that is literally about life and death for this young man who is now a part of our family!

I heard a quote many years ago that stuck with me and has become a foundational guide in my life; "I have never been impressed by those who want to change the world; I am more awed by those who struggle to make one small difference."

Well, as a mental health counselor specializing in issues of abuse, I know the heart wrenching reality of maltreated children. I know of the need to surround these children with support, love and care. More than anything I know there are thousands, even hundreds of thousands of children who need a family! We struggle to make one small difference!

So, as they say, "be the change you want to see in the world." I believe that as we reach out to heal our world, to love and give, miracles can happen!

Life is settling down... not too much, (smile), but enough that I believe I will have time to get back to this blog!

I am going to take a little different approach, and will try to answer some questions in a post rather than try to respond to every email or comment.

Blessings of love and peace to you,

Jennifer

Determination and Commitment to Marriage

2010-01-20T09:12:00.003-05:00

Determination and commitment are two essential ingredients to achieving our goals. We know this. Nothing new.

What we may forget is that a healthy and loving marriage is a goal and requires these two crucial elements to achieve.

From Mario Andretti, a quote that wasn't intended for achieving a goal of a beautiful marriage but certainly fits!

“Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek.”

An unrelenting pursuit of your goal... An unrelenting pursuit of a great marriage and loving relationship!

A great marriage doesn't just happen, it definitely requires unrelenting energy, commitment, and determination!

My Brother Died...

2009-08-21T14:07:00.003-05:00

On August 10th, this world lost one of the most amazing people there could ever be, my brother Jack.

After a difficult few years dealing with cancer and its many complications he is finally free of pain and no longer struggling for life. And we will miss him... so very much.

Everyone who knew my brother was touched by his deep kindness, his concern for each person he met, and the depth of his love and care for humankind. He was one of those incredible people who know what it is to live in a state of compassion, literally changing the lives of those who even briefly had a chance to meet him.

The kindness he has shown will not be forgotten, in fact I'm certain he has impacted this planet in ways far beyond what he could have imagined. As he traveled the world he shared his gifts of gentleness and understanding with whomever he encountered.

I recall a fabulous story of a time when he was in Thailand and a prostitute kept soliciting his services. He asked her if she had children; she did. He asked her how much for one day; she responded twenty dollars. He gave her twenty dollars and told her to go spend the day with her children.

Jack was just like that.

Always taking care of people. Always concerned for children. In fact, several years ago he gave up a very successful career in the US and moved to Vietnam to open schools in impoverish areas.

He truly used his time on this Earth to make the world a better place.

Even as he approached death, he was thinking of everyone else.

Just a few weeks ago, as I sat in the emergency room with Jack and his wife, Jack was hooked up to oxygen and had been heavily sedated, while his wife and I softly chatted; I commented on how cold the ER was. We thought Jack was pretty out of it but he pushed the button on the remote control for the nurse. The nurse quickly entered the room and Jack, using all his energy said in a raspy voice, "warm blanket." She immediately returned with a warm blanket and began to spread it over Jack when he said, "for my sister."

Always thinking of others.

I miss him so much.

To those who have written me in the past month, I'm sorry I have not returned emails and responded to comments. I have been out of town, away from my computer and spending time with my brother, and then planning his funeral. It has been a long and difficult few months.

Please know I read all comments and emails and while I may not completely catch up, my heart goes out to you. I will do my best to get back to you but it may take a while.

Love to all,

Jennifer

Love Your Beloved... You Never Know How Much Time You Have Together

2009-07-31T19:20:00.005-05:00

I rarely post anything personal on this blog but today is an exception.

I just returned from a very difficult trip to my home town to visit with my brother who has been suffering with cancer over the last few years. His days are limited, and the world is about to lose one of the most beautiful of souls ever to grace this planet.

And, his wife of only three years is about to lose her incredible husband.

It is these very difficult times in life, when we remember what is really important. What is important is not our home, our position, our possessions; it is not who wins a fight, who has picked up the laundry or taken out the trash.

What is important is our loved ones.

To all my readers, please take a minute to remind yourself how much you love your beloved. Take the time to express how deeply you care; how grateful you are, and how important your love and relationship is.

Ponder for just a moment how you would feel if you knew you only had a few days or weeks together.

Laugh together. Enjoy each other. Cherish one another.

Let go of the unimportant. Renew your commitment. Deepen the intimacy.

More than anything.... love.

Not Feeling the Vibe? Ten Simple Ways to Fall in Love, Again

2009-07-16T09:54:00.003-05:00

Not feeling the vibe?

Can't get excited about your partner?

Feel the love is dying?

Need help?

Glad you checked in today!

I've posted several articles on falling in love and rekindling the romance but it has been a while and I have had a request to share some really specific and concrete things you can do today, right now, or this week to change the dynamics of your relationship and start feeling excited about your partner.

Simple, fun, and effective! Here you go....

Ten simple ways to fall in love, again:

1. Enjoy memories. We know that our emotions are connected to thoughts, so when we reflect on good, happy memories we recreate the emotions and feelings in our body/mind that went along with the experience. Our great feelings are associated with those we shared the experiences, so while we don't want to live in the past, enjoying our memories together is a simple way to enjoy our partners.

2. Plan for the future and share your dreams. Having something to look forward to is one of the keys to living a happy life. We humans seem to need goals, dreams, hope, and a purpose. Without them we tend to get stuck; life may seem boring or purposeless. When we share our dreams, work toward our goals and envision a future with our partner, we tend to work toward this future. Again, this doesn't mean we don't live in the present and enjoy the moment, it just means we hold our dreams in our hearts.

3. Live in the present. Of course this comes next. Enjoy the moment. Take each second of beauty and expand it, bask in it, allow it to fill your soul. Don't let even one minute of joy, laughter, or pleasure be taken for granted. Allow yourself to treasure the time you have with your partner; look for those moments of quiet peace, or vibrant joy, or wild excitement. If they are few and far between, make more of them!

4. Demonstrate appreciation. Show your partner you care. Tell your spouse you love him. Do everything you can to make sure your beloved knows (doesn't have to guess), that you adore and cherish her. Don't assume they know and don't think that because you mentioned it a few years ago they remember.

5. Look for the good in your partner. Remember when you first met? You saw nothing wrong with your significant other. She was fabulous; he was perfect. Of course in time we tend to see a little more of each other and that impression may fade just a tad so consciously find (not just look) for the great qualities and traits of your mate. Don't just come up with a thing or two, how about write down a hundred wonderful things about your partner, then share it!

6. Engage in new activities. Humans tend to thrive on new experiences. There is something innate in us where we want to learn, grow, and expand our knowledge, understanding, or talents. It seems to me that we often get into ruts with our partners, doing the same things over and over again when one of the great ways to get out of the rut and to put some vibrancy into the relationship is to get out and do something new. Try something really unusual, or out of the ordinary for a change!

7. Have lots of fun. It is so much to laugh together. I'm thinking it is nearly impossible to not love those who make us laugh and those whose days we can brighten. Lighten up, find the humor in everything, and have lots of fun.

8. Work on projects together. Be a team! Find something that you and your partner can create together. When a couple is working in unison to bring forth something beneficial to their family, their neighborhood, their community, the world, or even animals, they can create a bond that is incredibly powerful. When working toward an important goal, we tend to see the greatness in each other, find ways to support one another, and have a deeper sense of the importance and strength of the relationship.

9. Remember what is truly important in life. Think about what is important in the long term, not what will give you a moment of pleasure. Reflect on how you want your life to be remembered when you are ninety years old. Ponder what you truly value in life. Remind yourself of your core personal values or morals. It might be that you move from wanting more excitement in your life right now to holding a desire for true and lifelong devotion and love.

10. Give attention and support your beloved. It sounds strange but we know that the more we give, care, or serve another the more we love them; NOT the more they love us but the more we love them. We love those to whom we give love and care and attention and service. The more you give the more you love. Cool!

Don't give up. So long as you believe the relationship is worth saving, so long as you want the relationship to be healed I hold it as possible. Remember relationships are not the fantasy of perfect bliss for eterntiy. They are a dynamic process that may have some low and high moments; they have their struggles and challenges. The key to keeping the relationship alive is to move through the problems and not let them take over your life and your love!

I invite you to check out my other articles on this topic!

Do you have a Question?

2009-07-07T08:04:00.005-05:00

Something new, an idea inspired by my readers!

If you have a question or something about which you wish me to blog, relating to long term relationships or intimacy, please ask it in the comment section of this blog and I will respond as quickly as possible.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Jennifer

Top Ten Reasons Not to Have an Affair

2009-06-25T14:53:00.005-05:00

Top ten, (make that fifteen), reasons not to have an affair:

1. You will regret it when it is over. I promise.

2. Many people will be hurt. You know this is true. You will be caught and marriages, children, and families will suffer.

3. It will end badly. It always does. Your heart will be broken, or your family will be broken, or your life will be broken.

4. Lying and deceiving are not good for your health. This is nothing new. The deception and lies that go along with an affair are nothing short of harmful to your body, soul, and spirit.

5. You will lose the respect of others right along with your self-respect. No question about this.

6. You promised you would be faithful. Remember your wedding day? Remember how many times you promised you would be faithful? Always there for each other? Love forever and ever? Don’t forget it!

7. It is morally, ethically, spiritually, positively, absolutely, undeniable and reliable wrong, (borrowing from the Wizard of Oz). Whatever your belief system, religion, or faith tradition, unfaithfulness is one of those universal “sins.”

8. Your partner deserves better. I don’t care how bad she or he is, you do not need to stoop so low as to be the one who inflicts this sort of harm on your former beloved. If he or she is that bad get a divorce.

9. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you; another one of those universal truths that help us know how to live a decent life. Would you want your partner to engage in similar behavior? Enough said.

10. Your fling is not worth destroying your marriage and family. Seriously, while the affair may be enticing, why not fix your marriage rather than destroying it. I can pretty much guarantee that if you expend the same amount of energy into your marriage as you would an affair, it would be a wonderful relationship.

11. It is a huge time waster. I know it sounds fun and alluring and all that, but, your time would be better spent on caring for your loved ones, playing with children, working on your relationship, or engaging in something that benefits others rather than hurts them.

12. The world does not need more people who are unfaithful, slimy, and dishonest. We have enough people who care less about their relationships and families and children What we need are more people who live a good and decent life with at least a modicum of integrity.

13. Rationalizing and justifying it will not make it right, it will just take away the guilt for a time. But guess what? The guilt will come back. It always does. You don’t get a free pass. Harming the one you promised to love, destroying your family in such a way, betraying your spouse, all come with consequences; and they are not pretty.

14. Affairs don’t lead to happiness, they destroy it. While they may offer a bit of fun and excitement they are not about joy or peace or happiness. Far from it. Affairs may imitate joy for a time but in the end, they only destroy it.

15. You know better. If you are reading this, contemplating an affair, stop and listen to your gut, (not another particular organ). Truly listen to what you know is right and honest and healthy for you. Don’t let your desire for an ego boost and a little excitement override what you know is the decent way to live. Do not let that fantasy take what is real from your life. Walk away. No, make that, RUN away.

Now, if your marriage is without hope for healing, if your partner is a horrible person, if your marriage is filled with abuse, or if you are so miserable in your relationship that you need to end it, get a divorce.

AFTER the divorce you can go out and find someone else. But, don't start another relationship until the current one is over and the end is finalized!

I'm writing this but anyone reading this knows it. Affairs come when we ignore what we know to be true; when we think the rules don't apply to us, or that we are the exception to the rule. Guess what... the rules of life do apply to you and you are not the exception.

If you are contemplating an affair... stop. If you are in an affair, stop.

Today!

Two Questions, Eight Answers to Dramatically Improve your Marriage

2009-05-04T13:34:00.007-05:00

Sometimes we need a little help in starting a conversation to improve our marriages. While we all know communication is vitally important to a healthy marriage, it is amazing how difficult it can be at times to openly discuss our challenges, needs, or desires.

Here is a very simple technique that you may find enormously helpful. It only takes a few minutes but can provide you with some valuable information to help you and your partner know how to make your marriage more fulfilling and fabulous.

Here is what you do:

1. On two pieces of paper write the two questions below. Each partner gets one sheet of paper.

2. Both you and your partner answer the questions then guess how your partner will answer them. (Four answers each).

3. Share your thoughts! Discuss your answers!

Simple enough right?

What are the two questions?

1. How can I make our marriage better?
2. What would my partner like me to do to keep our marriage alive and vibrant?

Most of us, when we stop to think about it, know there are things we can do to improve our marriage. The problem is, sometimes we are too busy, too distracted, even too tired to take the time to contemplate and bring to our mind what we know.

And, sometimes we are so into our own stuff that we don't take the time to consider what are the needs of our partner. We may be caught up in complaining, or wishing for something different that we forget to focus on our partner.

OK, one last step, (smile) act on your information!

Now that you have some great ideas and have hopefully opened up some discussion, it is time to reinvest in your marriage and do all those little things that can nourish your relationship!

Love or Loving? My Most Important Post Ever

2009-02-16T15:53:00.005-05:00

In thinking about how to title this article, I came up with several ideas... how to heal your marriage, or how not to have an affair, or how to get back that loving feeling, or the most important thing you must do to have a healthy marriage.

Hopefully, as simple as this article is, I hope it will address all of the above.

The most common struggle I hear these days is, "I love my spouse but I am no longer in love."

Today, we are often given the message that marriage must be a wild and crazy perfect affair 24/7 or else we better find another partner. We "fall out of love" and want to move on.

It is a difficult situation when women and men no longer feel they are in love with their partners, or no longer feel that lovely intimate connection they once enjoyed.

Often, this sentiment leads to affairs; emotional, cyber, or physical intimate relationships outside of the marriage. As we all know, this is one of the most harmful and damaging of all behaviors in a marriage, potentially ending the relationship and destroying a family.

So, let me address, what I consider one of the most difficult of challenges in a marriage.

To begin, I would like to discuss the difference between love and loving.

We often, and in the above situation use the word, "love" to describe a general feeling of care or sisterly/brotherly love. "Love" could be used to describe ones feeling for the neighbor down the street or a stranger across the planet. It is a nice word that denotes concern and perhaps even a degree of empathy. In the past this form of love was called "philos" meaning deep friendship.

When a person says they love their partner but are not in love, these feelings are often that to which they refer.

Loving, on the other hand is completely different. It is a powerful verb meaning you are doing something. You are acting. You are involved and active. it is a participatory word.

Take a minute and ponder what it means for you to be loving. What sorts of actions do you do when you are loving another? Perhaps you are engaging in sexual intimacy? Maybe giving gifts? Maybe being kind and considerate? Maybe you are complimentary or demonstrating love in some way?

Now, here is the big secret. If you are not "in love" with your partner it is because you are not loving him or her.

When a man says, "I love my wife but I no longer am in love with her," I hear, "my wife is a good person but I am not loving her"

Similarly, if a woman says, "my husband is a nice man but I am no longer in love with him; what I know is that, the wife cares about her partner but is not loving him.

In other words, to truly be "in love" requires you are loving.

Conversely, if you are not loving, you will not be "in love".

This is a simple idea yet can have extraordinary impact on a relationship.

Too often people have the mistaken notion that being "in love" just happens. This is just not so. Remaining in love with someone requires you are loving. It requires you engage in the relationship in loving ways. You must demonstrate and bring love to the relationship.

The more you are loving the stronger the bonds of love.

There is a little adage that, without clear understanding is slightly uncomfortable for me, yet it does describe a fundamental truth. It is this, "fake it until you make it."

At first it sounds like you must pretend to love someone, lying and deceiving another which of course is not at all what this phrase is trying to convey. What it is pointing out is that, if you act in a loving way, you create love. As you act lovingly you come to more fully love your partner.

If you are loving your partner, you find yourself "in love" with him or her.

If you are one who is finding someone other than your spouse compelling, attractive, and alluring, perhaps flirting with the possibility of an affair, or even actually involved in a relationship outside your marriage, think about your behavior. Most likely, it is loving. In other words, you are acting in a loving way. Maybe bringing your best self to the relationship; filling your conversations with compliments, concern, and care. Maybe you are showing affection, looking for the good, focusing on the person of your desire. You know, doing all those things that we do when we are first attracted to someone.

And what about your spouse? Most likely you have stopped putting forth the effort. You no longer are loving your spouse. You are no longer engaged in the very acts of loving that create intimacy and deepen love.

The point is, YOU hold the key to how much you love and how much you are in love with your partner. YOU have it in your mind and heart to act lovingly or not. YOU have it in your power to be loving.

Love is not something that just happens. And remaining in love with your partner most definitely will not happen unless you give everything you have to the relationship. To keep the marriage alive, to remain in love with your spouse it is not enough to just love, you must be loving.

Notice how it may feel to tell your spouse, "I am loving you," rather than, "I love you." The first describes something you are doing, not just something that may be a feeling similar to how you feel about your childhood friend of long ago.

Finally, a reminder about the stages of love, or attraction versus love. I have posted about this numerous times so I will be brief. There is a big difference between the initial stage of attraction and what is deep and complete love. While the first feels wildly exciting, passionate, and extraordinarly enticing, it is not true love. It is simply a bunch of chemicals in your brain that get ignited to get you to mate with someone; very primitive actually. This is not love. Not at all.

And, we all know this elation goes away after a year or two. No matter how wild and wonderful a relationship may start out, you know the superficial ecstacy is going to diminish in time.

What can replace this are deep feelings of comfort, security, intimacy, and deep passion, and the profound true love that comes from sharing ones life with another.

This however requires care and attention and the behavior that will bring it forth. It doesn't just happen.

For those who no longer feel "in love" with their partners, I would offer the idea to begin loving your partner. Begin focusing your energy and attention, time and devotion to your spouse. Do everything you can to bring love forth and give it to your spouse.

As the saying goes, fake it until you make it, or rather, be loving until you realize you are in love once again!

After Your Affair, picking up the pieces

2009-02-04T11:30:00.005-05:00

I've had several comments, emails, and questions from those who have engaged in an affair so this response is directed to those who have had an affair, regret their behavior, and want to repair the damage to themselves, their loved ones, and those they have hurt.

There is no getting around the fact that an affair is one of the most hurtful of all betrayals. The damage is at times irreparable, yet at other times it can be overcome. As I frequently have stated, marriages can heal from all sorts of challenges if both partners are willing to do the work. I don't say it is easy, but it is possible and it does indeed happen.

We know that the victims of affairs are seriously devastated at the discovery their partner has been deceitful and unfaithful. They are hurt, often beyond what they think they can bear.

It is also true that often, those who have affairs are filled with enormous pain due to the suffering and pain they have caused.

My personal belief is that there are consequences to behavior; when we engage in behavior that is deceitful, there will eventually come guilt, regret, and sorrow for mistakes. It is normal and appropriate. An affair is obviously one of the most extreme forms of hurt that can be inflicted on another so the guilt can be enormous and extraordinarily painful.

Is there any hope? Can one ever move beyond the pain of inflicting such cruelty on their beloved?

My answer is yes.

Again, it takes work, but yes, we can heal and grow and find peace, even after we have made terrible mistakes.

How is it possible to once again find joy?

Let me offer five suggestions. These ideas are not meant to be a cure-all, nor are they exhaustive, but perhaps they can be a beginning and offer a path to start the healing process.

1. Change behavior. Immediately, change whatever behaviors brought you to the affair. Stop emailing those who tempt you. Limit your acquaintances to those who bring out the best in you. Do not engage in those sorts of activities that you know bring out behaviors that move you toward inappropriate behavior. Spend more quality time with your partner and family. In short, do whatever you can to live a decent life free of any and all behaviors that may lead to more mistakes.

2. Make amends. Obviously, anyone who has had an affair needs to sincerely apologize. Once trust has been broken in such a dramatic way, it may take some time to once again regain it. There will be a period of time where the victims of the affair feel completely on guard and even unwilling to trust. The hurt is deep and will require significant demonstration of trustworthiness to heal. Allow time for healing to occur. Be patient, more patient than you ever thought possible.

3. Fix the problems. While I in no way even remotely suggest an affair is the fault of anyone other than the one who engaged in the affair, it is true that few, (if any), affairs occur in a happy and healthy marriage. Consequently, if one or more partners has had an affair it is a big red flag that something is wrong in the marriage, or one or both partners are not happy in the marriage.

It is time to fix whatever problems are in the marriage. This may require a therapist, and/or some serious work, regardless, the marriage won't improve or get back on track unless the problems of the marriage are dealt with and worked through.

4. Find support. Whether one find support and strength in their religious beliefs, families, friends, or some other support group, now is a good time to call on those who will help you live the life you envision. Surround yourself with the best influences you can find.

Some people find value in reestablishing connections with their spiritual or religious communities, others find a need to reconnect with Source, or their highest self... whatever will help you embrace your core values of honesty and faithfulness will be beneficial.

5. Immerse yourself in goodness and kindness. If you are spending your time working toward strengthening your marriage, enjoying your family, and being the best human being possible, not only do you eliminate much of the distraction of inappropriate relationships, you also find your own sense of purpose and value increasing. Your self esteem, your sense of authenticity, your sense of being blossoms.

In other words, the more you heal your marriage and invest in your family, the less you will find other inappropriate relationships tempting; the more you engage in what is truly important in life, the less you will feel a desire for the superficial ego boost that comes from attention and attraction.

To sum it up, you can move beyond your own pain and sorrow. It will take some work and it will take some time but you can.

Will you ever forgive yourself?

As you overcome your personal challenges and view your affair as a serious mistake from which you can learn, you can grow and move on. If however, you remain in the mindset and environment that brought you to your affair, you may remain in the state of sorrow and guilt.

My hope is that after an affair, if both partners want remain together, they can come together to heal their marriage, strengthen themselves, and find their marriage even stronger than before.

Again, it does require serious commitment and change. It requires forgiveness, love, and hope.

Warmest wishes to those struggling with the after effects of an affair,

Jennifer

When is it OK to Have an Affair?

2009-01-05T15:53:00.003-05:00

Question:

When is it OK to have an affair?

Answer:

NEVER!

The excuses for an affair are plentiful... we have heard them all: She listens to me; he makes me feel alive; he is my soul mate; I'm not attracted to my wife anymore; we have grown apart; I don't love him anymore; I can't help how I feel; I just don't love him anymore; I didn't intend this, it just happened; we have so much in common, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

All of the reason are just excuses, none of which are valid.

The truth is, happiness is not possible when living a life of deceit, betrayal, and lies.

Joy and cruelty just don't mix; in fact they repel one another.

Sure, it may feel exciting to have an affair. That attraction phase of a relationship is wild and crazy and powerful. No question about this. It feels good to have a new confident, intimate friend, and lover. That euphoric state is pretty intense and of course it is entrancing to be seen by someone whose view of us is clouded by those magical attraction endorphins.

Regardless, an affair is not appropriate nor does it lead to happiness, joy, or peace.

While an affair may initially feel fabulous, it will ultimately lead to misery, unhappiness, and regret.

Don't live a deceitful life that will fill your world with sorrow and unhappiness.

If you are unhappy with your relationship, either revitalize it or end it.

Transitions and Speed Bumps, and how to Approach those Challenges of Life

2008-12-22T09:58:00.006-05:00

You notice you are feeling unfulfilled in life; perhaps your relationship feels uncomfortable, possibly the romance and love seem absent.

Maybe your relationship has been allowed to wither or maybe you are facing a new situation.

I think it is safe to say most couples, at one time or another have experienced this.

While there are many circumstances that could impact a relationship, this post is directed to those most challenging times of transition.

Many couples notice a distinct, often very unpleasant change in their relationship, (and even themselves), during a few specific times of life; the birth of a baby, job changes, moves, midlife, empty nesting, illness, or basically any time the flow of life seems disrupted or altered.

What is happening and what do you do?

Well, it is called life and it is about growth.

Let me begin to address this topic with a little analogy.

Your body is "set" to maintain a temperature range between 97-100 degrees with the average about 98.6 degrees. Your body, miraculously knows this. It knows the ideal state of functioning. When your body gets too hot, alarms go off in your body and all sorts of things start happening without you even thinking about it. You start sweating, you slow down, your appetite goes away, you get thirsty, you may take off a sweater or take shelter from the sun.

Conversely, when you get too cold, your body knows exactly what to do to get your temperature up again. You start to shiver, conserve energy, your muscles tighten; you put on more clothing, turn up the heat, or crave hot soup.

What we see happen in your body is that the minute your form notices something is wrong it immediately kicks into gear to get you working in a optimal state.

Your body doesn't say to itself... "I'm hot, time to die," nor does it think, "it is cold outside, I don't like it, time to stop working". Nope... it finds solutions to get yourself working in its optimal condition and state.

Now... back to your relationship.

When you notice you are in an unhealthy place or your relationship is not working well what do you do?

Do you just give up and let the relationship die? Or do you kick into gear and do all those things you know will help you bring your relationship back to a healthy and fulfilling state?

Your body doesn't just stop functioning the minute you go out on a cold morning, or spend time in the summer sun... (as it moves into a new environment). Nope, it makes the necessary adjustments to get you back to a manageable state.

And, your relationship can overcome the challenge and become healthy once again as well.

The problem is for many of us, we have this idea that marriage should be a perfect state of bliss (or at least easy and comfortable) and we forget that a challenging time doesn't mean the relationship should end any more than your body thinks a hot summer day means death.

The reality is, those difficult times mean we have to readjust. We are given some warming signs (feelings of discomfort, being unfulfilled, desiring something new, etc. etc.), that are alerting us to do something different.

So, the question is... what do you do if you want to save your marriage and family?

The simple answer is that you do all those things you know help your relationship.

The more specific and direct answer is you step back and look at what is going on in your relationship. Take an inventory of what you have not been doing to nourish the relationship. Notice what sorts of important nutrients have been missing in your partnership.

Are you spending quality time together? Supporting each other's individual goals and dreams? Helping each other with their new responsibilities or duties? Are you focusing on gratitude, kindness, giving, and all those qualities that bring meaning into your life? Are you in balance or out of harmony with your health and personal well being?

This is not the time to complain or blame. We all know how fruitless this is right?

This is the time to decide you will do everything you can to make your marriage work. This is the time to recommit, rededicate yourself to your partner and approach the challenge together, knowing you will get through it.

Because, if you as a couple want to get through it and decide you will, guess what? You will.

You take the challenge as an opportunity to overcome the difficulty and make your marriage more strong, more loving, and more healthy.

This is not the time to give up and move on. Not at all.

And here is the most important part of all....

Marriages become stronger as a couple works together to overcome those times of crisis in a relationship.

When you see older couples who have a soul mate sort of relationship, they radiate love and joy not because they have had a lifetime of bliss without challenges. It is because they have worked together through the difficult times.

Too often couples think of those transitional times, those times when we reevaluate our lives and partners, as a time to move on and end our marriage when that response is not at all the answer.
Too often we are looking for a new job, a new life, a new partner to fulfill us. We think happiness is outside of ourselves when in fact happiness is unconcerned with the external.

The response to challenge is not to give up and end the marriage but to kick into gear and revitalize your relationship.

I've posted many articles to address specific topics, techniques, and behaviors to create and maintain a healthy and loving relationship, and I invite you to peruse them, but this article is hoping to remind us all to not give up but to reinvest in our marriages.

Remember those speed bumps that remind us to slow down? They help us realize how fast we are going and tell us we need to consciously step on the brake and pay attention.

Think of a life transition as a speed bump; a time to wake up, slow down, and consciously do what is necessary to heal the marriage and restore the beauty and love that was once there.

Warmest wishes,

Jennifer

Note... as always, I am not suggesting one remain in a physically and/or emotionally abusive and dangerous relationship.

Online Chats, Online Relationships, and Online Affairs... why I am not a fan

2008-12-06T12:12:00.004-05:00

For most of human history, humans were limited in their relationships to the few people in their immediate tribe, community, or locale.

But all that has changed!

Over the years as travel has become safe and simple, and as communication has expanded we have moved in a new world... a world where we can easily chat with anyone the world over. And not only can we informally visit, we can get to know each other and even have intimate relationships.

While obviously this is an amazing transformation of human life and society, it is not without its dangers.

And, while I love the idea of getting to know people all over the world, I'm also aware of how many marriages are being hurt by online affairs.

With the extraordinary possibilities of social networking people are reconnecting with old flames, high school sweethearts, and former lovers. Along with this people are contacting plenty of new potential lovers.

This is a great thing for single women and men who are looking for new relationships but not so great for married people who are not thrilled with their spouse, bored with their circumstance, or tired of their current situation.

As enticing as it may be, for many marriages going through difficult times, finding an old lover or igniting a new spark may not be in the best interest of the partnership and in some cases may cause the relationship to end.

While many (I think most) marriages can work through the normal challenges of married life if given the time and attention, an online relationship can destroy even the chance of healing.

Why I am not a fan...

First, a healthy vibrant relationship takes a lot of time, care, and energy.... work. I'm convinced that the time and energy some people devote to their online relationships would be enough to make their marriage fabulous if it were expended in this direction.

Secondly, online relationships are ones where the people are presenting their best most fabulous self. OF COURSE this is enticing to those living with a real person imperfections and all. It is easy to notice all the quirks and faults of our partners when we are in another relationship with one who presents as perfect.

Third, while fantasy is nice and we may dream of a perfect spouse, a perfect marriage, a perfect life, reality is not so simple and easy. Online relationships tend to encourage or support the idea that we should not settle for anything other than perfection, ease, and comfort. We get the impression that happiness is found in the other person, that our partner is just not right for us, that life would be better with someone else.

The reality is, people are not perfect. Relationships require attention and care. Marriages can be strong and healthy if given the opportunity and energy. What a struggling marriage does not need is the competition of another fantasy relationship.

Any relationship that destroys the marriage, harms one's partner, requires energy better given to the partnership is not a healthy one and should be avoided.

As I often state... if your marriage is in trouble do everything you can to heal it before you give up on it. If, after you do everything you possible can (and then some) you find there is no hope, then end the marriage and begin anew.

Do not enter another intimate relationship (online or otherwise) until you are divorced.

I'll repeat... do not enter another intimate relationship (online or otherwise) until you have ended the first relationship.

If you are currently having an online intimate affair best let it go, recommit to your marriage, and devote your time and attention to real life, real people, and your real relationships.

If your marriage truly can't be saved, and you become single, then enjoy the experience our new cyber technology affords, until then put your energy and love where it belongs.

Top Ten Tips for a Healthy and Vibrant Marriage

2008-11-23T13:34:00.005-05:00

If we think about it, most of us know some basic behaviors we need to do to improve our marriages. The bookstores are filled with books, the talk shows are filled with experts, and the news is filled with research on marriage and divorce. Still, many marriages are hurting and wilting away.

This blog is intended to provide a variety of ideas, techniques, and research that may improve our intimate relationships, provide some insight into ways a marriage can become healthy, and at least open some discussion and conversation.

While of course every relationship is different and partnerships can have all sorts of weaknesses, I thought I would share my top ten list of tips that are good basic ideas for all marriages.

Here are my top ten tips for a healthy and vibrant marriage.

1. Bring your best self to your marriage. When we first met our beloved we were are most fabulous self. When we meet our new boss or a dignitary we tend to want to present our best self. So why not bring your best self to the most important of all relationships? This doesn't mean you are not authentic or put on a facade, it means you bring out the best in who you are with those you love.

2. Commit with your whole heart. If you have not decided to make your marriage work it probably will not. If on the other hand you have committed yourself to creating a beautiful life long relationship there is a great chance you will succeed.

3. Be 100% faithful, in mind and soul. There is nothing more damaging to a relationship than infidelity, dishonesty, and deception. The pain, distrust, and humiliation are hard to repair. Hold to your highest values of honor and decency.

4. Create beautiful memories and beautiful dreams together. Our brains are created in a way that links our emotions and behaviors. As we share lovely and exciting times, we develop bonds that go beyond the esoteric and ethereal. And, as we dream together we visualize the beautiful life that lies ahead, a future of happiness and love.

5. Support your beloveds goals, desires, and dreams. We all have hopes and wishes in life. Helping our partners achieve their goals and fulfill their desires is deeply satisfying for both partners. We could all use a cheerleader to help us on our journey, to give us that encouragement when life gets difficult, to be beside us when we feel we need an extra hand.

6. Share your life, your heart, your soul, and your body with your partner. The deeper the sharing, the greater the intimacy; the deeper the intimacy, the greater the bond. Whenever we share ourselves emotionally, sexually, or spiritually we add depth, strength, and intimacy to the relationship.

7. Nourish your relationship every day. Do not let a day go by without caring for your partner. Do all those niceities and pleasantries we know make life a little more enjoyable. Show your concern, share your appreciation, enjoy your partner's company. Find ways to make the relationship brighter and your partner happier.

8. Look for the good and see with soft eyes, the not so good in your spouse. Our partners are not perfect. We all have our idiosyncrasies, quirks, and things to improve. And, we all have some good character traits, personality and beautiful gifts. Whatever we focus on will grow and brighten in our minds so make sure you see the beauty boldly in your beloved.

9. Communicate effectively. Share, discuss, listen, and address concerns, worries, and challenges. Don't assume your partner knows what you want, what you need, what you think, or how you feel. Express and demonstrate your love. Listen, really listen to your partner. We can't read each other's minds so it is essential to communication effectively.

10. Love your spouse with everything you are. Love is not something that mysteriously shows up somehow; it is something that you bring forth from inside of yourself. Love is not an emotion that magically comes from outside somewhere but it emerges as you become loving. Love is created in your heart and soul and mind. It is from you to share and give. You are the creator of your love.

Notice that this list is a compilation of tips for each person to bring to the relationship. There is nothing about changing your spouse, altering his or her behavior, or manipulating another. It is meant to be a list for every individual to use to do their part in making the relationship fabulous and fulfilling.

While this list is certainly not an exhaustive list of everything a couple can do, nor is it meant to be the perfect recipe for every relationship, if couples embrace these ten ideals their marriage will most likely be successful, fulfilling, and deeply satisfying.

Feel free to add to this list if you have other ideas that made it to your top ten list!

When Love Comes..

2008-11-22T09:49:00.000-05:00

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her realiction to you; when you dare to reveal yourself fully; when you dare to be vulnerable."

Joyce Brothers

The Spark is Gone? Can it Come Back? What to do?

2008-11-15T10:20:00.006-05:00

It seems the world over, couples are wanting their love for their spouse to return.

What is happening that so many couples are falling out of love?

Could it be we expect too much? Do we think marriage is about living in a constant state of extreme passion and euphoria? Are we wanting our spouse to solve all our problems, fulfill all our dreams, and be the perfect man or woman?

Or maybe we forget that our marriage is only as successful as the couple makes it.

Perhaps we don't feel love because we have stopped loving?

In a culture that often portrays a successful person as one who has the most brilliant and/or beautiful spouse, with the perfect relationship, is in perfect health, looks fabulous at any age, and has a wild, exotic sex life, it is difficult, yet extremely important to step back and look at what life and relationships are truly about.

Marriage is much more than living in a state of constant bliss with a perfect spouse. It is about two people caring and loving each other, sharing their lives together, and helping each other to grow, develop, and express their most wonderful self.

A beautiful marriage is something to create not something that is bestowed onto a couple from on high or out of nowhere.

Soul mates are not found, they are created as a couple grows together, overcoming challenges, working together to bring forth the beauty in each other.

The wild and crazy, out of control, initial euphoria of a relationship does not last forever. Typically this stage of a relationship lasts about one to two years. This early attraction phase, while extraordinarily powerful is not deep and connected love, it is a temporary feeling that evolved in the human to bring people together so they could mate. The emotions required to create a long term relationship are softer, more comfortable, but brilliantly essential for a life time commitment.

For those who are struggling with their relationship, wondering what to do about their loss of love for their partner, let me address five important points to contemplate, then I will give five essential things to do to feel loving once again.

Five important points to contemplate:

First you have to decide if you are willing to do the work to restore the love for your partner. If not, then don't remain in a relationship out of pity which of course is extraordinarily demeaning and degrading to another human being.

If you remain in a relationship when you do not love your partner, and have no desire to restore that love, you are holding your spouse back from finding another partner who will truly love him or her. You owe it to your partner to release them from such an unfortunate relationship.

Secondly, no relationship is perfectly peaceful and fulfilling 100 percent of the time. Relationships are not like a stagnant pond, they are more like the ocean with times of beautiful calm and times of raging waves. While we sometimes have this image that once a couple is married they life happily ever after, this expectation can often set a couple up for disappointment, even anger and sorrow.

A healthy relationship is one where the couple is deeply committed to each other, where they are determined to work through the rough times always with the understanding and expectation that the relationship will continue to become strong and fulfilling.

Third, while we want relationships to be fulfilling and wonderful, it is often true that we can't have everything we want.

This may be controversial so let me explain. If a woman wants a family and children and also wants to become a nun serving in a developing Country, she may have to choose a particular life path. Or, if a man wants to be married and have children and also finds the idea of traveling the world without attachments entreating, he may have to decide which road he will take.

In other words, there are times we have many options and ultimately just have to decide which life dream we want to pursue. Of course it may be that we alter our dreams, or find ways to blend our dreams together, or even spread them over a lifetime, nevertheless, we can't always have everything we want simultaneously.

Forth, the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. In fact, there may be no grass at all. The truth is, while there are obviously some situations that are better or worse for each of us, often the degree of happiness we feel is the result of how we approach the situation.

There is a lot of research that demonstates the level of ones happiness or unhappiness is independent of their situation.

Fifth, don't be lured by the false notion that relationships are always fabulously exhilarating. While the idea of a perfect partner is enticing, we all know that reality is not quite so easy or simple.

Deep love may exhibit itself in many ways, sometimes separately, sometimes simultaneously. For example, sexual intimacy, compassion, care, enjoyment, respect, connection, passion, fun, etc., may all be there at times but at other times one or two may be at the fore. This is how relationships are.

Now, if you decide that the relationship is valuable enough to restore, there are some very specific behaviors you can to do to intensify the love...

1. Focusing on the positive aspects of your partner creates brain chemistry that feels good helps us actually see the other in a bright light. This doesn't mean you ignore harmful behavior, it just means that you look for the good and hold in your mind and heart that which is great about your partner. What do you love? What is fabulous? What are the really amazing traits of your spouse?

2. Engaging in stimulating and high energy activities as a couple actually creates chemicals in your brain that bond you to your partner. I have written about this research in several earlier articles. Basically, a vibrant and passionate marriage requires that we do not get into a rut.

3. Do everything you can to bring happiness to your partner. I have previously posted several articles about this as well. While we tend to think that a person to whom we give will appreciate and love us more, the truth is the more we give the more we love our partner. This is a vitally important key to restoring love.

4. Reawakening your love is not something that magically happens. True love is something that is created. Too often people think the love disappears and there is nothing they can do about it. Wrong. Love can come back if the work is done. Do not for one minute think love will just happen, it requires nurturing and nourishing.

5. Give the best you have to the relationship. As we get comfortable in a relationship it is easy to be lazy and forget that a relationship takes great care and investment. The more you live in your highest light, the more your relationship will blossom. The more you bring your personal gifts, talents, spirit, and energy to the partnership, the more love will fill your relationship.

To sum it all up, if you do not want to make your relationship work, you owe it to your partner to move on so they can be loved in a healthy and happy relationship.

If you want to make the relationship come alive, you must commit your heart and then do the work that will once again help you feel love for your partner.

If one is undecided, whether to remain in a relationship or not, I offer the idea to do all you can to make the relationship as fabulous as you can. Make the commitment for a few months and see how the love blossoms. If after a time your best effort is not enough, then contemplate another choice.

My best wishes to all those wanting to reignite that spark!

This post is my heartfelt response to the several comments and emails I have received over the past couple of weeks. My thoughts are with you!

How to Restore your Relationship in Thirty Days

2008-10-28T08:17:00.005-05:00

I believe that in thirty days, if you follow one little bit of advice, you can not only dramatically improve your marriage but possibly even transform it in unimaginable ways.

We have all seen products advertised on television, or purchased items with a thirty day trial right? You purchase the item and test it out for thirty days to see how it may improve your life.

Let's take this idea and use it on your relationship.

Why not do a simple experiment and see if, in thirty days you can dramatically improve your marriage?

Before we discuss the "how", one question for you....

How motivated you are?

How badly do you want to improve your marriage? How seriously do you want to save your relationship?

We know that if we are not motivated to do something we typically don't do it. So, what is your motivation?

If you knew it could be possible that you would find a new level of happiness in one month from today, how seriously would you invest in making your relationship fabulous?

If you are sufficiently motivated, let's move on to the "how".

For thirty days, focus your complete attention on doing something every day to make your spouse happy. Each day do everything you can to show you care, demonstrate your sincere concern, and express your deep love.

That is it, simple as that.

For this experiment, you don't need a ton of money, you don't need an expensive therapist, you don't need some magical secret formula.

All you have to do is make your best effort to make your spouse happy and show how much you care.

If you take some time to think about it, you most likely can come up with some things you know your spouse enjoys. You know what makes him happy, or what pleases her. It might be nice to remind yourself of these things and even make a list if need be.

What can you say? What little things show you care? What things have you done in the past that have made a difference? What things have you not done that you sense would make a difference?

When you wake up in the morning, start thinking of nice things to do. During the day think of some more ideas, and when you go to bed at night ask yourself what else you can do. Keep this experiment on your mind and in your heart.

Engage in this experiment knowing that you are transforming your marriage and perhaps more importantly yourself.

Thirty days... you can do pretty much anything for four weeks, so keep it up for the full month and see how it changes your marriage!

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Get Back that Loving Feeling... An Absolutely, Positively, Guaranteed Way to Improve your Marriage

2008-10-12T09:47:00.006-05:00

Are you are "falling out of love"?

Is the passion fading?

Are you losing interest in your partner?

Let me assure you, there is hope!

There are many ways to improve your relationship and I have blogged about quite a few but this post is giving you one of the most important, most clear, and most powerful ways to get back that loving feeling!

It is a simple thing, costs nothing, and everyone can do it..... ready?

Give more to your partner.

Simple and yet amazingly powerful!

Now, let me explain and give a little more information about this amazing phenomenon.

Several years ago, as an psychology undergraduate my very first real research project was designed to see if there was a positive correlation between the investment in a relationship and the love one feels toward their spouse.

Turns out there was a statistically significant correlation.

The more one gives to his or her spouse, the more one feels loving toward their partner.

Now, of course my research was simple and not exactly journal worthy however since that time I have followed this topic and as it turns out, it is absolutely true that the more we invest in something the more we attach to it.

In relationships it means that the more energy we expend to the partnership the more we connect; the more we give to our partner, the more love we feel.

Human tendency is such that we often feel that if we give something to another, the recipient of our love will love us more, and of course there is this element, but it turns out, more importantly the more we give to another the more WE LOVE THEM.

Virtually one hundred percent of those who state they no longer love their spouse, upon reflection will admit that they have ceased to energize their marriage by giving of their time, energy, devotion, dedication, and love.

If you want to love your spouse more, give more.

Let's look a few other examples to demonstrate this phenomenon.

The more time one gives to a charity or cause the more he cares about those he serves. The more money one donates to a political candidate, the more she feels a connection to her politician. The more one invests in a creative work or difficult undertaking, the more they care about its completion. The more one works toward a goal, the more they want to accomplish it.

Again, similarly, the more a couple gives to the relationship and their respective spouses, the more love THEY feel toward their partner.

How do you give to your spouse?

A few questions to ask yourself:

How much time do you spend trying to please your partner.

How much time do you spend appreciating your spouse's good qualities, fabulous traits or amazing abilities and talents.

How much time do you consciously engage in activities or behaviors that you know make your partner's life happier?

How much time do you spend bringing fun, delight, and romance into your relationship?

How much energy do you expend making your marriage vibrant and healthy?

How often do you do something (anything) that demonstrates or articulates your love and care?

Typically, when a man or woman feels the love has gone, they are not doing those things that help love grow and flourish.

In sum, if you want to feel more loving, if you want to regain that connection, if you want your marriage to survive, invest in the relationship.

Do all those things you know make your marriage better.

Give to your spouse.

Give to your marriage.

Give to the relationship.

You will be surprised at how quickly you notice yourself feeling a renewed connection and care toward your partner.

More than anything your love will blossom!

Are you Falling Out of Love? Ten Questions to Ask Yourself!

2008-10-04T07:54:00.009-05:00

I hear it all the time...

"I'm just falling out of love."

I don't buy it for a minute.

People do not just ramdomly "fall out of love."
It simply doesn't happen.

What they do is stop caring about their marriage and family, stop nurturing their relationship, and stop loving their spouse.

Yes, it is that simple.

Love is something you bring to the marriage, not something that may or may not show up in a marriage depending on fate, the muses, or the alignment of the stars.

For some reason people have this mistaken notion that once they are married a relationship continues to magically grow, that love is ensured, that the partnership will be alive and vibrant forever.

Then, when the love fades, somehow it "just happened".

It is not so.

Note even close.

The marriage is just the beginning of the relationship. It is like planting a seed.

If you plant a seed and leave it alone it most likely will die.

However, if you plant a seed, continue to water it, provide it with rich soil and lots of sunlight, and keep it free from insects, it is not going to die. It will grow into a beautiful flower.

The same is true with your marriage.

The relationship is the flower, the marriage the flower seed. As you plant the seed its life begins.

It is up to you to decide what sort of nutrients, emotions, and conditions you bring to the relationship.

Will you bring it bright light or allow darkness to surround it?

Will you provide it with fresh water or poison?

Will you handle it tenderly or with little care?

If you allow insects and viruses to attack it, (perhaps an affair), it will get eaten away.

What you must remember is that if you fail to take care of the relationship, like a flower it will wilt. It will dry up. It may even die.

Let me repeat: If you fail to do those things that keep a relationship alive it will wither away.

Simple as that.

To those who claim to have just fallen out of love I would invite you to ask yourself the following ten questions:

1. How much effort are you putting into you marriage each day to make sure it is as healthy as it can be?

2. How much time and energy are you devoting to other relationships that may be interfering with or impairing your marriage?

3. How often are you demonstrating and expressing your love, care, and commitment to your partner and family?

4. How determined are you to do everything you can to keep your relationship alive and vibrant?

5. Are you bringing your best self to the marriage?

6. Are you doing all you can to make sure your partner knows of your love and concern?

7. How many times a week do you engage in some behavior or activity that you know will strengthen your marriage?

8. Do you look for and focus on the good and beautiful in your partner?

9. Do you keep your mind and heart centered on your marriage and family?

10. What sorts of distractions do you allow in your life that keep you from investing in your relationship and nurturing your marriage?

Remember, if you want a flower to grow and blossom, you must take care of it.

If you want your marriage to be healthy and happy, you must nurture it, care for it, dedicate your life to it.

*Obviously it takes two people to have a fabulous marriage. This post is to help us realize the importance of our individual responsibility to make the relationship healthy and vibrant and to recognize the dynamics of what occurs when people claim they just feel out of love with their partner.

Your Spouse isn't is Love With You... is there hope?

2008-09-29T10:13:00.011-05:00

One of the saddest events in a marriage is when one spouse comes forth with the news, "I am not in love with you anymore."

Is the marriage over?

Is there any hope?

How does one go on?

First let me be really clear.... I strongly believe that the vast majority of marriages can be saved, can be healthy and happy and loving, IF both partners are willing to invest in the relationship to make it so.

So, the way I see it, the question is not, why is one spouse no longer in love nor is it does the relationship have to end.

The question is... is the out-of-love spouse wanting to heal the relationship or not.

If so, is he or she willing to do the required work to make it so.

If one partner has given up, is unwilling to try to make things work, or wants to bail out on the family, there may be little chance of working things out.

On the other hand, regardless of the situation, if both partners want to make the marriage strong and vibrant it can be so.

Now, lets take a look at what is actually happening when one partner claims he or she is no longer in love with their spouse.

First, it is important to know that the initial wild and crazy attraction stage of a love relationship does not last forever. Typically within a year or two that out-of-control high softens. Many couples feel that because of this, they are no longer in love and must end the relationship or seek someone new to regain that fabulous feeling.

In reality, a marriage while releasing the initial strong attraction phase can move into a much more satisfying and bonding type of relationship. The brain chemistry literally changes and while the excitement and exhilaration diminishes a new intimacy and deepening love can emerge if the marriage is nourished.

Secondly, virtually all couples go through stages of ups and downs in a relationship. I think it is safe to say that there are few if any marriages that don't have to deal with some uncomfortable times and some difficult challenges. It is part of life and part of a relationship. There is no getting around this.

If a couple is determined to work through the difficulties and are committed to the marriage, they can go on and become an even stronger and closer couple. If however these challenges are allowed to simmer and stew, they often eventually blow up and become huge obstacles that may require serious intervention and help.

Again, if a couple is willing to work through their problems, they can overcome the challenges.

Finally, for those who are left wondering what to do now that their spouse is no longer in love with them:

Unfortunately in life we are often deeply hurt by those closest to us. We can't change our partner, we can't undo the past, and we can't make someone love us.

What we can do is be the very best person we can be.

I whole heatedly suggest counseling and honesty and open discussion but in the end, we have no control over anothers choice, even our spouse.

So, you take care of yourself, surround yourself with those who love and support you, and manage the best you can. More importantly you hold hope in your heart that you will get through this challenge. One way or another.

So let me ask you a little question... if a person is in a little rowboat during a huge storm, what advice do you give them?

Hold on.

These most difficult of life's challenges are the times when we just hold on. It is not easy, it may hurt more than you can imagine, still, you hold on. You will get through it.

In sum, there is both good and not so good news....

The not so good news is, if one partner has given up they typically don't want to work through the challenge.

The good news is, couples can and do work through the difficult problems that come up. Nearly all problems can be worked through with determination and commitment.

Love can be rekindled and reignited.

The Sexually Confident Wife - Connecting with Your Husband, Mind, Body, Heart, Spirit ... a must read book for wives!

2008-09-23T08:11:00.005-05:00

When asked about a married woman's sex life, 21% of women responded, "what sex life?"

Another 21% answered, "routine and boring."

If you are one of the nearly fifty percent of women who are very unhappy with their sex life, if you are one of the 92% of women who do not describe their sex life as "hot"; or if you are wanting to add some spark to your life and your relationship, I have the perfect book for you!

The Sexually Confident Wife; Connecting with Your Husband, mind, body, heart, spirit, By Shannon Ethridge.

The Sexually Confident Wife, is an excellent book for all those women who don't feel totally confident, vibrant, and sexy in their marriages!

OK, so this book is for the majority of women in a committed relationship (along with many who aren't)!

I read a lot of books on marriage and relationships and The Sexually Confident Wife, is one of my favorites! I think most women will enjoy it

Shannon approaches some difficult, often challenging topics with an easy and comfortable, at times light-hearted style. She blends expert advice with the experiences of real women to bring forth a book full of ideas, answers, and much needed help.

Shannon tastefully addresses many issues that are often uncomfortable for women. Without sounding like a clinician, or a preacher, she covers everything from sex to self-esteem, and everything in between.

Some of the many things you will learn...

Why it is important to be a confident wife

Confidence boosters and busters

How to improve your body image

How to embrace your sexuality

Everything you want to know about the big "O"

How to maintain healthy boundaries

Tantalizing sexual techniques

How pornography effects your relationship

How to refuel that loving feeling

And this is just a beginning...

The Sexually Confident Wife is filled with relationship quotes, real life stories, numerous examples, and so many ideas that you are sure to gain valuable insight and information regardless of where you are in your relationship!

If you want to feel more confident in your marriage, improve your sex life, regain passionate intimacy, and restore vitality in your relationship, I highly recommend this book!

Your Spouse Cheated? Ten Ways to Cope After an Affair

2008-09-17T08:18:00.004-05:00

Without question, an affair is one of the hardest challenges a marriage will face; And without question a cheating spouse is one of the most difficult trials a partner will encounter.

Feelings of betrayal, deceit, and heartache always accompany the affair and a relationship dealing with an affair will face a crisis unlike any other.

Can the relationship be saved?

Can the hurt ever go away?

Can the marriage ever be healthy again?

As impossible as it may seem the answers to all the above questions are, yes.

Yes, relationships can even heal from the horrible heartache of an affair.

You can once again have a loving relationship and move beyond your partner's cheating.

I'm not saying it is easy, I'm not saying it doesn't require an enormous amount of work and energy, and I'm not saying it is going to happen overnight.

I'm not even saying your should. I'm saying it is possible.

There are many healthy and happy relationships that prove a marriage can survive and even thrive after an affair. But, as any couple who has faced this serious challenge will tell you, it takes effort and time and an enormous amount of courage and commitment.

How is it possible to have a happy and loving relationship after an affair?

It is possible because after an affair the unhealthy issues within the relationship are often dealt with and healed.

An affair is often the result of an unhappy marriage and an indicator that the relationship is unhealthy, unfulfilled, or even miserable. This is not an excuse for an affair. Let me repeat, this is not an excuse for having an affair.

It is however a reality that happy and healthy marriages do not experience infidelity. Relationships that are loving and caring and respectful do not involve deceit, dishonest, and cruelty; or humiliation and degradation which is what an affair amounts to no matter how it is rationalized.

In other words, an affair is typically and unfortunately a very hurtful and degrading way of bringing the issues to the fore.

If after an affair the couple decides they want to continue the relationship and both are willing to do the necessary work, the marriage often can grow stronger and even more committed and loving than previously experienced.*

So let talk about how the non-cheating spouse can survive a partner's affair, and how a relationship that has been devastated by an affair can heal.

First and foremost I would offer the suggestion to get professional help.

Couples counselors who are trained and have experience working with marriages can provide enormous help and insight into the marriage and be of invaluable assistance in healing the relationship.

For those who are unable to pay for counseling, churches, universities, and community programs are often available for free or for minimum payment. Call around and see what is out there in your area.

Here are, very briefly....

Ten ways to cope after your spouse has cheated:

1. Take care of yourself. Often when one is going through a very difficult challenge like discovering their partner is cheating, the emotions are so overwhelming that one can hardly eat or drink or sleep. There may be incredible anger, devastation, depression, panic, and even feelings of violence and rage. These emotions make it difficult to manage life in a healthy way. This is a time to do whatever you can to take care of yourself. Make sure you are hydrated, get rest when you can, make sure you are moving your body whether you go to a gym or walk around the block, keep moving. If you need help with emotions it may be important to see your help care professional to get you through those most difficult days.

2. Embrace your spiritual, religious, or traditional beliefs. Many people find peace in God or Source or Nature. Engage in all those activities that bring solace whether it be prayer, meditation, a walk on the beach, or playing with your dog. Finding an energy or resource beyond yourself is often enormously beneficial.

3. Allow support from family and friends. While no one can take the pain away, support and love can help you through this difficult time. Don't hold the pain inside, all alone as its overcome you. Often, people do not want to share the reality of how their lives were devastated by their partner. It may be embarrassing or humiliating, but you may need the love and care from those close to you who can help and support you.

4. Now is not the time for revenge. This may be a difficult one for some. Retaliation is not the way to handle sorrow or anger. It may feel like the appropriate thing to do but usually this will only make matters worse and sometimes cause more problems then you can realize. Don't do anything rash. Your goal right now is to heal not to compound your problems.

5. No matter what, do not use your children as a way to harm your partner. Your children are going to experience the fall-out of an affair but using them as a way to hurt your cheating spouse is only going to further hurt your children. They need you now more than ever. You don't want to ever look back and know that your reactions to your spouse added pain to your children. Take the high road here and rise above this hurtful tactic.

6. Remember time does heal. Hold to the knowledge that you will move beyond this crisis and you will have a future of peace. It may not seem like it at the moment but the future will be better and you will again find happiness. The heart wrenching blow from infidelity often seems like, not only the end of the relationship but the destruction of the family and the end of ones self-respect and self-esteem. But as any therapist will tell you, you do not have to remain in this state; you will move forward and find joy. Hold to this truth.

7. Forgiveness.This is one of the most difficult of all human behaviors. Now, obviously for a marriage to continue (in a healthy way) after an affair forgiveness is required. However, this doesn't happen overnight. It is important to acknowledge your feelings, to hold your partner accountable, to embrace your journey as difficult as it is. But, here is the important point: Forgiveness is not about the other person it is about you. Forgiveness means you are done with the negative emotion that is harming your life. It means that you are not going to let the event destroy your life even if it feels right now like it has. Forgiving your spouse doesn't mean the affair was OK, or that you were not harmed. It means that you are not going to let the behavior of another destroy your future. Of course this takes time. It takes effort. It takes going through the process of dealing with the crisis. Give yourself time.

8. Letting go. Will one ever forget the pain of an affair? Perhaps not. Those dramatic and emotional experiences of our lives become strong and powerful memories. When the emotions come into our experience, the memories return; they are explicitly linked as they form together. However, the pain subsides, the memory fades, and more importantly new experiences become more important and vibrant. As horrible as the memory may be, as it is placed into the totality of one's life it diminishes in strength. The more new, happy, peaceful, and joyful memories that are made, the less this painful episode will have its hold. As you go forth in life, consciously create wonderful memories and deliberately design joyful experiences.

9. Grieving. It is OK to grieve. It is appropriate to feel all the emotions you feel after discovering your partner has been unfaithful. You may go to all sorts of places and experience all sorts of emotions. One thing is certain there is a form of grieving that accompanies affairs. When one feels betrayed, deceived, and harmed; when one feels the trust and confidence and love is gone from the partnership it is perfectly normal and appropriate to grieve. In order to move on, it is essential to feel the various emotions that come to you rather than deny or ignore them.

This doesn't mean you have to engage in behavior that is hurtful or inappropriate (or illegal), but it means that you allow the grieving process to take place. You may notice yourself experiencing the five stages of grief outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross which are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. All of these are normal and common.

What people often notice is, as they experience the pain and heartache, and as one goes through the various stages of grief, the hurt diminishes, the sorrow softens, and life returns.

10. Let your emotions flow freely. Observe them. Honor them. Respect them. You can acknowledge the pain and sorrow as an observer without allowing them to take a hold of your heart and mind. There are many ways to release the pain including visualizations, meditation, prayer. However you chose to manage, or whatever techniques work for you, remember that the point is to let the emotions flow not to hold them in, feed them, ignore them or repress them. Denying them will only keep them growing inside you. Let them flow.

If your spouse has had an affair, you will most likely be filled with all sorts of emotions. It will take time to sort out what you want to do, where you want to go, and how you will handle it. Give yourself the time. Know it is a process and must be worked through. It won't be over in a day or two but it will be over and life will go on. You will find happiness and peace again.

And, if you chose to continue on in your marriage, you can absolutely find happiness again. Your marriage, believe it or not, can become healthy and strong and even fabulous.

*Just to be clear I think marriages can grow strong and wonderful without an affair, and certainly an affair is not necessary for growth. My point is, if a couple ends up facing this crisis they can move forward and overcome the challenge.

Menopause, Midlife and Marriage... What is Going On?

2008-09-09T10:00:00.003-05:00

Is there any correlation between Menopause and Divorce?

Why are some women facing mid-life so unhappy with their marriages?

Does the "change of life" really mean a woman's life is changing?

Is menopause to blame for depression, mood swings, and lack of desire?

After years of marriage many couples find their relationship growing stronger and more wonderful after the children have grown and their life settles down to a more comfortable less hectic pace.

On the other hand, there are also many marriages that face serious problems and challenges as the couple faces midlife.

While there are many factors that play into mid-life marriage difficulties, this post is designed to shed some light on the particular dynamics that occur in a relationship when a woman enters the second half of her life.

Let's briefly discuss three dynamics that may impact a relationship as women move through menopause:

1. Physical changes
2. Emotional changes
3. Soul/Spiritual changes

1. Physical changes.The physical changes that occur during the years leading up to menopause are many. While we talk of changing hormones as if it is a simple event, the reality is that the female body is undergoing a huge transformation. While the experience is different for every woman, most women notice a variety of physical changes, many of which are uncomfortable and perhaps irritating. Hot flashes, skin dryness, night sweats, weight gain, hair loss, joint pain, are just a few of what some women experience.

All of these symptoms can impact a woman's self-esteem, energy level, and approach to life and their relationships.

2. Emotional changes.Those changing hormones and body chemistry can play havoc with the emotions of women. Many women experience severe mood swings, weepiness, anxiety, irritability, panic attacks, even depression. In addition a woman's libido may diminish.

During this time and while experiencing so many unusual emotions, it may be difficult for women to deal with the many challenges of normal life, let alone any unique or more serious difficulties. Her body may be reeling from the enormous change through which she is moving. It takes time and patience and at times intervention to work through these issues.

3. Soul/Spiritual changes. Soul changes may be the least discussed but the most important.

Often during mid-life women experience a new sense of strength and awareness. As a woman approaches the second half of her life, many of the issues she has repressed, ignored, or denied come to the fore. Some women become more aware of their own needs and desire; they may become less willing to hold onto that which is destructive or hurtful.

While the child-bearing years are often filled with sacrifice, parenting, and giving ones life to children and family, with the numerous hormonal and physical changes of mid-life come a new realization and awareness of the self.

Obviously, entering this new phase of life can impact a woman's relationships, (along with virtually all other areas of life).

Difficult or unhealthy issues that may have been a part of a relationship for years and years now may have to be dealt with. Women may find a new strength that challenges their long held beliefs or their willingness to engage in what feels hurtful or destructive.

In other words, mid-life can result in serious change. A woman may analyze her life, rethink her path, and want changes that are more in line with her authentic self.

While it sounds scary and can create uneasiness, even turmoil, the good news is that all these issues and challenges can be the process a woman goes through to live a more harmonious and healthy life.

In addition, while a couple may have to address some issues that have been hidden or ignored for years, as they work through them, they will most certainly find their relationship growing deeper and more intimate.
Many couples find that after going through this "refiners fire", the relationship is much more profound then ever. A new relationship is possible; the marriage becomes alive and vibrant in ways never before experienced.

Some couples who have successfully moved through the mid-life changes, may describe their new relationship as holy; they may describe their partner as their soul mate.

In sum, while there are very clear and powerful changes that occur as a woman goes through menopause, it is also true that during this time ones intimate relationships often becomes stronger, more vibrant, and more intimate.

The second half of life can actually be a time of fabulous transformation, deepening care, and more profound love.

Two excellent books I highly recommend for those moving through the unique challenges of menopause:

Joan Borysenko's, A Woman's Book of Life

Christine Northrup's, The Wisdom of Menopause

Painting found here.

Do you Want to Improve your Relationship? Here is one Way

2008-09-02T11:23:00.000-05:00

We have heard for years how important it is for couples to continue to date each other even after marriage. This recommendation is one of the first a couple will hear from their therapist if they are in need of couples counseling.

We don't really need research to tell us that it is a good idea to have some alone time as a couple to keep the relationship healthy, but some new research is telling us that to really make your marriage strong, spending time together is not really enough.

However spending time together doing interesting and invigorating things however is a fabulous way to keep a marriage alive and vibrant.

Studies are showing that while a once a week date night is good just going to a movie or hanging out together is less valuable than participating in positive exciting activities like attending a museum, learning a new skill, or engaging in a stimulating activity.

Why is the activity particularly important?

We have known for some time that there is a correlation between endorphins and attraction and bonding. Engaging in activities with ones beloved that stimulate the production of endorphins actually creates the bonding behavior in humans.

So, it makes sense that if a couple is continually engaging in endorphin stimulating activities their bond grows stronger.

If you are wanting to improve your relationship and strengthen the bonds of your marriage, why not go on some exciting dates together?

Look for activities that are new and unusual. Perhaps something that is out-of-the-box? Are there places you have always wanted to visit? Classes you have wanted to take? An exciting experience that is calling to you?

One more little secret... the more exciting the more endorphins hence the more bonding. So if you are really adventurous try sky-diving, a scary roller-coaster, or deep sea diving. If you are less inclined toward extreme sports, maybe swimming with dolphins or ball-room dancing are more your style!

Regardless of your situation, make sure to incorporate some excitement and novelty into your relationship!

Thinking of Having an Affair? Why Not Learn From the Experts?

2008-08-19T07:21:00.006-05:00

We watch the same scenario over and over and over...

A married man has an affair.*

He gets caught.

He confesses.

He is filled with remorse.

He apologizes.

His wife and family are devastated.

He is left to pick up the pieces.

Think Jimmy Swaggart, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Kwame Kilpatrick, ... on and on goes the list of men who repeat this same, sad, story. It is as old as the hills and not very entertaining.

Why repeat this boring, tired, and enormously unhappy narrative?

Why not learn from the experiences of the many men who have cheated on their wives and been unfaithful in their marriages?

There are two ways to learn lessons in life. The difficult way is to make all the mistakes yourself. This road is long, difficult, and extremely painful.

The easier and much more pleasant way is to learn by example.

It is AMAZING that we have this fabulous technique to save us all sorts of problems, and to help us avoid all sorts of pain and sorrow but for some reason we overlook it.

So, if you are thinking of having an affair, step back for a second and reevaluate the situation. Look at the many examples you have right in front of you that will help you know exactly what is going to happen.

I know an affair may sound fun and exciting to you. I know you can come up with all sorts of great reasons to go ahead and indulge yourself: Your wife doesn't understand you, your co-worker is in love with you, you are going to be really careful, no one is going to know, the spark has gone out of your relationship, you are not attracted to your wife, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. We all have heard the rationalizations a hundred, make that a thousand times.

But guess what? All those men who after their affair, end up crying and apologizing while humiliating their wives and families had the very same excuses.

No, your situation is not different. No, you are not going to be able to hide it forever. No, she is not your soul mate. No, no, no.... if you have an affair you are no different than all the other unfaithful men who have gone before you.

And you can look to their examples to know exactly how the affair is going to end.

Unhappily.

As you start playing around with the possibility of an affair, as you start fantasizing and imagining all the excitment. Hold the reality of what is ahead... enormous pain, humilation, sorrow, and heartache.

You know this is true.

Are you really all that excited about breaking the heart of your wife? About destroying the "great father" image your children hold? To have your legacy be one of unfaithfulness and sleaziness? To end your marriage and destroy up your family?

If you are considering an affair, rethink and reevaluate your behavior and actions and thoughts.

Then snap out of it!

Yes, it is that easy. You decide you are just not going there. Ever. Simple as that.

You hold in your mind the reality of what is ahead. You make a decision today that you are not going to repeat the horrible mistakes others have made. You look at the many examples of other men who have completely destroyed their lives and families because of their inappropriate behavior.

You make a decision.

Then, you work on your marriage.

*Of course this post applies to women as well. While this post is directed specifically to men considering an affair, an upcoming post will address women.

How to Have the Perfect Marriage....

2008-08-09T20:35:00.008-05:00

OK, we all know there are not truly "perfect" marriages. Marriage is a continual journey and it is not ever smooth, still, there is a way to have a perfect marriage.

Let me tell you how.

Practice.

The more you practice having a great marriage the better it gets.

Have you ever watched the pair figure skating on television? Or seen professional ball room dancers?

Well, they aren't able to perform so perfectly by chance.

They practice.

They practice a lot.

The make mistakes, the get up and keep going. They don't give up. They don't decide to skip some days of practice. They keep going.

And after years and years of working together, they become, well, near perfect.

Marriage is similar to those fabulous couples who dance or skate together. Practice makes perfect.

Too often couples forget that marriage is not an event but a journey... a life journey filled with challenges and difficulties and even mistakes. These are not reasons to quit or give up but reasons to practice harder and become even more dedicated to overcoming the flaws and missteps.

It is difficult to become an Olympic class skating pair? OF COURSE! Just ask them!

Did they sometimes hate practicing? Did they ever get bored or tired or frustrated? Did they sometimes want to give up? I'm guessing YES, YES, and YES!

Was it worth it? I'm guessing the answer is also, a resounding, YES.

Ask any couple who has practiced and worked hard on their marriage and found a beautiful relationship, if they are glad they spent the time and effort to have a lovely and healthy marriage.

No question, the answer is yes.

Do you Want to Know How to Improve your Relationship? Take the Quiz!

2008-07-31T09:16:00.004-05:00

If you are one of the millions of people who are looking for ways to improve your relationship, let me give you a quiz I created that will give you the perfect answers!

Too often when a relationship is not as healthy or happy as it could be, we complain and criticize and start wishing our partner would change. We sometimes forget that we can make some changes as well, and that we actually do know how to help our relationship become healthy. We just have to rethink how we approach the problems.

So, here is a little quiz to help you know how you can improve your relationship.

Simply answer the ten questions below (don't just read them, actually answer them), and you will know how YOU can improve your relationship.

Now first, remember there is one rule to this quiz: You must answer each question before you go on. Write down the first thing that comes to your mind.

OK?

Take the Quiz

1. What would your spouse like to hear you say?

2. What could you do today that would let your partner know you cherished him/her?

3. What have you not done recently that you know brings happiness to your spouse?

4. How could you show more devotion, care, and commitment?

5. What could you do that would totally and happily surprise your spouse?

6. If you partner could have YOU change in one way, what would it be?

7. What is your partner missing in your relationship?

8. What did you do when you were first married that your spouse loved?

9. What habits or irritating traits could you improve upon or eliminate?

10. If you knew today was the last day you would be with your beloved, what would you tell him or her?

Great! You did answer the questions right?

Now you have ten perfectly designed ideas to help you know how YOU can improve your relationship.

All you have to do now, is act!

Being Present in Marriage - Eckhart Tolle Quote

2008-07-25T17:20:00.004-05:00

In the business of life, we often take for granted the beauty that surrounds us.

It is easy to forget to notice our beloved; it is easy to forget to be grateful; it is easy to forget to be present.

Yet it is only when we are fully present that we can see the depth and beauty that exists in our loved ones.

I recently read this quote from Eckhart,

"Beyond the beauty of external forms, there is more here: something that cannot be named, something ineffable, some deep, inner, holy essence. Whenever and wherever there is beauty, this inner essence shines through somehow. It only reveals itself to you when you are present."

How present are you in your relationship?

Might you discover more depth, more intimacy, more love if you are more present?

It may be worth giving it a try.

Porn Addicts... Ten Tips and Advice

2008-07-20T07:24:00.011-05:00

I've had several questions from men who are struggling with porn addictions, and consequently their intimate relationships are damaged as well.

This post is intended to respond to those concerns and give some general advice on how to manage and hopefully restore true intimacy in one's marriage.

First and foremost, get professional help.

I know this sounds scary to many men. It is difficult to take that first step but as any porn addict will tell you it is necessary. Similarly to an alcoholic and a twelve step program, porn addicts find a program specifically designed to treat their addiction most beneficial.

Having stated clearly that a porn addict must get professional help, let me give you ten tips and bits of advice that may be helpful along the way.

1. Read up and become knowledgeable. I highly recommend the work of Patrick Carnes. His several books discuss his research and vast knowledge, and it is important to learn about your addiction.

2. Admit your addiction. This is not always easy. Men don't typically want to acknowledge the severity of the problem. They live in denial, thinking it is really not a big deal, or they rationalize away the consequences. They may pretend or even convince themselves that they can quit porn use any time, that their relationship is not really suffering, that the reason for their limited inability for arousal is not associated with porn use but with a boring or less attractive partner. Often men underestimate the time devoted to porn, they may minimize the effects, and even dismiss obvious signs.

3. Decide you will overcome your addiction. This sounds simple but unless one is committed to the process of healing and has the determination to do whatever is necessary, chances are slim for change. Take some time to be clear on this. Acknowledge your determination and hold it boldly in your mind and heart.

4. Stay away from any temptation. Let me be really clear here. I am not saying stay away from porn, which is obvious. I'm saying stay away from the temptation. In other words don't go anywhere where you are tempted. Don't engage in any activity that may tempt you. Don't watch anything that may give you the thought of temptation. You stay far away.

If it means putting your computer on the kitchen table so you can't hide your porn, or having your spouse password protect your computer so you can't even log in without her knowledge; if it means not turning on the TV or even throwing it out, so be it. Do whatever you have to to stay away.

Some alcoholics hold to the rule that they won't go within five miles of those places where they typically would drink. Why? Because if they get close they can't turn away. Similarly to porn addicts, you have to stay far away from the possibility of viewing.

5. Don't give up. No matter what. You keep in your mind and heart the promise to yourself and to your wife and family. You do whatever it takes to remind yourself continually and constantly to overcome this addiction. You don't let go for a day or an hour or a minute. You take it day by day and if necessary minute by minute. Each moment is a re-commitment to heal and overcome your problem.

6. Hold a vision in your soul, in your deepest self. I believe this is a crucial aspect of healing and one that is often overlooked. Our subconscious minds are powerful, VERY powerful. During addiction, the neurochemistry is out of control and overtaking ones sense of decency, care, or morality. (Which ever term fits your paradigm). So, to get your subconscious helping, you take some time every day (or even many times a day) to visualize how it would feel to be free of the addiction. You imagine as clearly as possible how beautiful your relationship will be, how loving and intimate your marriage will feel. You picture your wife happy and elated that you find her enough. As you shut your eyes and visualize this, you notice in every detail how you feel knowing you are free from the pain of addiction. You find yourself proud for being strong enough to put it behind you. HOLD THIS IMAGE IN YOUR HEART AND MIND.

7. Get involved with a support group. With the problem of porn addiction becoming ubiquitous, many communities are offering support groups. There may be some porn addict groups associated with a college, community center, or church in your area. If not, or in addition there are some very good online discussion communities that are available for free. Find one. They will welcome you and give you an enormous amount of support and help.

8. Have a plan. If you are having a problem with porn, you are probably familiar with patterns that accompany your particular addiction. You may notice that you are more often viewing porn during certain times of the day, or certain times of the year. Perhaps there are situations that lead you to the computer or a particular movie.

Whether you are clear or not, you must come up with a plan. When you are feeling fine and not engaged in viewing, come up with a very clear and precise plan of how you will manage when you find yourself tempted. Write it down. Memorize it. USE it.

It may look something like this: When I feel a desire to view porn I will immediately put on my running shoes and head out the door. I will immediately remind myself of my determination to rid myself of this addiction. I will hold a vision in my mind and remind myself of how I will feel when I overcome this problem. I will envision my happy wife and my lovely family together knowing I am no longer involved in this harmful activity. When I return from my run I will talk to my wife and get online with my SA (Sexual Addiction) support group.

9. Find appropriate and healthy ways to manage anxiety. This is more important that it may appear. Without going too much into the brain chemistry of addiction (which I am going to do in an upcoming post), when an addict feels anxiety, depression, or even irritability, they often seek remedy in their drug of choice, in this case porn. The porn provides a little shot of chemicals that remove the unwanted emotion.

So, in order to move beyond the addiction, one must find a healthy alternative. Whether it is running, meditation, walking the dog, basketball or gardening, find several ways helpful to you to reduce anxiety. Then incorporate these into your life on a regular basis.

It may be helpful to think of your plan as a way to prevent an illness. If you were going out into a blizzard you wear warm clothing to protect yourself, right? Or, if you were going on a hike in the desert you would bring some water right? So, if you know you will have a problem with temptation when you get anxious, take precautions BEFORE you are faced with the temptation. And, if you find yourself anxious and tempted, immediately incorporate your plan of action and put on your running shoes.

10.Be patient with your wife. This is as important as any other suggestion. Often men cannot grasp the negative consequences of porn use for their partners. Many women know they cannot compete with the air brushed, anorexic, exaggerated females who inundate the world of porn. Women can often sense the lack of arousal toward them that accompanies porn use in their husbands.

While some men claim their wives are not the problem, the evidence is very clear that the more a man uses porn the less attractive he is to his partner. So, no the woman is not the problem but it is true that men engaged in porn do not find their partners as attractive as they once did. Women don't need research to know this; their instincts tell them loud and clear.

In addition to porn use, the world of addicts (of any kind) are often filled with dishonesty and lies. The trust is often gone and with this, the marriage may seem beyond repair.

While it is possible to heal the relationship, it does require work, serious work. This is often not an issue that will go away after a couple of visits to a therapist. And as any porn addict will tell you, saying, "I'm sorry" no longer is enough. After a woman has heard the promises of ending porn use a dozen times or more, the promises seem fleeting and insincere.

What will make the difference is change. In time, as the relationship is nourished, intimacy and trust can be restored. But let's be really clear, trust isn't restored over night and the ramifications of porn use don't vanish in a moment.

Time and patience and diligence are the keys here.

Again, please get help if you are feeling your porn viewing is unhealthy or hurtful. Know that however you view your porn viewing, you are most likely minimizing it to a great extent and the situation is probably far more serious than you want to admit.

There is hope. It is possible to move beyond porn addiction and restore intimacy in a marriage. It is not easy and it takes time and serious energy but it can happen. With determination, support, and therapy there is a light ahead.

For additional insights on porn addiction you may be interested in reading:

Are you addicted to Porn? Take the Test

How to NOT become addicted to porn

Does Pornography Help or Hurt Relationships?

Porn and the Destruction of Intimacy

Especially for Men - Marriage is Like a Car

2008-07-16T10:35:00.006-05:00

Marriage is like a car, not just any car a classic sports car, say a 1962 Ferrari 330Monza, a 1963 Corvette, or a 1953 Jaguar XK120.

No, I am not kidding.

There are those men who love their cars and take exceptional care of them. And most of us, if we had a really expensive classic car would make sure we maintained it near perfectly right? We would pamper it, drive it carefully, and keep it in perfect condition right?

Of course.

So, how does this compare to ones marriage?

Nice cars take some time and investment to keep them running and looking great right.

They need to be kept filled with gas, have the oil checked, have a tune up periodically right?

If you didn't do some regular maintenance your car would start showing signs of failure; you would start hearing some strange sounds, it may not start as easily as it once did. You may notice it shaking or see some smoke coming out the tailpipe.

And, if you didn't prevent the problems, when you noticed them you would clean them up and take care of them. You would do what it takes to get the car running well again.

And if you noticed some dings and dents, you would get them fixed. You wouldn't drive around with scratches and scrapes, again, you would get the dings out, make sure it is washed and waxed to shine like a smooth lake in summer.

You would never leave trash in your nice fancy car. You would keep it sparkling clean and often shine the leather seats with a special formula to make it look brand new.

OK, so when it comes to your relationship, do you make sure it has enough energy (gas) to keep running? Do you do some regular maintenance to prevent any problems? Do you make sure you have a tune-up every few months so it will remain healthy? If you notice a dent do you immediately do what it takes to remove it? You know, make amends or work through arguments and disagreements?

Do you ever leave trash around in your relationship? Like a little nastiness, name calling, or mean spirited arguments? Are there some things to clean up in your relationship? Is it time to clean up a little?

Guys with fancy cars devote time and attention to their cars... is your relationship equally important? So important that you invest energy into its upkeep?

Now, of course our relationships are much more important than any car, but sometimes we forget that our marriages require an investment of time and energy to remain beautiful and bright.

A relationship doesn't just remain vibrant and alive without the necessary care and attention.

So, next time you wash your car, get the brakes checked, or replace the oil, check to see if you need to do a little maintenance on your marriage as well. Each time you fill up the car with gas remember to fill your relationship with energy as well.

The better you take care of your marriage, the more happiness and joy will exist in the relationship.

*I know I am generalizing here; and yes, the post applies to women as well. :-)

The Maladaptive Nature of Pornography

2008-07-10T07:21:00.011-05:00

In response to several requests concerning porn and sex addiction, my next few posts will be addressing this issue. This post on the maladaptive nature of porn is a collection of very brief excerpts from a paper I wrote a few years ago for a symposium. My next post will cover the neurological impact of porn and why it is addictive.

The maladaptive nature of pornography

The Beginning

Unattached mating or promiscuity was the norm for most species over millions of years. Various techniques for determining with whom one could mate developed very early, overt visual cues being one of the significant methods throughout the animal kingdom in both males and females.

While most species mate only during female ovulation, over the years through evolution, human females released the overt, vivid visual signs of female ovulation, found in most primates. With this development males could no longer tell when to inseminate a female hence the unusual phenomenon we see in humans where sex desire is not limited to a specific time of month but is near constant. (There is evidence that females today subconsciously demonstrate signs during ovulation but they are much more subtle than in other primates). However, with no obvious clues for a specific time, human males developed an ability to sense of what females had the potential to procreate. The unconscious primitive sexual strategy at the time, millions of years ago created the instinct for males to have sex with every available females at any time hoping to impregnate as many as possible.

Researchers have found, world wide, that human males subconsciously cued into and ultimately viewed as attractive in human females were four specific traits: smooth skin, thick hair, distinctively womanly bodies that could carry a baby, and a low hip to waist ratio; all indicators of healthy females who had reached menses but had not yet reached menopause. (David Buss, Evolution of Desire)

What is our Problem?

Early humans and even today’s indigenous peoples often interact unclothed and do not have difficulties with uninhibited sexual behavior, addiction to pornography, or the objectification of women found in society today.

Also of note, in modern societies where nudity is common among all members of the community, (old and young, male and female, family, friends, and strangers), the human form is less unusual, intriguing, and sexualized.

There are numerous possible reasons for some societies managing nudity better than others including, a focus on survival, valuing females for their participation in society in ways additional to procreation or the gratification of males, the non-sexualized view of the body, and, within the natural environment, limited access to thousands of photographs of unrealistic, enhanced, exaggerated female forms.

Eminent neurologist, Dr. Vilayanur Ramanchandran, from the University of California, SD, discovered that that which attracts various species to a mate in the animal kingdom, would elicit even stronger desire when the stimulus is magnified or enhanced. In the human male, this would amount to men desiring the extremely exaggerated female form (huge breasts, tiny waists, bright red lips, etc), for sexual pleasure, as we observe in modern day.

We can conclude, in indigenous societies, with little opportunity to view exaggerated or excessive sexual cues, the brain mechanisms do not produce the increased desire found in many men in today’s sexualized society. Similarly, in societies where the human female body is not exclusively sexualized, nudity itself is not associated solely with sexual conquest.

A Modern Day Issue

This visual attraction phenomenon emerged early on as a useful means for the continuation of an individuals genes. Today however, most men are no longer interested in creating hundreds of offspring in all ovulating women; hence, the excessive visual attraction is unnecessary, counter productive to parental and familial investment, and maladaptive as a reproductive strategy.

Men who make use of a woman’s body to bring forth offspring are now, in most societies, expected to provide for, be involved with, and parent their children.

“Natural selection had no way of anticipating that X-rated movies (and two dimensional images), would come along and lead indiscriminately lustful men to spend leisure time watching them rather than pursuing real, live women who might get their genes to the next generation.” (Robert Wright, The Moral Animal, p 37). Or, I might add, who could spend their time caring for offspring and contributing to community.

Further, early on, natural selection did not know that time, care, and commitment to one’s offspring and partner would increase the survival rate of not only offspring but the individual monogamous male as well.

What Happened?

Over the last few million years, and as male parental care emerged, it became clear that the earlier sexual strategy of males randomly impregnating as many females as possible and caring for none of them was less effective than those males who attached to one partner and invested their energy and resources on the care and protection of his mate and their children.

What we now know (and what humans instinctively discovered through evolution) is the more a male is positively involved with his offspring, the better offspring manage life.

There is much discussion in the therapeutic, religious, and political arena on how best to manage the onslaught of Internet porn, the increased incidents of sexual addiction, and the inundation of elicit and extreme sexuality pervading modern society. While some proponents of porn celebrate its ubiquity and rejoice in new opportunities personally and financially, others show alarming concern.

And while humankind has struggled with sexuality for eons, never in our history have we faced the onslaught of exaggerated, unrealistic, pornographic images literally filling our comm unites, homes, and lives. We are just beginning to observe the results of such a society.

Over the millennia, in virtually all societies we observe numerous attempts to curb or eliminate the difficulties associated with unregulated human sexuality. From castration of males and females, to covering and veiling women; from repression to denial, from society’s laws to God’s commandments, little seems to have ultimately been effective in managing human sexuality.

Historically, men have considered their desire for women as either the evil temptations of women, a satanic influence, or a divine design specifically for men's use and pleasure. None is correct.

While there are certainly men and women who hold such views, there are those who have evolved beyond their primitive instincts who honor woman as human beings, full participants in life, with gifts and talents and abilities beyond their bodies.

The more men value women, the less they use and abuse them.

Humans are not without conscience or a thinking brain. Recent evidence confirms that humans are not hard-wired as are other species. The fixed action patterns, which once governed primitive behavior, can be released or diminished as self-awareness increases. Humans are not subject to early primitive instincts but can, through awareness embrace new understanding and and behavior.

Further, what we know from our evolutionary history is that what is maladaptive diminishes and ultimately disappears. As we come to understand the impact of an obsession with sexual stimulus, perhaps the awareness alone will bring a new enlightenment to our humanness. Perhaps emerging in the hearts and minds of men and women is a sense of valuing women for their unique contributions to life, rather than how pleasing their form and servitude may be to men.

The primitive sexual strategy to randomly use the bodies of females to impregnate and further one's DNA without parental investment and care, is no longer appropriate and is indeed maladaptive to humans.

Finally, from Dr. Normon Doidge's, The Brain that Changes Itself, "..the humans sexual "instinct" seems to have broken free of its core purpose, reproduction and varies to a bewildering extent, as it does not in other animals in which the sexual instinct seems to behave itself and act like an instinct. No other instinct can so satisfy without accomplishing its logical purpose, and no other instinct is so disconnected from it s purpose"

What will the future hold? If history is our guide, men who release the primitive maladaptive mating strategies and invest their time and resources in their offspring will continue our species.

Is your Relationship Withering? Are you Bored with your Partner? Do you feel like Wandering? You May Need Some Dopamine

2008-07-01T10:18:00.013-05:00

Is your relationship dull? Lifeless? Boring?

Does the excitement of a new relationship sound tempting?

The answer to the problem is not to find a new partner and repeat the cycle. The answer is to stimulate your relationship.

Let me explain.

The human mind craves learning and stimulation. Hardwired into our brain is a system designed to desire (perhaps require) growth. The powerful pleasure giving chemical, Dopamine is released as we learn, grow and are stimulated in new ways.

Some neurologists suggest we are hardwired through evolution to respond to novelty to such a degree that often, novelty alone is a source of pleasure. As dopamine is released as a response to a particular stimulus, we not only find pleasure in the moment but life feels more pleasurable.

At times, in relationships after the initial excitement/attraction phase ends relationships develop a sort of tolerance, as partners get very comfortable and secure with one another. The powerful chemicals that flood our brains during the first stage, the attraction phase of a relationship diminish.

The relationship may fall into a routine with familiar patterns turning into ruts.

What we now know through brain research is that by infusing the relationship with novelty, the relationship can overcome the challenge of boredom. Marriage partners can gain immense pleasure in the company of each other without the need for a new partner.

In the fabulous book, The Brain that Changes Itself, by Dr. Norman Doidge, Doidge explains the neurology and brain chemistry:

"Fortunately, lovers can stimulate their dopamine, keeping the high alive, by injecting novelty into their relationship. when a couple go on a romantic vacation or try new activities together, or wear new kinds of clothing or surprise each other, they are using novelty to turn on the pleasure centers, so that everything they experience, including each other, excites and pleases them. Once the pleasure centers are turned on and globalization begins, the new image of the beloved again becomes associated with unexpected pleasures and a plastically wired into the brain, which has evolved to respond to novelty. We must be learning if we are to feel fully
alive, and when life, or love, becomes too predictable and it seems like there is little left to learn, we become restless - a protest, perhaps of the plastic brain when it can no longer perform its essential task."

If your relationship is floundering and you feel bored, rather than search out someone new, why not search for new ways to keep the relationship alive?

Take a look at the ruts you have fallen in to. What can you change? If you always go to your favorite Mexican restaurant, why not try Chinese? If you go to the same theater to watch adventure movies, how about going to an independant theater or attending a live musical? If vacation always take you to the beach, what about going to the mountains?

If you think about it for a minute you can come up with all sorts of new ways to change and get out of those ruts.

The point is, to keep learning, keep moving, keep growing within your partnership. The more you stimulate the dopamine in your brain through novelty with your spouse, the more pleasurable your relationship.

Why not take a second or two right now and think of a few ways you could easily make some fun changes?

PS: Remember, if you are a boring person, that doesn't help... but this is the topic for another post.

Ten Things to do Every Day to Keep your Marriage Alive

2008-06-20T15:17:00.005-05:00

Many couples are looking for simple ways to improve their relationship. If you have read this blog, or if you have been married for a significant amount of time you know a healthy and happy marriage requires a lot of energy and care.

Still sometimes we need a little help! Sometimes we forget the easy and simple things that keep us going strong.

This article is to help those who need a reminder or two for quick and easy ways to nourish their relationship. Like a flower needs daily water, so too do our relationships need constant care.

I have come up with ten very quick and simple things you can do, each under one minute, every day to keep your marriage strong. You could probably do all ten in under one minute, but why not invest a little more time?

Here you go... Ten Things to do Every Day to Keep your Marriage alive:

1. Give a compliment to your spouse.

2. Kiss for at least ten seconds. (All at once or over ten kisses).

3. Express gratitude for something specific.

4. Look into the eyes of your beloved for more than ten seconds.

5. Flirt, really seriously flirt.

6. Remember a fabulous memory you shared together.

7. Rededicate yourself to your marriage and partner.

8. Do something nice for your partner, just to make him or her happy.

9. Be your best self.

10. Say I love you, out loud.

Now, I am sure there are many more little actions you can take each day, so be creative. The important thing is to keep the spark alive, to remember why you got married, to take some time to nurture your relationship each and every day!

Twenty Five Tips to Stay Married

2008-06-10T08:31:00.006-05:00

I came across a great little online article this morning giving twenty five tips for a lasting successful marriage.

I wanted to share the great advice given by Sharon Randall from The Standard Times.

If your relationship is in need of lots of work, pick one or two of Sharon's tips and get going!

Twenty Five Tips on How to Stay Married *

"1. Always put her first - before work, friends, even
basketball. Act as if she's the best thing that ever happened to you, because we all know she is.

2. Keep no secrets. Pool your money. Allow nothing and no one to come between you.

3. Pick your fights with care. Play fair. Show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they're hard to forget.

4. Fall in love again every day. Kiss her in taxis. Flirt with her at parties. Tell her she's beautiful. Then tell her again.

5. Never miss an anniversary or a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now, but one day they'll be gold.

6. Never give her a practical gift. If she really wants a Shop-Vac, let her pick it out herself.

7. Go to church together, and pray every day for each other and your marriage.

8. Pay your bills on time and make sure you each have a living will, a
durable power of attorney and life insurance, lest, God forbid, you need them.

9. Love her parents as your own, but don't ask them for money. Never criticize her family or friends. On her birthday, send flowers to her mother with a note saying, "Thank you for giving birth to the love of my life."

10. Always listen to her heart; if you're wrong, say you're sorry; if you're right, shut up.

11. Don't half-tie the knot; plan to stay married forever.

12. Never go to bed mad; talk until you're over it, or you forget why you were mad.

13. Laugh together a lot. If you can laugh at yourselves, you'll have plenty to laugh about.

14. Never criticize, correct or interrupt her in public; try not to do it in private either.

15. Remember that people are the least lovable when they are most in need of love.

16. Never fall for the myth of perfectionism; it's a lie.

17. When you don't like each other, remember that you love each other;
pray for the "good days" to return and they will.

18. Tell the truth, only the truth, with great kindness.

19. Kiss at least 10 seconds a day, all at once or spread out.

20. Memorize all her favorite things and amaze her with how very well you know her.

21. Examine your relationship as often as you change the oil in your car; keep steering it on a path you both want it to go.

22. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally, and never stop growing spiritually.

23. Never raise your voice unless you're on fire. Whisper when you argue.

24. Be both friends and lovers; in a blackout, light a candle, then make your own sparks.

25. Finally, be an interesting person, lead your own life. But always save your best for each other. In the end, you will know you were better together than you ever could've been apart.

Here's to happily ever after.

*Please note.... while the tips use either "him" or "her" they are meant for both partners!

*You can read Sharon's full article here: 25 Tips on How to Stay Married

Sharon Randall can be contacted at P.O. Box 777394, Henderson NV 89077 or at sharonrandall.com. The Standard-Times.

Especially for Men and the Women who Love Them

2008-05-25T08:25:00.006-05:00

While I am writing this post for men who have particularly requested this topic, it is actually directed to women.

Here is the problem...

What can a man do when his wife refuses sex.

Some men feel their wives are not particularly interested in sex, or their sex drives are less than theirs. This situation creates frustration and resentment at best, anger and divorce at worst.

Unequal sex drives is a common problem, unfortunately with not too many great solutions. Reality is two people coming together are not always in the mood at the same time or in the same ways. Family obligations, work demands, physical and emotional health; and many other factors influence the dynamics of a couple's sexual experience. Managing the sexual needs of humans has most likely been a problem for, oh, at least five thousand years. (smile)

Historically, women have been the property of men and under obligation to be sexually used as was necessary for a man. But as society has moved toward equality women often no longer feel a need to be sexually available to a man; women in many civilized and modern cultures no longer believe sex is a duty or requirement. And, men no longer are able to demand sex as they wish whether from a wife, concubine, or slave.

Few will argue that the old system was in any way in the best interest of women and certainly we (in many areas of the world) have become more enlightened, and progressed toward treating women as fully human with rights over their own bodies.

Today we have some great men who would never remotely think of raping their wives, and who honor, respect, and love their life partners and yet they are not feeling sexually fulfilled and are at a loss as to what to do.

I've posted a few articles to help women feel more sexual, sharing research on this topic. For a few examples, we know that women under stress, with low self-esteem, or in unhealthy relationships, are not often wanting to emotionally or physically engage in sexual activity. You can read more on this topic *here*. I've also given a simple exercise *here* that helps some couples get out of the need/resentment cycle.

Still, there are conscientious men who love their wives and try everything they can to make their relationship healthy and strong, but may be continually frustrated with their wives who are not interested in sex.

So, this is for the women who have great husbands who love them and want to have a wonderful, fulfilling, and sexually satisfying relationship.

Ladies....

Now, first let me be really clear. I am the first one to denounce any remote suggestion that sex is a duty or obligation. I think there is little that would squelch love making for women more than this archaic idea. It completely takes out any pleasure or fun and turns what can be an incredible bonding and loving experience into one or resentment and degradation.

What I do think however, is that it is loving and kind to give to our partners even if we are not always totally, completely in the mood.

This doesn't mean we become doormats or slaves nor does it mean we give up our sense of self or integrity.

It means that, as in other areas of a relationship we give and show love to our spouse (or partner).

Men sometimes do not realize all that goes on in a woman's heart and mind associated with sex, and women sometimes do not realize the particular needs of men.*

So the best a couple can do is BOTH work to support and accommodate the needs of the other, not out of obligation or resentment but out of love and care.

For men, it may mean expressing love more often or demonstrating faithfulness, for women it may be learning to be more accommodating and sexually open.*

The point is, a healthy sexual relationship is not about exclusively focusing on one's own particular needs in every given moment but realizing that a partnership is about giving, sharing, compromising, and most of all loving.

For more on this topic please read:

Sexual Incompatibility

Ten Ways to Get Women in the Mood

*Obviously these are just some examples given for the particular purposes of this post; I do not mean to imply all women or all men fall into any category. There are certainly women who have a greater sex drive then many men.

How to End an Affair

2008-05-20T08:00:00.005-05:00

You are having an affair, you know it is wrong and part of you wants to end it but you can't seem to stop.

How do you end the affair?

I'm going to approach this topic from two perspectives, the emotional and the concrete.

First a little background, regardless of the excuses/justifications for your affair, the answer to your underlying problems is not to have an affair. An affair is an easy way to cover up the problem just as is substances abuse, shopping addictions, or various other activities in which we engage to hide our pain or problems.

But often when one is in the midst of the affair one can't see it. Why?

Because those endorphins that flood our brain during the attraction phase of a relationship are POWERFUL. It feels fabulous to be in that stage of romance. We like it and it is rather like an addiction, pulling us onwward and nearly controlling our thoughts and desires. We feel creative, sexy, wild, empowered, and we have more energy that we ever though possible.

Sometimes the lure of someone new seems better than one's long term relationship that may have moved out of that wild and crazy attraction phase. Maybe the relationship has wilted and suffered over the years. Perhaps the daily demands of a family have thwarted the passion and love that once existed.

So, yes it is not always easy to pull oneself away from an affair, but it is possible and you can do it.

Somewhere deep down, people know an affair is not the answer, nor is it the decent, healthy, honest, moral, or holy way to live.*

So how does one end the affair?

First lets talk about the emotional component.

Start by bringing into your mind the heartache that WILL come when the affair is discovered. Affairs don't usually end until the people are caught. (Unless you read this article and stop the affair today). Think about the pain your spouse will be in when she/he discovers what you are doing. Think of the heartache, the sorrow, the devastation. Think of your children and how they will feel about you. Think about how it may be to actually end your marriage, the divorce, the sorrow, the consequences in every area of your life.

Now, it is easy to dismiss all this but I want you to take it into your heart and ponder it for a while. Allow yourself to really feel what it will be like. Where will you be when you have the discussion to divorce? How will you tell your children you were unfaithful to your family? Where will you live after the divorce? How often will you get to see your children? How will your parents and friends feel about you? What consequences may come forth in your religious experience? Keep in mind that the person with whom you are having an affair will not seem so wonderful to you once that attraction phase is gone, and in spite of your belief that he or she is your soul mate, those emotions are a result of the endorphins currently flooding your brain... nothing else.

Remember the fact that an affair is a selfish behavior that puts your pleasure over the love of your spouse, children, and family; and in most cases over ones sense of morality and decency.

Now, please remember this:

This is not a time to feel sad and remorseful because your affair is ending. You do not mourn or whine. It is a time to celebrate that you have the strength to make the right decision. It is a time to praise yourself that you care more about your family than you do about the affair. Rejoice that you have made a decision that will save your marriage and allow you to recommit to your life partner.

Now, lets discuss the concrete dynamics of ending an affair.

You stop the affair today. Right now. You get up your strength, clear your head, and right now decide it has ended. You don't need to meet one more time, you don't need to explain anything to anyone. You just stop. You call and tell the person it is over and that is it. No elaborate conversation, no tears, no excuses or reasons or justifications. You are clear and blunt and decisive. (I'm not suggesting one is rude or cruel but there is no need for discussion, indeed it is not appropriate and may make it more difficult).

For example:

"I have decided to end this affair and will no longer be seeing you. I wish you the best."

Simple. Memorize the above if you need to. Or come up with a simple statement of your own but be clear and strong.

If you are having an affair with a co-worker or someone you see on a regular basis, do what you can to remove yourself from the situation.

You never allow yourself to be alone with the person again. NEVER. You do everything possible to NOT see the person or engage in a relationship of any sort.

You do not keep seeing each other as friends, you do not allow for temptation, you do not keep it going in your heart.

It is over. Done. Finished.

Promise yourself that from this moment on you will invest in your marriage, make it wonderful, find fulfillment in your family. You will do everything that is necessary to have a healthy and happy marriage.

You can do it! I know you can!

Today!

*Whether one frames the experience in religious or secular terms, there is a sense of living in dishonesty and guilt that is clearly uncomfortable.

Thank you to those who suggested this topic for a post. :-)

Are You Having an Affair? How Will it End?

2008-04-16T08:49:00.002-05:00

If you married and having an affair this post is for you.

Let me play prophetess for a minute and predict the future.

You will convince yourself that you have found the perfect person who happens not to be your spouse. You will come to believe that he or she fills the emptiness inside you. You will tell yourself that you have found your soul mate and that somehow you will be together. You know it is not right but you just can't help yourself.

You will continue on until you are caught.

Then comes the heartbreak, the sorrow, the pain. You will realize how you have been dishonest and how you cheated on the one to whom you promised faithfulness. You will know the damage you caused to your life partner, your children, your family.

The relationship will end with heartbreak, for you and for all those whom you have hurt.

This scenario happens day after day after day. One doesn't need to be a therapist to know this is an extraordinarily common story in spite of the fact that those who are having an affair try to convince themselves otherwise.

The clear pattern is, the affair keeps going until someone gets caught.

However, you can change the outcome. Right today, you can made decisions that will save you and your loved ones from the pain and sorrow that is sure to come if you continue on with your deceit and cheating.

Here are your two choices to have a better ending:

1. End the affair and recommit to your marriage. You do this today. TODAY. Decide you want to live with integrity and honesty, and be faithful to your spouse and children. Know that your excitement about your "friend" is all about attraction, and like everyone in the attraction phase of a relationship your brain is being flooded with those powerful endorphins and chemicals that create excitement and passion. THIS IS NOT LOVE. This is excitement. You have not found your "soul mate" you have found another person to get those chemicals flowing. Rather than invest your time and energy into your marriage and family, you allow yourself to succumb to the flood of excitement that always comes with that first phase of attraction.

You end the affair, pick up the pieces and reinvest in your marriage and family. You recommit to making your marriage healthy and happy. You again live with integrity and goodness.

2. Stop the affair and get a divorce. Now, I am a believer that virtually all marriages can be saved if both parties are willing to do the work. However, if you have done everything you can to have a healthy and fulfilling marriage and simply know you cannot continue, then you get a divorce BEFORE your continue with your new relationship.

You act with decency and respect. You let go of your selfishness, stop lying and cheating and take the proper steps to end one relationship before you begin another.

Now, I know those of you who read this and are currently having an affair are going to give yourself all sorts of excuses to keep the affair going. You can't help yourself, you know you need to be together, etc. etc.

But deep down you know what it means to live an honorable life. You know what you are doing violates your conscience and your ideas of decency. You know you are lying, deceiving, and cheating. You can pretend otherwise for a time but to do so only delays the inevitable, which is pain, heartbreak, and the destruction of your family.

Before you bring humiliation and heartbreak to your family and spouse, and yourself, stop the affair. Stop it today. Decide it is over and you will never again allow yourself to be caught in this web of deceit and unfaithfulness.

Do the right thing... today.

The Scarcity and Beauty of Commitment

2008-04-09T09:16:00.003-05:00

"In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced."

~Robert Sexton

Attraction versus True Love.... the lies and myths

2008-03-31T16:25:00.005-05:00

Society is confusing us.

It is pretending that attraction is true love.

It is not!

In addition to this nonsensical myth, we are being taught the lie that marriage should always be filled with the excitement, energy, and elation of the first stage of attraction.

Again, this is a lie. It is not only not true it is a damaging hurtful lie.

Lets look at the truth for a minute.

Attraction is the first stage of a romantic relationship evolution invented to bring people together to reproduce. This stage is quite amazing as we all know. People in this stage are nothing less than obsessed with the object of their desire. There are so many chemicals swirling around in our brains and bodies that it is no wonder many feel like they are on a high. They have more energy, more passion, more creativity. They can think of nothing more than their heart throb.

Yes, most people like this attraction phase. However it was never meant to last more than a year or two. Why? Because it is not in the best interest of individuals or life in general.

What does happen however is something even more amazing. If a relationship is strong enough, couples may move from that initial attraction into bonding and true love.

While not as intense as the attraction phase it is filled with new emotions. More subtle but also more powerful.

This phase is filled with contentment, peace, and joy. It is deeply satisfying and pleasurable, not in quite such an intense and thrilling way but certainly in a powerful and beautiful way.

Now, let us go back to the initial confusing lie we are told... that attraction is love.

Attraction is what brings people together but it really has nothing to do with love. Of course we are often deeply attracted to those we love but it is not the attraction that is love.

Love is the deep care, concern, joy, investment, commitment, appreciation,and sharing of one's life. As we share ourselves with our beloved, as we open our hearts and souls to a receptive holder of dreams, we grow in love.

As a couple unites their desires, combines their efforts, dedicates their lives to each other and their families or common goals, love grows.

Many couples who have been married for most of their lives will tell us that the love has continually deepened as they have matured. They will tell us that the love and attraction they feel in their sixties and seventies is more than anything they dreamed possible in their twenties and thirties.

In other words, love is not that feeling of just wanting to be with someone, love is the strength, union, and emotion that results from uniting, sharing, communing, and embracing our partner.

It is something that grows, develops, and deepens given the investment and care.

Think of it this way, the attraction phase is like planting a seed, and love is that which grows from the seed.

When I hear men and women say that they love their partner but are no longer attracted to them, I often hear, "I don't feel that initial attraction I once felt for my partner, and I want to."

What may be happening is that as the attraction phase ended the relationship did not deepen and grow as it could have. It stopped developing, blossoming, and evolving and therefore is no longer providing the contentment, joy, pleasure that can be profound as a relationship continues.

What to do?

The answer is not to end the relationship and find another partner who will provide us with that attraction high, because as we all know, that will end as it always does.

The answer is, to invest in the relationship, nurture the friendship, commit to one's life partner, and do everything one can to bring forth the beauty and joy that is only found in truly intimate relationship.

As we release that need for the initial attraction phase and realize that we can have a profoundly deep, meaningful, and loving relationship as we share our lives with our partner perhaps we can embrace the goodness in our spouse, focus on the sharing of lives, and become attracted to the one we love.

It happens every day.

How to Not Become Addicted to Porn

2008-03-17T15:27:00.005-05:00

This article is written in response to several questions concerning sexual addiction.

How does one become sexually addicted?

Conversely, how does one prevent sexual addiction in this very sexualized society?

This is a complicated topic, one deserving of the numerous books written to address this issue. The research is ongoing and every day we are learning more about the brain, addiction, neurology, and our sexual responses.

With that disclaimer, let me briefly share a few ideas as I summarize some of the current information on pornography addiction.

First, like all addiction, sexual/pornography addiction is a way to reduce anxiety and pain.

Using drugs to alter our neurochemistry is a way to deaden pain, similarly sexual addiction is a way to release powerful chemicals in the brain that create feelings of elation and pleasure, reducing anxiety and pain.

Basically, porn is a fast acting and extremely effective way to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain. In the moments following the release of pleasurable neurochemicals, pain and anxiety are diminished and one lives in a positive state for a few moments, a literal, "high".

In time, as with all addictions, the body adjusts to the highs and moves into "tolerance," a phase where the same stimulus is no longer effective, and increase of the stimulus is required to produce the same "high".

Further complicating the situation is the fact that the "need" itself creates further anxiety and even feelings of panic, heightening the "need."

As time passes the increase stimulus moves the person into one of two states, either a state of very uncomfortable withdrawal, (without the stimulus), or a "high" requiring and engaging a considerable amount of stimulus.

How can one prevent this scenario?

Again this is complicated and multifaceted so to simplify let me share what we know about men who become addicted to porn/sex.

* We know that the more emotionally healthy and happy, the less one tends to engage in behaviors that dull one's emotions and pain.

* We know that the temporary "high" is not equivalent to happiness, in fact often leads to unhappiness.

* We know that sexual addiction is ultimately an intimacy disorder, often with origins of difficulties, possibly abuse in early childhood.

* We know that men often try to replace the care, intimacy, and love of a real human being, with a momentary "high".

* We know that the "need" for porn is not just to dull the pain of lack of intimacy, love, or even sex but can be in response to any and all pain or anxiety.

* We know that men who become addicted to porn require more "edgy" (graphic, unusual, children, tawdry, deviant, etc), images to receive the "high."

So based on the above information, how does one prevent themselves from becoming addicted?

The following list if very simplistic and provides a brief and simple overview of prevention. The following does not address the complexities of actual addiction and recovery.

1. Do whatever you must do to obtain emotional health. What issues and challenges are you currently facing that need overcoming? What pain are you repressing that needs healing? Perhaps counseling is in order to help work through the pain and anxiety that may contribute to the need for a dulling of the emotions.

2. Reflect on how you feel about women generally? The more respect, the less objectification of women. The more a guy sees women as equal, valuable, human beings, (mothers, daughters, sisters, granddaughters, partners, friends), the less he considers it appropriate to degrade and use women for his momentary gratification. Men do not objectify those he does not consider a possible sexual partner.

3. Rather than repress, release. In other words, it is not healthy to deny one has emotions, feelings, and even urges but these can be released rather than repressed. One can acknowledge an instinct and let it go rather than indulge. One can consciously let go of the thought rather than hold the ideas and allow thoughts to grow and increase. It may take practice nevertheless, it is the healthy way to move toward greater consciousness.

4. Avoid those situations, images, media, and environments that promote the objectification of women. One doesn't need to immerse themselves in the sexual environment of our society. As an alcoholic avoids the bar, (perhaps even the beer section of the market), those with tendencies toward porn addiction may find removing themselves from the temptation extremely valuable. There is a lot to be said for eliminating temptation.

5. How do you manage pain and anxiety? Many guys find it easy to just cover up the pain, and have not learned how to manage and truly cope with anxiety or uncomfortable feelings and emotions. Our society seems to have done a poor job of teaching healthy and appropriate ways to deal with the challenges of life. If you notice you are not dealing well with the challenges of life, or if you find yourself wanting to cover up, ignore, deny the pain, get professional help to learn to better manage those difficulties.

6. Hold onto your values. If you are a secularist who values respect and equality, or if one is a religionist who has standards of morality, or if you are a believer in honoring life and our human family, remind yourself often of what you believe is a healthy and enlightened way to live life. Most people, upon reflection and as they listen to their heart, realize when they are living out of balance, or not in harmony with their deepest sense of goodness. Most of us, if we ponder and honestly reflect on our actions and behavior, and even thoughts have a sense of what is decent and respectful, and what promotes kindness and honor in our world. Most of us have an ability to sense when we are engaging in behavior that is not truly in our best interest, if we only attune ourselves to this ability.

The more a man is aware and consciously acknowledges his behaviors and the resulting consequences or results, the less likely he will move into an unhealthy state of addiction.

In sum, addiction to porn is based in pain, it is a intimacy disorder, and is a unhealthy way to dull the senses and create moments of pleasure. The brain "tricks" a person into thinking the pleasure is somehow leading to happiness, when in fact the opposite is true.

Basically there are two clear factors that we know lessen the probablity a guy will become addicted to porn: the more emotionally healthy the individual, the less likely he will become addicted to porn. And, the less one immerses oneself into porn, the less likely he will become addicted to porn.

Again, this is a very brief overview but perhaps will give some ideas of how to prevent porn addiction.

Are you addicted to porn? Do you need some help? Read this post! Take the test!

Does Porn help or hurt relationships? Read this post!

Please feel free to comment, or email me if you have further questions or concerns!

Ten Ways to Make Sure You Never Have Sexual Intimacy

2008-02-28T08:58:00.007-05:00

Is there anyone who does NOT want true, passionate intimacy in their relationship? Is there anyone who wants to feel less connected , who wants to have less sex, who wants to be less loved?*

For those who do, here are ten sure fire ways to make sure you have NO sexual intimacy in your relationship:

1. Be grumpy and irritable. Whine, mope around, and do your best complaining. Don't smile, laugh, enjoy anything. Snap back at any comments and always respond with something rude. Complain loud and clear and often. The grumpier you are the better.

2. Criticize your partner. The more you complain about your partner the more your beloved will feel how unworthy he or she is. The goal here is to put down your partner, make them feel worthless, make them feel they do not measure up to others. Make sure you do not utter any compliments or express kindness and care.

3. Be your most unattractive self. Do not take care of your body. If you are dirty, sloppy, have greasy hair, and smell really bad chances are pretty good you won't be having much romance any time soon.

4. Don't be attentive to your partner. Do not show any interest. Ignore your partner. Stay really busy with work or hobbies. Attend to neighbors, activities, or anything so long as you are not attending to your beloved.

5. Compare your partner to some fantasy ideal. This is important. The way to make your partner feel really bad is to remind him or her how much they do not fulfill your fantasies. Let your partner know that she or he does not have the right body, does not make enough money, or does not come close to the "wonderfulness" of some other fabulous person.

6. Don't be playful, lighthearted, or enjoyable. Laughter, sexy teasing, and flirting are out of the question. Remember, the more fun you are the more likely your partner will be attracted to you so make sure you are miserable to be around and absolutely no fun whatsoever.

7. Don't be helpful, or do any nice little things to show you care. If you show you care then your partner may feel appreciation and start expressing love and gratitude. Doing kind and loving acts will bring you closer to one another so do what you can to be thoughtless and inconsiderate.

8. Make sure your bedroom is a complete mess. Make sure the TV is blasting, laptop is on the nightstand to resume a project, a cell phone is near by to take some calls, and your blackberry is handy, in case you need something. The more distractions the more your partner will know you are not really wanting sexual intimacy but just needing a moment or two of their time for sex.

9. Keep your environment free from romance and serenity. Under no circumstances have romantic music playing, candles burning, lovely smells, or anything that may stimulate feelings of care or intimacy. The more your home environment is free from anything that brings peace and joy to your home, the better.

10. Under no circumstances express and show love. Do not let your partner know how much you love her or him. Do not remind yourself of all the great qualities of your partner. Do not reflect on the good things, the good times, the good memories. Do not speak of your love, do not express your love, do not show your love. Keep it hidden. Keep your love a secret, and if you can forget about it great.

*Now, my serious suggestion is that if a couple is facing difficult challenges with sexual intimacy that are not helped with behavioral and attitudinal changes, and/or if one partner is not interested in sex, therapy is in order. There are many ways to help overcome sexual dysfunction and attachment disorders but most often they require some professional help.

Are you Addicted to Porn? Take the Test

2008-02-26T16:52:00.002-05:00

After my recent post on in the influence of porn on relationships I have received several heart wrenching emails and comments by men sharing their challenge with porn addiction. I feel a need to briefly share further information.

My heart goes out to all those men and women struggling with the pain of this largely ignored challenge, whether one is personally addicted, or a family member, spouse, or friend of an sex addict, the consequences are serious and often severe.

This post is to briefly address some of the basic concerns and questions surrounding the topic of porn addiction.

While each day more and more men are admitting their problems with porn, and porn has become normalized and even celebrated in certain parts of society, porn addiction is still hidden, denied, minimized, and rationalized away.

We are just beginning to see the results of how the inundation of porn is affecting society. Each day we are hearing the results of an out of control addiction literally flooding our world.

For a few examples, this past week, I learned of a nineteen year old who has been struggling with porn addiction for four years. In a nearby city, a house was raided by the FBI because the father was part of an international child porn ring. There are counseling programs now set up to help 10-14 year old boys who are addicted to porn. Families are torn apart and men's lives are consumed with the addiction.

This post is not to preach against porn, nor is it a treatise on morality. Its intent is to offer some information and resources for those who are realizing they have a problem with porn. The problem is appearing more common than anyone imagined and needs to be addressed.

What is sex addiction?

According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, expert on sexual addictions and recovery:

"Sexual addiction is an obsessive preoccupation and compulsive acting-out that
spirals out of control. It happens not in quest of pleasure but because,
somewhere along the line, the psyche confused sex with love and the body
interpreted a rush of adrenaline as a triumph over fear, loneliness and
inadequacy.

Sex addicts aren't over-sexed, and they're not people making excuses for deliciously bad behavior. They're people without any real intimacy in their lives. The sex is a powerfully addictive substitute because, for a few seconds, it fills the emptiness. And that fleeting comfort keeps them coming back for more."*

Dr. Carnes has provided a well researched criteria for Sex Addiction:

1.Recurrent failure to resist sexual impulses.

2.More extensive/longer sexual acting out than intended.

3.Ongoing, but unsuccessful, efforts to stop, reduce, or control behavior.

4.Inordinate time spent obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experiences.

5.Feeling preoccupied with sexual behavior and/or preparatory activities.

6.Acting out takes significant time away from obligations: occupational, academic, domestic, or social.

7.Continuation of behavior despite consequences:
Risk of VDLost partner or had marital problemsLost rights to be with children Abortions/ unwanted pregnanciesCareer problemsRisk arrest

8.Tolerance - More frequency or intensity of behavior is needed over time to obtain the desired result.

9.Deliberately limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities to keep time open for acting out.

10.Distress, restlessness, or irritability if unable to do behavior (withdrawal)
DizzinessBody achesHeadachesSleeplessnessRestlessnessAnxiety Mood swingsDepression

A minumum of 3 of the above 10 needed are needed for sex addiction to be considered present. Most sex addicts have 5 signs, while over 50% have 7.

To briefly share the pathway to sexual addiction, realize it is similar to the dyanmics of all other addictions.

One engages in the behavior, and the behavior escalates. One begins to move into dependency, then compulsion, there is a tolerance followed by a needed escalation. The final stages are feelings of powerlessness and unmanagability.

Often an addict is in denial until the final stages of addiction when life is virtually falling apart; relationships may be suffering, one's job may be at risk, and one is literally out of control.

If you are struggling with porn addiction please get help.

Porn addiction is not something that just goes away. Contrariwise, it continually worsens destroying lives along the way. It seems clear that porn addiction requires professional help.

The good news is that help is available. The first step is admitting you need help. The second step is finding a good therapist competent in sexual addictions. The final step is to commit yourself to getting help and healing yourself.

Below are a few articles to further inform you of the basics of addiction.

To take an online assessment to see if you are an addict, (although if you are wondering you may already know the answer in your gut):

Online Sex addict assessment tests

Dr. Patrick Carnes is the foremost expert on sexual addictions, and the one from whom I received my training in sexual addictions. He is not only an authority on sex addictions but a wonderful human being as well. His very informative site has numerous resources and a list of qualified therapists throughout the country:

Sex Help

Additional articles that give brief overviews:

What is Porn Addiction

Battling Porn addiction

*Strung out on sex

If you have further questions please feel free to ask!

Note: While I understand woman may be sexually addicted as well, the vast majority of those struggling with this issue are men.

How to Heal Your Marriage in One Year - Or, The Wedding, by Nicholas Sparks

2008-02-21T10:29:00.003-05:00

Of all the books on marriage and intimacy I have studied, one of my favorites is, The Wedding, by Nicholas Sparks.

Now, some may think of "The Wedding" as a romance novel, or a book for romance starved women but to me, it is an incredible guide to help men heal their marriage.

In fact, it may be the best book for men on the market!

The Wedding, is the story of a man, written from his personal perspective who comes to realize his marriage is withering, perhaps nearly dead. He takes the reader on a one year adventure of discovery and healing as he makes some changes in his life, rediscovers himself, awakens his love, ignites passion once again, and ultimate heals his marriage.

While the book is a lovely story, well written, and sprinkled with surprises, more than anything it is filled with insights about healing a marriage. Over and over, a reader will discover gems of wisdom, and tips to ponder. The Wedding will take you on a journey of reflection and contemplation as one reviews his or her habits, patterns, and even ruts.

For those men who may need a reawakening, a new spark, or a complete overhaul in their marriage, I encourage you to read this book.

The Wedding, is a quick, delightful read, and much more fun than reviewing research and statistics about marriage. It is inspiring and uplifting book filled with hope, encouragement and love!

After reading The Wedding, you will have a guide to healing your marriage!

And, I'm pretty sure you can do it in less than one year!

The Ultimate Task

2008-02-14T17:36:00.003-05:00

“For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Artwork is a mandala I painted upon which to meditate for the subconscious awakening of intimate and sexual energy.

Does Pornography Help or Hurt Relationships?

2008-02-05T10:19:00.000-05:00

Our society, and much of the world is experiencing a phenomenon unlike any that has ever existed on our planet:

The ubiquitous phenomenon of pornography flooding our lives, our homes, and our world.

How is porn impacting marriages, relationships, and individual lives?

In a blog attempting to support and strengthen relationships, the topic of pornography is one that must be addressed. This article is not to preach or evangelize, nor is it to discuss morality or ethics.

It is however important that couples understand the possible ramifications of a phenomenon that may impact their relationship. As unpopular as it may be, this article is an attempt to shed light on what many couples may face as society becomes more accepting of increasingly graphic, stark, and violent pornography.

While the media, industry and some advocates, would have us believe porn is harmless, acceptable, and natural, the reality is often much different.

Harmless? Most certainly not to everyone. Acceptable? Not to everyone. Natural? Well, of course nudity and sex are natural. However, there was never a time in human history where men and women and children were inundated with exaggerated nudity available virtually every day, all day and night. There was never a time in the history of our species where the extraordinary extremes of sexuality were available to children and families, in malls, schools and even homes.

What are some of the negative consequences?

While this topic is vast and controversial, I want to briefly share some research while addressing the influence of porn on relationships.

A recent survey of divorce attorneys found that half of all divorces are caused by issues relating to porn. Why? What is happening? What is the problem?

For one thing, research has shown a very clear positive correlation in the amount of porn viewing and dissatisfaction with one's spouse. In other words, studies show, the more a man views porn (even "soft" porn which is basically lingerie adds), the less he is attracted to his wife. There is no question about this. The research is robust, repeated, and clear.

Obviously women are feeling the consequences of porn in numerous ways. We see eating disorders, body loathing, plastic surgery, and unrealistic expectations in girls and young women. We seem women equating their worth to their form and its sexual attractiveness. We see depression and sorrow as the acceptance and normalization of objectifying women spreads throughout the world.

And while many women feel porn is degrading and demeaning to their gender, and women are feeling the consequence of a partner no longer interested in sex with her, the consequences of male viewing may be as damaging.

Rather than creating hyper sexual men as was predicted by feminists a few decades ago, porn viewing actually decreased a mans ability to be sexually responsive. Research is showing the inundation of porn creates a neutralizing effect on a man's ability for sexual arousal.

While many men do not want to admit this is the case, after serious thought and reflection there is often the realization by male porn viewers that indeed it is true.

More and more men, even very young men are needing pharmacological assistance and/or edgy (violent, extreme, degrading, child), porn to sexually perform.

For many people this message is not one they want to hear. It is not politically correct. The media has given us the message that to discuss the negative consequences of a pornified society is to be a fundamentalist, prude, or religious fanatic.

Yet, on a blog honoring and supporting relationships, it seems only responsible and honest to discuss the negative impact porn is having on many marriages and committed relationships.

The use of porn should be a topic of conversation between a couple. Again, this is not an article to preach or condemn what a couple chooses to do regarding their sex lives.

This article is hopefully the beginning of a discussion that can take place between a couple as they weigh the consequences of their choices and decisions.

I believe the more knowledge and awareness, the more informed decisions can be made.

Some questions to ask yourself and discuss with your partner?

Does porn viewing increase or decrease commitment and dedication to the relationship?

Does porn viewing thwart or encourage trust and concern for each other?

Is porn viewing replacing real sexual intimacy?

Do both partners feel porn viewing is respectful and beneficial to the marriage or relationship?

Is the viewing of porn becoming more enticing than one's partner?

Does porn viewing support or detract from emotional intimacy of the partnership or marriage?

While society wants to dismiss or ignore the ramifications of a pornified culture, many therapists encourage honest and open discussion between a couple. A couple together needs to observe how porn is affecting their relationship and their families. They need to decide what is appropriate for them; what is healthy and supportive of their marriage; and how they can best work to make their relationship strong, intimate, and emotionally and physically fulfilling.

If you are interested in this topic, I highly suggest reading Pamela Paul's Pornified: How Pornography is Transforming our Lives, our Relationships, and our Families. This book is unbiased, well written, and summarizes the latest research worldwide.

Robert Jensen's, Getting Off, is another fabulous must-read book discussing the porn industry and the effects of porn on men and society.

Catherine Itzin has an incredible book that discusses these issues from a slightly different perspective, Pornography: Women, Violence, and Civil Liberties.

Finally, based on statistics, there is a good chance that some readers are indeed addicted, or have a family member or partner addicted to porn. For those who are struggling with this issue and wanting help I highly recommend the website of Dr. Patrick Carnes, Sex Help, as a place to begin.

*All research discussed is found in the above books. Research is showing an increase of female viewers of porn, however the research discussed in this article reflects the dynamics of male viewers.

Sexual Incompatibility?

2008-02-01T10:33:00.000-05:00

A common complaint many therapists hear from couples is of sexual incongruency or sexual incompatibility in relationship.

For some couples struggling with their relationship, a man may want more sex, while a woman feels their relationship doesn't have enough non-sexual love and romance.

Sound familiar?

A man may try to be more romantic but it may come across to his wife that he is being more romantic so he can have more sex which compounds the problem. A woman may be more sexual but then there seems to be little if any non-sexual romance, again furthering the problem.

What is the solution?

One simple technique that may be helpful for some couples is to set a specific date for sex.

I know it sounds totally unromantic and uncomfortable, but couples may find it completely eliminates the problem and allows for a new fabulous relationship.

Let me elaborate with an example.

If a couple decides that for one month they will only have sex on Saturdays, but they will have sex every Saturday here is what happens.

First, it becomes clear that any romance or love from the husband during the week is not just to have sex but is a genuine reflection of love and care. In other words it frees a woman from feeling the demand for sex or feeling a hug or kiss is always a need for sex.

For a man, he doesn't have to worry about trying to get his wife to agree to have sex because he knows they have a date for sex. There is no question, concern, or worry at all.

Now, for some sex only once a week may not seem sufficient but often a couple will find that the anticipation, expectation, and desire over the week grows stronger and sex becomes even more fabulous.

The week allows for dreams, plans, and an "event" rather than the often more dutiful, routine, or even boring sexual encounter.

The demands for sex or for romance are diffused and become nearly non-existent, while the anticipation and excitement for sex grows and expands.

Now along with the plan hopefully a man will do his best to be loving and romantic, and hopefully a woman will do her best to be sexually interested as well. This goes without saying.

After a specific and agreed to period of time with this new approach to sex, couples may notice a relationship that is more loving, less manipulative, and much more lighthearted and comfortable.

Romance blossoms, the passion comes back, and sexuality is reignited.

Polish and Shine Your Relationship

2008-01-26T12:28:00.001-05:00

I have a lovely collection of antique silver pieces I have collected and gathered over the years from my relatives. Rather than have these beautiful pieces hidden in cupboards or stored away as is often the case with old inherited items, I display them around my house, not only to remind me of my loved ones who have played an integral part in providing me life but also to brighten and beautify my home.

Recently I noticed some of the pieces were showing tarnish. The brightness was dulled, dark spots were showing up. The beauty of the water pitcher was diminished. The tea service was looking neglected. The candy dishes were no longer sparkling.

I gathered all my silver together and spent a couple of hours cleaning and shinning the silver.

It reminded me of relationships.

As our relationships begin they are often shiny and bright. They look beautiful and we attend to them carefully and lovingly.

After a few years however, there may be some dark spots showing up. We may notice the tarnish dimming what was once lovely. We may forget the care that is required for a bright and healthy relationship.

There are those who may put their silver pieces away, letting them continue to tarnish. The, "Out of sight, out of mind," idea. If you don't notice how a relationship is hurting, you do not have to work on it. The problem of course is, the tarnish builds, and problems get worse.

There are those who think taking care of their silver is too much work so they give it away and get something else. Many people who trade in their spouse for another often find that even with a new partner, a relationship takes work to make it healthy and happy.

And there are those who notice the tarnish and darkness. They decide to take their silver out, shine it, brighten it and keep it beautiful. They remove the dark spots, clean off the tarnish, restore their silver to its original shine, and lovingly care for their beautiful treasures.

Love Never Dies a Natural Death

2008-01-21T18:46:00.000-05:00

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

Author unknown by me

What Can You Do For Your Marriage?

2008-01-03T08:49:00.000-05:00

"Ask not what your marriage can do for you - ask what you can do for your marriage."

Too often in relationships, we get discouraged, tired, or bored. We may blame our partner for not being exciting or fun enough. We may complain that our marriage is unfulfilled or unrewarding.

We start noticing all those little irritations that once were more easily overlooked.

We get into a mode of looking for all the things our marriage should be, and isn't.

Why not take a step back, and follow the advice of President John F. Kennedy, and ask what you can do for your marriage rather than what your marriage should be doing for you. (OK, I took some creative license here and altered the quote just a bit).

The advice is good.

The more we do what we can to make the marriage alive and vibrant, the more fulfilling and joyful the marriage.

I am not suggesting that the health of a marriage is only the result of one person's effort, but couples often fall into the trap of expecting the marriage to be ideal while they fail to do what is necessary to make it so.

As the new year begins, it is a nice time to rethink and recommit to making one's marriage the best it can be.

It is a great time to notice your complaints, negative attitudes, and unhealthy habits, and consciously decide to change your ways.

Perhaps now is a good time to start asking yourself how you can make the marriage wonderful rather than wondering what it is you are not getting out of your marriage.

Soulmate artwork by Marylou Falstreau

Rekindle, Reignite, and Revive your Relationship

2007-12-14T08:25:00.000-05:00

You had a few great years, then the relationship started to die. The fire and passion that was once there is gone. The love and connection is absent. Even the friendship and companionship doesn't seem very alive.

What do you do?

Some women and men may look for someone new.

A new romance is enticing and lots of fun. Why? Because during that initial phase of attraction the mind and body are flooded with wonderful chemicals that create feelings of vibrancy and joy. When we get those endorphins in our system, we feel alive and happy and on a wild "high."

This has NOTHING TO DO WITH REAL GENUINE LOVE.

Please ponder this for a few minutes....(repeat it over and over if necessary)!

Those crazy endorphins that enter our system during the attraction phase of a relationship, and get us thinking we have found the love of our lives are NOT what it means to actually love a person. They were invented by our animal ancestors millions of years ago, and passed along to us to get us to mate so as to further our species. Again, this is NOT love.

When your marriage feels dead, the answer is not to just go off and find someone else so you can get some endorphins, the answer is to work on the relationship and create real love. True love doesn't just happen, it is developed and created.

But the big question is: how does one rekindle, reignite, and revive the relationship?

Let me give you a five specific ideas.

1. Care for your partner. Do all you can to express love, kindness, and care. You give, and give and give to the relationship.

Research shows that the more you give to another, the more YOU love the person to whom you give. This may seem counter intuitive. It may appear that the more you give to another the more they love and appreciate you, but it is absolutely true that the more you give, the more YOU love.

Obviously, as you give to another he or she may also appreciate you as well, but giving to the relationship is about YOU rekindling love toward your partner.

2. Enjoy time together. If you are involved together in joyful activities, enjoyable moments, and fun events, you will bond more deeply. When people share happy times they grow together. Unite by enjoying time together.

3. Create wonderful memories. Memories are like deep roots that bond and hold a couple together. A relationship cannot exist solely on the past experiences, but having wonderful times together, to look upon and reflect upon often remind us of our love and care for each other. When things get tough we have a past to hold to as we work through challenges.

4. Fill your heart with gratitude and appreciation toward your partner. Sometimes a person may not feel love toward a partner but gratitude and appreciation is something more easily created. Notice everything wonderful about your spouse, look for the great things about him or her, keep your mind and spirit filled with the fabulous traits and characteristics. Remember, true love is not just those endorphins but it is about deep care and closeness.

5. Share yourself. This is not easy but very important, perhaps essential for true intimacy and love. A truly loving and intimate relationship requires sharing oneself with your partner. It means risking, opening up, being vulnerable. It means a couple share their hearts with each other. Without this sharing, a relationship may be comfortable but it is not the intimate loving relationship that may be what you are looking for.

And just for fun... one more thing! Enjoy thrilling times together. The same chemicals that create sexual attraction and bonding during sex are the ones that flood our systems during times of extreme excitement. For example, sky diving, riding a roller coaster, or bungee jumping! IOW, thrilling experiences are an aphrodisiac! (This is not about love but it is a fun little way to spark some passion).

A final thought. Proceed into the relationship with the expectation that you will revive the relationship. Hold the truth in your heart that your relationship can indeed be vibrant, healthy, fulfilling, and wildly loving!

Again, true love is not just the endorphins floating through our system.

Real love is much more than this.

I guarantee you that you can absolutely revive your relationship if you do the work.

*Please note, this post is directed toward relationships that are unhealthy but NOT those that are experiencing more difficult issues like spousal abuse that require professional assistance for healing.

Is the Grass Greener on the Other Side of the Fence?

2007-11-29T10:51:00.001-05:00

Today I read a heartfelt letter of a man who no longer feels love for his wife. He describes his once beloved as, "a comfortable roommate."

This man, in his letter states that his once loving and fulfilling partnership is no longer working; we are just not right for each other, we are very different, and we have nothing in common.... except for their lovely children.

As I continue to read, I notice his reasons for the whithering and floundering of his once loving marriage. He suggests their differing religious beliefs are the root of the problem. He believes his wife's more fundamentalist beliefs are causing the problem, while his lack of religious belief is difficult for her.

It seems to make sense.

But the letter goes on.

He describes a several month separation from his family due to a relocation across the country. He describes how during this extended time away from his loved ones, he has developed relationships with others more similar to him. He describes a particular relationship with a women with whom he has emotionally bonded in deep and profound ways. He discusses the acceptance, intimacy, and freedom he enjoys among his new friends. He shares his new found joy in being able to live without the constant demands of family.

What is clear.... the problem is not the issues surrounding religion, not the lack of things in common, and not the "just growing apart."

The problem is, the relationship has not been nurtured, nourished, and attended to.

Of course, for many people a single life, without cares, responsibilities, and duties is easier than attending to a marriage. And, often when we engage in intimate relationships without real life interfering life looks more romantic, exciting, and comfortable.

No surprises here.

But the grass in not greener on the other side of the fence, and as many will tell you, sometimes there is not even any grass.

A healthy relationship takes work, and lots of it.

Healthy, loving, fulfilling relationships do not just happen. They are like a fine fabulous garden that requires energy, time, love, tenderness, and never-ending care.

The idea a marriage can be healthy and happy without the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual/soul investment is really quite incongruent with reality.

And, when things get tough, when the relationship is sick and wilting, someone else always seems to look more attractive.

Yes, there are times when a particular challenge becomes too much for a relationship but more often than not, perhaps in 99% of cases, these external circumstances are not the problem. The problem is lack of attention to the relationship.

I am convinced that regardless of the situation, if a couple decides they will make their marriage vital, alive, and loving, it can happen.

The key is not in specific answers to a particular challenge. It is in the determination, commitment, devotion, care, and love.

This couple, like all couples can allow their challenges to divide and destroy their marriage, OR they can find ways to overcome the difficulties, working together to make their marriage healthy, and heal the wounds that have harmed their love!

If you want green grass, try watering the lawn!

Great Things About Couples!

2007-11-23T14:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes we get the impression from the media that being a couple is less than wonderful.

When our relationships feel strained or boring, those little thoughts can come into our minds that the single life would be easier!

For those who have ever entertained the idea, there is a fabulous must read article at the wonderful blog: Feeling Flirty? Get a Date!

In this article you will learn that couples more than singles are typically healthier, happier, wealthier, more productive, live longer, and have better sex!

For the full article, please read, "Help for the Commitment Stressed!"

Image found here.

Thanks and Giving

2007-11-22T13:24:00.000-05:00

Today is Thanksgiving, one of the cherished holidays in the United States.

We typically spend the day relaxing, eating, watching football, eating, visiting with relatives, eating, relaxing, remembering the Pilgrims and Native American's first feast, and ....eating.

We hopefully find some time to focus on the deeper meaning of the day... it is a day of thanks and a day of sharing in rememberence of a time long ago when the first Americans and the new European settlers came together to celebrate

When it comes to relationships I cannot think of two more important qualities... gratitude and giving.

Do you appreciate all the wonderful qualities of your spouse? Do you show that appreciation? Express it? Does your spouse truly know how much you appreciate him or her? Have you spent some time thinking about the many traits you admire in your spouse? When was the last time you devoted a few minutes just to share your gratitude for your beloved?

How about giving? Do you give as much as you can? Do you share the highest in you with your spouse? Have you thoughtfully given of your time and energy to make your relationship more vibrant and loving? When was the last time you consciously gave something of value to your partner?

While we celebrate this day of thanks and giving, it may be a nice time to expand the sentiment into our loving relationships and remember to express and show gratitude, and give all that we have to making the partnership alive and loving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Change it Up!

2007-11-14T09:17:00.000-05:00

Personal trainers will repeatedly advise clients to, "change it up," when they are not getting the results they want, or are stuck in a rut.

Similarly, last night while playing a mind stimulating computer game, a tip showed up that said, "Routine is bad for the brain."

It got me thinking about relationships.

Sometimes routine is bad for marriage as well!

Sometimes in our long term relationship, we need to "change it up."

If we are not getting the results we want, if we sense our relationship is stuck in a rut, it may be time to rekindle the spark, reignite the passion, and revitalize the relationship!

When given the assignment to "change it up" from a marriage counselor, some clients may reply that they don't know what to do.

Start by just doing something different.

If a work-out consists of riding aerobics, and riding a bike, one may find changing to a day of running and yoga to be beneficial!

In other words, changing our routine moves us to a different place!

When we look at our day, we often find that the vast majority of it is exactly like every other day. We sit in the same chairs, eat the same foods, have the same conversations, brush our teeth in the same direction, and take the same route to work.

Just changing the routine alone can begin to improve the relationship.

Do something different.

Next, we know that when we ask our brain questions, we tend to find the answers.

So, ask yourself these questions:

How can I make today better?

What could I do differently today that would be a surprise?

How can I improve my attitude or behavior?

What could I do that is completely out of character (in a fun and entertaining way of course)!

As a couple, where could we go that we have never been?

The point is, to, "change it up," one does not need to invest in huge amounts of time, money, or energy. It just takes a desire to brighten the relationship, a few moments of pondering, and a commitment to make some changes!

Marriage Takes Place in Your Heart

2007-11-11T21:15:00.000-05:00

"The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It's a choice you make, not just on your wedding day, but over and over again, and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife."

~Barbara De Angelis

How do you treat your spouse?

Does your behavior reflect your choice to create a healthy and beautiful marriage?

Have you made the choice today to make your partnership the most loving it can be?

Have you reminded yourself of your marriage vows?

Sometimes in the business of life, we get caught up in our daily activities and forget the importance of our partner, our marriage, and our commitment.

Take some time today, and make the choice to be married.

How to Stay Married

2007-11-06T21:21:00.001-05:00

How to Stay Married

If you are selfish, get over it.

If you are impatient, develop patience.

If you don't have a sense of humor, get one.

If you are easily irritated, calm down.

If you are filled with anxiety, relax.

If you are too serious, lighten up.

If you are too frivolous, find balance.

If you are demanding, soften your approach.

If you are jealous, develop trust.

If you are are holding a grudge, let it go.

If you are judgmental, find acceptance.

If you are controlling, learn equality.

If you are untrustworthy, develop honesty.

If you are lazy, learn to work.

If you are submissive, learn to assert yourself.

If you are rigid, develop flexibility.

If you are unkind, become loving.

If you harbor resentment, learn to forgive.

If you are arrogant, find humility.

If you are argumentative, learn to listen.

If you are immature, grow up.

In sum, heal yourself, develop your character, and become the best person you can possibly be!

Will this insure you have a healthy marriage forever and ever? No. But, bringing your very best self to the relationship gives you the best possible chance!

And, if both partners do the best they can, well, chances are pretty great there will be a healthy, fulfilling, loving relationship for a long time to come!

Fungus, Parasites, and Temptations

2007-11-03T09:42:00.000-05:00

It amazes me how easily fungi and parasites can kill a plant.

A little microscopic creature, can take hold of a flower and in no time completely destroy it.

How does this happen?

Any gardener will tell you that the way to keep fungus and other plant destroying creatures from harming a garden is to keep the plants healthy. The stronger are the plants the less destructive fungus and parasites.

And so, gardeners will make sure their plants are well watered, receive the proper amount of sunlight, and have the nutrients they need to remain at optimal health.

If a plant is showing signs of a destructive parasite, the gardener will immediately destroy the harmful bugs, allowing the plant to grow and flourish.

Similarly, our relationships can become susceptible to the destructive nature of temptation if they are not strong and healthy.

Think of temptations like a fungus... right there, surrounding us, available at every turn, just waiting to enter and destroy our loving relationships.

The moment our relationship gets weak or starts withering, temptation is right there ready to take over.

However, when a relationship is strong and healthy, when love and friendship are alive and well, temptation doesn't even seem to exist... or perhaps it is not even noticed as a temptation because of the joy and beauty of the intimate relationship.

One very happily married man shared with me his feelings. He said that he has never been tempted because he just could not possibly hurt his wife and he has no desire for someone other than the woman he married whom he loves and adores. While others may have seen temptation all around him, because of this man's love and commitment to his wife he just had no interest in someone else.

However, when relationships are weak they become vulnerable and susceptible to outside influences and temptation.

If you want to keep your relationship free from the fungus and parasites of temptation, make and keep your marriage strong and healthy. Work to bring it alive. Decide to care for it, to strengthen it, to nourish it so it will be strong enough no fungus or parasites can possibly move in and destroy it!

Never have an Affair!

2007-10-28T13:47:00.000-05:00

My friend, Mark, brilliant author of one of my favorite blogs, "The Naked Soul, writes an article every married person must read.

Affairs of the Ego!

Mark writes....

"It is easy for a long-term relationship to become vulnerable to the possibility of an extramarital affair. Long-term relationships become vulnerable because in a long-term relationship a couple is sharing all aspects of daily life."

And...

"Many times a person isn’t looking for an affair, the affair finds them. Our ego loves to be stroked, it feels great to be found attractive by someone else. It feels great when someone appears to really listen to you. You feel like that person gets you! It’s often the case that the person wasn’t seeking to have an affair, however because they are vulnerable, often unknowing vulnerable, all of sudden they allow themselves to get sucked into something that they never thought they would. In most cases the affair and the marriage/long term relationship will begin to unravel and in the end everyone loses, the long-term mate, the lover, the children, the person having the affair. An affair is a lose-lose proposition."

Mark continues and gives ten great tips to affair proof your relationship!

I thank Mark for this excellent article and highly encourage everyone to read it!

You can read Mark's full article, Affairs of the Ego here.

You can read my article "Stay Away From Married Men, to which Mark refers here.

You can read, What to do if you are in love with someone else, here.

You can read an article on How to make sure YOU never have an affair, here.

Broken heart artwork, by the amazing, Kathy Canfield Sheperd.

The Best Advice on Marriage

2007-10-25T13:32:00.000-05:00

What is the very best advice for creating a strong, healthy, and loving intimate relationship?

The question has been researched, discussed, debated, and still, many wonder!

How do you create a strong marriage?

I've asked the question over and over to those I feel are the real "experts." Those whose successful, (over twenty years together), marriages are happy, enjoyable, and brimming with joy!

While not scientifically proven, here is twenty-five bits of advice that may be helpful, from those who really know!

1. Decide you will not get a divorce.

2. Start over each day determined to make your marriage great!

3. Forgive, forgive, forgive.

4. Remember no one is perfect.

5. Honesty is at the foundation of a good relationship.

6. Work on your own problems and shortcomings.

7. Never give up.

8. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence... in fact there may be no grass.

9. Refuse to give in to temptation, and don't let yourself get distracted from what is truly important in life.

10. Try to improve yourself every day and be the best you can be.

11. Make sure you always express your love and appreciation.

12. A marriage is not 50/50... it is 100/100.

13. Each time you get through a problem you become stronger.

14. Have a good attitude, be positive, and get over yourself.

15. You can't be selfish and have a fantastic marriage.

16. Do everything you can with everything you have to make it work.

17. Remember the little things make the difference.

18. It is not easy and requires a lot of work.

19. The happier you are with yourself, the more you bring to the marriage.

20. Get help if you need it!

21. Love your spouse with all your heart and keep up the romance.

22. Discuss, share, talk, converse and listen....communication is essential!

23. Remind yourself of your promise to love and honor each other.

24. Put your relationship above all others.

25. Help each other, comfort each other, love each other.

What would you add?

My personal advice for today is....

"soul mates are created, not found!"

If you had to give advice to a newly married couple today, what advice would you give them?

What advice do you wish you had going into your marriage?

How to Listen... Really Listen

2007-10-18T17:10:00.000-05:00

Nearly everyone in a committed relationship has heard the experts talk about the need to listen to their spouses.

What is less commonly heard is HOW exactly this is done.

There is truly an art to listening... it takes practice, attention, and deep care to become a skilled, and gifted listener.

Few people have ever had a course in listen so here is a brief overview of ten things anyone can do to improve their listening skills.

1. Stop talking. If you are going to listen then it means you must stop your mouth and open your ears. Release the need to talk, retort, or even comment as you allow another to speak.

2. Don't be thinking of how to reply. If you are formulation a response in your mind as another is speaking then you are not listening... you are thinking of a response. Listening requires taking in information from another which means the mind must be open to hear.

3. Turn off the tech. This should be obvious but it is amazing how often a couple is trying to talk while multitasking... texting, cell phone interruptions, or even on the computer.

4. Create a time for discussion. In the ideal world we would have plenty of free moments to have deep and heartfelt discussions. In the real world however we are often busy with work, activities, commitments, and all sorts of events that require our attention. For a deep conversation, or a healthy discussion, try finding a time where attention can be free from distractions. Even if only for five minutes, and even if the time needs to be scheduled and planned for.

5. Do not give advice. This is a difficult suggestion for a lot of people. We are a society that likes to solve problems and get on with things. But sometimes in our hurry to have everything just right, we do not take the time to listen to what is at the heart of the expression. Listening doesn't mean it is your job to solve the problem. It means you are a person there to receive the words and thoughts of another.

6. If you do not understand, ask questions. There is a big difference between hearing and understanding. If you do not comprehend a point, ask. If you do not feel you are grasping what is being said, be honest and open as you continue to open yourself to more understanding.

7. Be a reflective listener. This is a term that is often used to describe the technique of repeating back what you heard to make sure you are hearing correctly what is being conveyed. It can be restating what you think you heard, or delving into what you think is at the heart of the issue. Be respectful and honest as you demonstrate what you believe is the message you are meant to hear.

8. Have appropriate body language. This is not just a tactic to pretend you are listening. It is a way to create a listening posture for yourself while acknowledging you are listening to the one talking. Make appropriate eye contact, lean toward the one to whom you are listening, don't allow yourself to be distracted by other things in the room,

9. Listen for the important ideas. Do not judge grammar, phrasing, or get caught up in wording. Notice the theme, the message that is being conveyed. Focus on what is being stated with passion and emotion.

10. Listen with your heart. Go beyond you ears and allow your spirit to open and let in, not only the words but the feelings and emotions, and very essence behind the words.

Again, it takes practice to become a fabulous listener... why not start practicing today?

Even the very first "session" of truly listening may be an invaluable gift to your spouse.

Seeking for Love

2007-10-16T08:22:00.000-05:00

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

~Rumi

Sometimes, when a couple is experiencing difficulties and the love seems to be absent, they look for what is missing in their spouse.

A man may seek for love from someone other than his partner, hoping to replace what is missing in the relationship, falsely assuming there is someone "out there," better for him.

Or a woman may decide that her husband is no longer the right person, or he isn't emotionally available, or he no longer expresses appreciation or affection.

In other words, the problem is "out there," in the other person.

Yet, as Rumi suggests, seeking love may not be the correct response to a troubled relationship.

Perhaps a better solution lies in looking inside and seeing what it is that is preventing love from existing.

What are the barriers within that are limiting the blossoming of intimacy and care?

More often than not, as each person looks inside, and discovers or uncovers their own limitations and defenses, the relationship can heal and love can be restored.

Successful Marriage, Mario Andretti, and Accomplishing your Goals

2007-10-10T17:52:00.000-05:00

“Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek.”

~Mario Andretti

While Andretti was sharing his thoughts on success and goals from the perspective of a successful race car driver, I found this quote quite appropriate for those who have the goal of a successful marriage.

For a happy relationship, you must have a desire for a healthy and fulfilling marriage but this is not enough.

Determination and commitment, an unrelenting pursuit, and a commitment to excellence must accompany the desire.

A successful marriage demands an attitude of never giving up. It requires doing the work necessary, and a promise of dedication to create a beautiful and meaningful partnership!

What any happy couple will tell you, is that marriage didn't come by accident nor did it just magically appear! Not at all!

Achieving the goal of creating a strong and fabulous marriage may be even more difficult than winning the Indianapolis 500!

A successful marriage requires a life of work, dedication, and commitment mixed with all the love one can muster!

The More Trust the Better the Relationship

2007-10-07T16:25:00.000-05:00

I've recently been exploring the relationship between trust and peace and posted my thoughts on my Goodness Graciousness blog.

As I was doing some research and pondering various ideas concerning the correlation between trust and peace, the thought occurred to me that I can extrapolate my observations on peace in general to various dynamics in intimate relationships.

To summarize, generally, the more trust; the more peace.

Moving specifically to our loving relationships it seems also true that the more we trust our partner, the more we get along, in other words, the more trust, the more peace and joy in our marriages.

How many arguments, challenges, and frustrations come from lack of trust? How many problems would be eliminated if deep trust filled the relationship?

What would a relationship feel like if both partners felt absolute, complete trust in the other? Not a little trust, but a knowing that they can completely depend on their partner in appropriate and healthy ways?

I suggest that the more a couple trusts their partners, the healthier the relationship.

In addition, the more trust, the fewer challenges in the marriage.

How do we create trust in a relationship?

By living trustworthy lives; by living with honesty and integrity! And by trusting our partners as they too live with utmost honesty and integrity.

The more we see trustworthy behavior in our partner, the more the trust. Similarly, the more we each exhibit trustworthy behavior, the more our spouse can trust us. The trust is built as we live trustworthy lives.

Reciprocal trust brings the fullest potential for a healthy and happy relationship.

Why might one not trust one's partner?

Trust is diminished or absent in relationships for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps one or both partners have have given reason to not be trusted, or conversely maybe no reason to be trusted.

Humankind has developed an alertness for dishonesty or pretense that has assisted survival. Certainly the more one is alerted to lying or deception the better one is able to function and protect oneself and one's offspring. No question about this. Yet do we ever really look at ourselves to analyze how trustworthy we are?

Can your spouse relax knowing that you are totally faithful? Are there doubts lingering or hidden inside? Are you honest in all your dealings? Is your integrity clear and unchallenged? Can your spouse find peace knowing you are 100% committed and dedicated to the relationship?

Notice the ways that you may show you are trustworthy with your partners heart and love. Notice what helps you build trust in your partner. Become aware of what you do to increase or decrease trust in your relationship. Does your behavior promote feelings of trust in your partner or does it give a sense of worry and fear?

If you want to increase the peace in your relationship, if you want to reduce the struggles and difficulties, try to increase your trustworthiness in every aspect of your life.

The more trust is felt, the stronger the relationship!

Marriage, Equality, and Harmony

2007-10-02T20:20:00.000-05:00

"Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal."

~Louis K. Anspacher

The Art of Apology

2007-09-30T21:01:00.000-05:00

There are those times when we know we must apologize!

It is not always easy and we often resist, even ignore that little voice that tells us that we were wrong and need to make amends.

For those who need a little help when it comes to apologizing, I want to share an excellent article on the Art of Apologizing, written by my friend, Simone, writer extraordinaire of, Outfit Inspirations.

I encourage anyone hoping to improve their apologizing skills to visit her fabulous site!

Who Gets the Last Word?

2007-09-29T17:27:00.000-05:00

When two people disagree, who gets the last word?

At times many couples feel tension and even anger and frustration as they fight and argue over a particular choice or decision. When both partners feel passionately about their particular viewpoint or perspective, it can certainly cause contention in the home.

Some cultures and religious traditions assert that the husband is the head of the home, and the wife must submit to his decisions, while others find a partnership of equality more appropriate and healthy. In both situations however, conflict and disharmony can manifest as one must relinquish their opinion or choice for the other.

How do you solve the problem?

Following, are three ideas to help with those difficult times when a couple is at an impasse.

1. First, if one partner or the other feels particularly strong, and has more investment in the situation or decision, they should be the one to make the decision.

2. If it is truly impossible for a couple to decide which partner gets to make the decision, then the idea of taking turns is very appropriate. Whenever there is an impasse, the decision maker is changed, alternating between the couple. While this may seem elementary, it often takes the sting out of the frustration allowing a resolution without bitterness.

3. Most importantly, a couple should always remember what is really important in life and keep the long term perspective in mind. The little daily conflicts that may arise are truly insignificant when one looks back in thirty years. It is essential to keep in mind the importance of the relationship and not let it dissolve or deteriorate due to trivial challenges.

If love is more important than who takes out the trash, if the relationship is more important than where the next vacation will be, and if one's spouse is more important than what color the living room will be painted, the marriage will remain strong in spite of the little conflicts and challenges along the way!

Art by Renoir

Restoring Intimacy

2007-09-26T15:27:00.000-05:00

A frequent question asked to marriage counselors is, "Can intimacy be restored?"

The answer is a clear and definite yes!

No question about it... if a couple has gotten in a rut, lost the emotional connection, or found themselves growing apart, healing is possible and intimacy, sexual and emotional, can indeed be restored.

Which brings us to the next question... HOW can intimacy be restored?

First lets look at what is intimacy.

Intimacy is defined as:

"A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group."

In addition, for purposes of this discussion we will add, "an emotional and sexual closeness."

What we need to realize is that intimacy is deeply connecting with another and we find this experience as we share ourselves with another.

Let me restate this... if we want to enjoy intimacy with another, it requires we share ourselves. It requires opening ourselves, disclosing ourselves, and sharing our deepest self with our beloved. It also requires accepting, listening, and embracing another as she or he opens and shares him or herself.

Too often a couple thinks that intimacy, sexual and emotional, just happens because two people live together or are married. Not so!

Two important points to consider.

1. Emotional intimacy requires the sharing of oneself with another, and embracing the other as they share themselves.

2. True sexual intimacy follows emotional intimacy.

A frequent complaint from men is that their wives may not feel sexual. Often, a man may forget that, particularly for women, sexual desire is a result of emotional intimacy. For many women sex is not pleasurable without the emotional connection.

Conversely, women may complain that sex has become a duty, obligation, or an act to get though rather than enjoy. They too may forget that their sexual desire often comes with an emotional connection which may be lacking in the relationship.

So, how does one restore intimacy?

By doing everything possible to rekindle, reunite, and reinvest in the relationship.

This site is filled with specific ideas and research but let me briefly share ten general suggestions.

1. Invest your time and energy in the relationship; make it a priority

2. Find common activities, hobbies, and interests

3. Communicate and share your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly

4. Remind yourself you can only change yourself

5. Bring play and fun into the partnership

6. Look for, remember, and openly share the great things about your beloved

7. Bring romance back into the marriage

8. Create a peaceful and relaxing home and environment, and a bedroom conducive to love making.

9. Bring your best self to the relationship

10. Demonstrate your love, care, and concern for your beloved

If you are in need of more clear and specific ideas I invite you to read additional articles on this site.

Further, many couples find counseling beneficial so individual concerns can be addressed and I highly recommend this.

Important to remember, many couples find themselves in a relationship rut, where intimacy feels absent or diminished.

It can be restored.

Through work, dedication, and love that emotional connection can reemerge.

Beautiful painting by Eng Tay

Marriage.... it is Easy if you Work Hard!

2007-09-25T13:43:00.000-05:00

Often after a harp performance, I have people ask me if playing the harp is difficult.

After studying the harp for most of my life, after spending thousands of hours practicing, after investing much of my time working, playing comes fairly easy to me. Only because I worked hard over the years.

Similarly, we may ask a couple who is happily married for many decades if marriage is hard. They may also reply, "it is easy if you work hard."

What seems clear in life is that success doesn't come without the required work. In fact, I can't think of anything that is worth cherishing that has not come with the investment, energy, or work to bring it forth.

And, I have yet to hear of a successful couple who could claim the the road to their happiness was not forged with work.

Those couples who enjoy a beautiful relationship have put in the time, the dedication, the effort to create the joy that they experience. A great marriage doesn't just happen... it is developed, created, and designed through care, attention, commitment, love, and all the other necessary ingredients.

When a relationship is less than healthy and strong, rather than giving up, or thinking that the marriage is not working, remembering that a successful marriage comes from working through the challenges.

It takes practice.... lots and lots of practice!

Harp image from Pemberly Ladies

How Committed are You?

2007-09-20T16:31:00.001-05:00

If there is one thing in common with successful marriages, it is that the couples decided they would do whatever they could to keep the marriage alive and healthy.

Put another way, these couples decided they would make a successful and happy marriage a priority in life!

Research has found that couples who are deeply committed are more likely to remain together than those who view marriage as temporary, or who feel comfortable ending the relationship if it is no longer fulfilling.

What we know is that if marriage is viewed as something that can end if it is not happy, the couple is less likely to do the work to make their marriage a success.

In other words, these couples decided that rather than divorce when things got tough, they would find a way to move beyond the problems; to overcome the challenges.

So, the question is... how committed are you?

Some questions to ask yourself....

Do you spend more time on the internet with strangers than you do your spouse?

Do you spend more time with co-workers than your partner?

Is your job, volunteer work, yard, sporting event, household projects, or any other pass time more important than your relationship?

How much time do you invest in making your marriage successful compared to the time you invest in watching television?

Does your spouse know by your actions that he or she is valued more than your job or the latest video game?

Is it clear by your actions and behaviors and energy investment that your relationship is a top priority in your life?

If your marriage is struggling, it may be a good idea to recommit and reevaluate your priorities.

If your marriage is dull, boring, and in a rut, you may find that by recommitting and investing more into your relationship, that spark can rekindle and your relationship can come alive again!

How committed are you?

Resting on the Same Pillow

2007-09-19T19:26:00.000-05:00

"What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow."

~Nathaniel Hawthorne

The Bedroom - No Tech Zone

2007-09-16T07:22:00.000-05:00

Lap tops in bed, PDAs beeping on the nightstand, huge TVs over the dresser showing the latest football game, cell phones ringing on the armoire, all add up to a bedroom looking like a cross between a sports bar and a work station!

We don't need a neurophychologist or sex therapist to tell us that this techie environment in the bedroom is not exactly harmonious with a good night's sleep, let alone romance or intimacy.

There are those whose keep their equipment near their bed so before even arising in the morning, they can check their messages, learn what happened over night, and get an update on their My space account.

And before going to bed, their wide screen TVs have broadcast the latest depressing news of the world into their brains insuring the night will be restless.

We love technology! We do. No question about it.

But, one must wonder if there needs to be some guidelines or boundaries before we forget what it means to be human.

Perhaps finding a balance between tech and real life is appropriate.

Why not use tech for the great improvements in life but release it when it interferes or harms us?

If our technology is getting in the way of a restful night's sleep, a fresh and vibrant morning, and enjoyable evening conversations with family, maybe we need to reevaluate our tech environment.

And, if tech is getting in the way of romance, intimacy, sexuality, and love, we certainly need to make some changes!

Thinking about Divorce.....

2007-09-07T14:58:00.001-05:00

Over the past few weeks I have heard of four acquaintances contemplating divorce.

For all of them, and many others with a relationship crisis, similar questions arise...

How does one know when enough is enough?

Is there any hope?

Is life going to be better as a single person?

Will I find someone better?

Must I remain in an unhappy relationship?

The questions are many, and the answers are not easy.

I have said it before and I will say it again, if two people are willing to do the work to make the marriage alive and vibrant, there is hope. If however two people are NOT willing to make some changes and invest the time and energy into creating a healthy partnership, the relationship often dies.

Let me answer a few simple questions ...

After divorce, some people do go on to find a more compatible companion. Others do not.

After divorce, some people do have a second marriage that is more successful. About 60% of remarriages end in divorce.

After a divorce, you will create your life in whatever way you choose to, just as in your marriage.

Divorce and a new partner do not mean you will no longer have YOUR issues.

Making major life changes often means changing the challenges, not eliminating them.

The grass is often not greener on the other side of the fence.

Some people are more happy after ending their marriage, others regret their decision.

Some couples manage to remain respectful and civil after a divorce, others do not.

In sum, one cannot know exactly how life will play out after a divorce. Divorce is filled with the unknown.

What is known however, is that you take with you, who and what you are into the next relationship, or into your single life. If you are bossy, irritable, angry, or whiny, chances are you will still be bossy, irritable, angry, or whiny even after the divorce. You may let go of the other person's less desirable traits in divorce but you are left with your own.

What is also known is that relationships take work, effort, and energy. Another partner doesn't mean that a fabulous relationship will blossom on its own. Regardless of the partner, a healthy marriage or partnership requires constant investment and effort!

At times, people want to find a new partner thinking another person will make life easier, happier, or more fulfilling. The truth is, looking for someone else to make your life better is not always the best motivation for a new partner.

If however, your life is filled with abuse, harm, danger, or unworkable, unmanageable situations, divorce may be the only way to have a healthy life.

If you are contemplating divorce, take some time to reflect on your motivation. What is at the core of wanting a divorce?

Rather than focus on how much better someone else would be as a partner, or fantasizing about a new romance, look at the reasons you are wanting out of the marriage.

Be honest with yourself.

For more on when to get a divorce.

Weeding the Garden and Your Relationship

2007-09-06T10:33:00.001-05:00

Before I left for vacation, my garden was perfectly weeded. Not a weed in sight!

When I returned home nine days later, the weeds were everywhere, some as tall as the flowers.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly a little, microscopic seed can grow into a huge weed, almost overnight.

How does one keep a beautiful garden without weeds? By diligently removing any little weeds when they first show up.

In any garden, the weeds will come, the difference between a weed free garden and a garden overtaken with weeds is that the weeds are pulled before they become ugly and problematic.

So too in relationships.

Those little weeds will come; maybe they take the form of nagging, frustration, disrespect, blaming, or irritation. Maybe they show themselves as complaining, ignoring, or picking.

What sorts of weeds are cluttering up your relationship?

However they show up, they need to be pulled. They need to be taken out and thrown away.

We do this by addressing the problem and dealing with it. Maybe it means an apology. Maybe it means some changes must be made. Maybe it means some discussion and compromise is in order.

The smaller the weed, the easier it is to remove. Those weeds that have been around for a while may take some serious work to eliminate. But for a healthy relationship, like a garden the more weed free the better!

What we do know is that weeds, left untended do not just go away. They grow and grow and grow.

Little challenges that come up in relationships, if not addressedd, will also grow and grow and grow!

Pull out the weeds!

Loneliness and Isolation? Or Anger and Conflict?

2007-09-03T20:20:00.001-05:00

We often think of a couple having difficulties in the relationship due to fighting, anger, and conflict.

Yet, more often a couple separates because of feelings of isolation and loneliness.

While obviously, a relationship is not healthy if there is unresolved anger, nasty fighting, and continuous conflict, it may be the case that feelings of lack of companionship, connection, intimacy, and estrangement are the more powerful challenges that create a desire to end the partnership or marriage.

What does this mean for a marriage?

It means that even if the relationship is going along somewhat smoothly, without that intimate connection between a couple the marriage may not be satisfying.

It also means that those who desire intimacy and connection, and who are not getting this in their marriage, may look elsewhere to satisfy this very basic human need.

It seems that there is a very deep longing for intimacy, (emotional and physical, as well as sexual), and the craving, if not satisfied in a relationship may not be strong enough to hold a couple together.

Even if the marriage is not ended, feelings of loneliness and isolation may create a chasm in the relationship that keeps a relationship from thriving.

If a couple is no longer feeling that connectedness and intimacy that may have once been a part of their partnership, it is beneficial to spend time deliberately moving toward companionship and friendship; investing in activities and behaviors that bring the marriage to a place where each spouse is feeling loved and cared for.