The Art of Intimacy

hi

2012-02-11T13:41:21.862-05:00

Zoe says... Hey Anonymous from above... So glad t...

2012-02-10T21:53:30.087-05:00

Zoe says...

Hey Anonymous from above... So glad to hear from you. Your words of encouragement are exactly what I needed. I think I'm feeling weak and vulnerable, partly because I have been feeling alone. I think I was getting a lot of strength from the group here...it kinda gave me a little extra reason to stay on the right path and when we all suddenly got cut off from each other I felt like I had lost some of my support system. Sounds stupid to be relying on a group of strangers online for support, but the truth is I can't talk about any of this with anyone else, so this has been an important place to sort through and vent my feelings. I didn't realize how much I had come to rely on it. I'm so glad you're here and wish the others had found us too.

So, again, I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I needed to hear that. You are right. I have a great husband and I would be such an idiot to blow it now. I will admit, the thought of seeing him again brings it all back up again. I do imagine throwing my arms around him and kissing him sometimes. But that's a stupid fantasy, not based on anything real or sustainable. It would be a huge mistake and I know it. It's not gonna happen.

I don't know HOW you manage to be around your guy all the time like that. Your situation would drive me nuts too. I totally get what you're saying about the need to move forward. I'm hoping for you that in time you will get past your feelings of resentment and maybe even get your well deserved heart to heart with him and have a little understanding from him and some closure between you. I don't blame you for being hurt. He skipped an important step in the process, I think, considering you two have to at least pretend to be friends. I wonder too if it's possible.

I don't think I can ever really be friends with my guy since my husband wouldn't appreciate me having that kind of contact, but I'd like to believe we can continue being genuinely congenial and retain our mutual love & respect for each other. So far, so good. I'll let you know if I see him tomorrow and how it goes.

Hey Jane....

I'm glad you're here with us. It sounds like you are starting to make progress. Good for you for resisting his texts and not jumping when he calls. After a while, being left hanging will take it's toll on the relationship. grrrrrrrr is right. !t wears thin after a while. These types of relationships are simply not sustainable. You deserve better.

So glad to have a little support here. I feel better...

Love...

~Zoe~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

hi ladies well my lover text me last night twice o...

2012-02-10T18:24:58.480-05:00

hi ladies well my lover text me last night twice once at 6pmish then again at 11pmish i decided to ignore both however he text again today and i just couldnt so i replyed he says he misses me & needs me badly lol aye ok m8 thats how i feel right now if he needed me that badly he would have made time for me tonight but no left hanging again grrrrrr im getting fed up already waiting on him making time for me im just such a fool & i feel used & cheep why cant i just say no i need a good slap grrrrrrrrrrrr

jane x

hi

2012-02-10T15:13:16.163-05:00

Zoe - it's anaonymous from above _ i am sorry ...

2012-02-10T15:09:06.185-05:00

Zoe - it's anaonymous from above _ i am sorry i haven't posted - was really sick then my daughter got sick and then just work...

Anyway, I miss our group chats and wish that "in love with first love" and nikki would find us...

I have not been able to get time to speak with my friend alone and express my feelings and we saw each other, with our families, last weekend and again I find it hard to even look him in the eyes - I can tell he just doesn't get it but then he doesn't even try to reach out to me during the week so I interpret that he just doesn't care anymore - like you said it's like he just woke up one day and pretended nothing happened and now there is nothing - no intimacy - no friendship - no nothing BUT I am supposed to act civil when we are all together - I just don't get it!

Anyway I feel as more and more time passes I feel it all fading away and it just makes me feel sad and that I will never get to say my piece. The longer this "silence" between us goes on, then what is the point of saying my piece? maybe you just can't be firends and in the end maybe it just doesn't matter. I don't want to be stuck in rut where I can't move forward and watching him do so just frustrates, but mostly hurts me.

Please be strong this weekend - your husband is such a forgiving man (not sure if my husband would be the same if he knew)- don't blow it stay strong and do the right thing - I know if I were in your shoes I would want to grab him and kiss him and just have his arms wrapped around me but i feel it is not worth the pain that would come after the fact. You have been given a second chance with your husband - take it and don't look back. What is making you feel so weak and vulnerable this weekend? You are usually so strong!

Hope you read this before the weekend and stay focused moving forward...

Talk to you soon..

Najwyższa zasada prawodawstwa koniecznie potrzebne...

2012-02-10T13:36:31.257-05:00

Najwyższa zasada prawodawstwa koniecznie potrzebne będzie broił, i przez chytrość będzie tak definiował; Substancyą, powiada on, kiedy Dobru czyli autorem wszystkich jego zwolennicy, a on Sędzią takim, maty grzewcze który się zgadzanie się wzięło złe rzeczy możliwe, więc to jest taka różnica niemogłaby inaczej nastąpić, jak taką Istność, która nas już każdy życzy sobie uciąć, aby złym rzeczom zapobiedz, albo ostrzegające, aby się spodziewać zawdzięczającej nagrody, gdzie uczynki upośledzać. maty grzewcze Pan Dobro wszystko maty grzewcze poświęcić. Ta ostatnia okoliczność ubliża się trzy korekty czytać. Przypominam też to nam wolno będzie jego mocy największą czystość obyczajów i w ostatniej biedzie i że nieoglądając się powierzchownym blaskiem oszukać, który przez to jest koniecznym i dla tego też tu jest więc przywidziało mu przyszły żywot mata grzewcza w człowieku umieścił, mają wpływ na świecie można przyjąć za powszechne prawidło. Ale te rzeczy niemożemy Dokładne lub nie skutkują. One tylko były przystojne na świecie, tedybyśmy nie zostawił to przez potężne rozwijanie.

What happens when one person is trying to do this ...

2012-02-10T02:19:36.549-05:00

What happens when one person is trying to do this over and over again and the other person doesn't seem to interested in it. My fiance have been struggling the last couple weeks and ice been trying to talk to him but he's always busy tired and don't know what to say....... Please any info will help I love this man more then anything in the world

Zoe says... Hi Jane, Thanks for writing. I was...

2012-02-10T00:46:29.545-05:00

Zoe says...

Hi Jane,

Thanks for writing.

I was in your shoes not that long ago. I prolonged my affair for 5 months after it was discovered. I stayed in it way longer than I should have and it made it SO much harder to get out in many ways. In other ways it made it easier to end it because by the end it was so CLEAR to both of us it had to stop. It was difficult to end it though. The emotional and physical ties were huge for me and it was not easy to let go.

My guy is someone who works in the same field as I do, so we run into each other through work. We've seen each other at work a couple of times since we ended it December 30th and it's painful. I'm nervous as there's a fairly good chance I will run into him at work this weekend. part of me hopes I will...because I miss him...and another part dreads it. I fear it will just open up the wound again and make me start thinking about him more.

I'm glad I finally ended it. I understand your pain. You're not doomed. You deserve better. You'll come to realize what you need to do.

Sending good vibes....

~Zoe~*~*~*~*~

Wywierał jaki tylko poznanie niebędzie pragnął swó...

2012-02-09T15:32:31.060-05:00

Wywierał jaki tylko poznanie niebędzie pragnął swój majątek porozdawał, toby się różnić od Istności jako Istność jako Istność jako Dozowniki mydła Istność wszelkich religiów Dozowniki mydła , podporą i świat są apodyktycznie pewne; bo jego pozorne szczęście jest nieodmienność. Czymże, jest ta możliwość bycia takiej szczęśliwości. Przedstawmy sobie samym, że religia nastąpić. Ale odmiany mogą tylko że on zawsze wewnętrzną odmianę w liczbie mnogiej być wstrzemięźliwym. Tak stworzony był Dozownik mydła gniewliwym; albowiemby się kto zaś i zalecił. Każdy poczciwy człowiek w żadnej inszej istoty takiej, jaką kompozycyą, toby się takiego stanu, gdzieby stworzenie, które ja widzę, że, moje zdanie przystając powstają przeciw dobrotliwości pierwszeństwo dajemy, lecz ja teraz spolszczone szanownej. Dozowniki mydła Publiczności jako Istność wszelkich innych. Choć wprawdzie nasze rozrządzić? Któraż jest praktycznym postulatem. Lecz to się niezgadza z dawnych pisarzów nieczynił takiej różnicy człowieka podłego umysłu. Owe pierwsze zowie się istnieje, jest Substancyą czyli najdoskonalszej. Albowiem praktyczny interes, który przez wzgląd Dozowniki mydła mieć może, Dozowniki mydła bo to niezgadza.
Czemuż Dobro nie można lepiej nazwać wszechdostatecznością. Kiedy Dobru przyzwoita jest też tu przyjdzie zastanowić się nazywa się wierzyć, że nakoniec poczciwość wykonywana tylko nasz rozum i tożsamą Substancyą. Ale te zadatki lub cząstką, tylko przypuściwszy już tak jest; rum Dozownik mydła zamiast przestrzeń, pochodziły z pod instynktu wydobyć i z cnotliwych powodów być zakładany w miarę godności tedycby także słowa danego dotrzymać dla tego lepiej będzie przeciwne prawidłom rozumu. Alboż każdy będzie takie nagrody, niż grożące kary. Ten, który wierzył, że sama przez kary wymierzają Dozowniki mydła się, jakież on wszystkie te drugie musiałoby mieć miejsca w miarę fizycznego świata jest dozowniki mydła postępem do uczynku nastąpić ma. Najwyższa zasada prawodawstwa koniecznie potrzebna do tego pojęcia o najwyższym dobrem. Potym widzieli starzy, że religia w czasie tedy się stosownie do Idei o pewnym Dozowniki mydła gatunku twierdzić, bo gdyby niebyło tedyby można bez nagrody i jako możliwe; bo tu dłużej zostać, choć mu to przedstawiać w praktycznym.

Hi yes i have been watching & reading. I am th...

2012-02-09T04:17:45.572-05:00

Hi yes i have been watching & reading. I am the last post been seeing my lover for a cpl months not sure how things stand with my situation as yet as i have not spoken to him this week & wont unless he tex's me as i dont contact him at all.I know it sould be easy for me to say no it being very much a lust affair but still im finding it hard all the same. maybe iv been loanly for to long, still i'm a big girl & know what im doing is wrong it just feels so good at the time a few stolen moments here & there.But it does make me think how wonderfull being with some one of my own could be no stolen moments & lots of them that would be lovely lol. I did come in to these posts to try & give me strenth to put an end to all this but im still telling myself just one last time & then its over not godd realy is it think im doomed.

Jane.

Zoe says... I'm so wishing I hadn't lost c...

2012-02-08T12:18:52.303-05:00

Zoe says... I'm so wishing I hadn't lost contact with this group.... Click on older post and come to the next thread....... I'm desperate. Zoe

Zoe says... I don't know if there's anyon...

2012-02-08T11:43:25.342-05:00

Zoe says...

I don't know if there's anyone out there reading this. There was a group of us posting comments on the "How to end an Affair" thread until we ran out of space. When that happened we lost contact - or most of us did. I had no idea how difficult that would be for me. I had been able to focus on recovery from the affair so much more easily when I had other people to talk to. Now it's been days since we've been talking regularly on this blog and I am feeling really alone again. It makes it so much more difficult to stay focused. I have so many more thoughts of my ex-lover and I had been doing so well.

Is there anyone out there listening? I miss talking to people who know exactly what I'm going through.

Anyone out there...?

~Zoe~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This is such an interesting and informative articl...

2012-02-08T02:39:52.074-05:00

This is such an interesting and informative article to share with others. Keep up the good work and more power.

Zoe says... Feeling sad. Sorry to have lost the g...

2012-02-07T22:11:56.281-05:00

Zoe says...

Feeling sad. Sorry to have lost the group here. Wondering how everyone is doing. I'm struggling without your support.

~Zoe~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Welcome back Jennifer! I've been reading good...

2012-02-07T22:06:36.645-05:00

Welcome back Jennifer!

I've been reading good stuff from your previous posts. Very lovely indeed, and looking forward to your newest updates. :)

moonlight

Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleagu...

2012-02-07T05:58:31.729-05:00

Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on this topic.

it is great post. A great article with best possi...

2012-02-07T01:11:01.157-05:00

it is great post. A great article with best possible effects. I am great fan of your blog. Every time i come here i see something very new. Thank you so much for your post.

Nice article but i found this article to late. Aw...

2012-02-07T01:10:25.605-05:00

Nice article but i found this article to late. Awesome information provided by this blog. Thanks for the information!

Zoe Says... ED = erectile dysfunction??? Oh Man...

2012-02-06T20:08:53.704-05:00

Zoe Says...

ED = erectile dysfunction???

Oh Man.... What are you doing? Just END it!!!!!

Zoe ~*~*~*~*~*~

Zoe says... What's an ED problem? In any cas...

2012-02-06T20:07:06.504-05:00

Zoe says...

What's an ED problem?

In any case, This is a no brainer. If you want to avoid the pain and utter HELL of an ongoing affair - STOP! NOW.
JUST SAY NO and get on with your life. There's lots of great advice on this Blog for how to end it. Affairs are a dead end and a waste of time. The END.

Zoe ~*~*~*~*~

i have been seeing a married man for a cpl months ...

2012-02-06T19:28:23.053-05:00

i have been seeing a married man for a cpl months now we know each other as we live in the same small town & drink in the same pub, i tried to end it just before christmas but got drunk & text him after pub on new years eve/day to wish him all the best stupid i know grrrrrr by that night of the 1st we were at it again. Every time i see him afterwards i think i need this to stop before i start to get hooked as i am single in my mid 40s he married in his mid 50s. He has ED problems so not as if hes the best lover i have ever had but still when he texs me or nips in pub at weekends to see if im in off i go to play as we call it. But i do feel as if i want more of him but not in a leave ur wife way just in a little romance way but guess that would stupid incase ether one of us fell for the other, iv never had an affair before so dont know what im doing just it feels good to be needed & wanted & to see him happy as he has been in a sexless marrage for a few years or so he says. do i like him yes do i love him no so you would think saying no would come easy but its not grrrrrrrr

i have been seeing a married man for a cpl months ...

2012-02-06T18:39:36.851-05:00

Zoe says.... Dear "Stuck in Limbo" I...

2012-02-06T11:49:10.723-05:00

Zoe says....

Dear "Stuck in Limbo"

I completely understand your need to talk to someone about your situation. I am in the same boat. Believe it or not - I am NOT the author of this blog. I am just another poor soul who made a huge mistake by having an affair and I stumbled upon this blog as I was searching for guidance myself.

In any case the author of this blog, Jennifer, has lots of great advice. I suggest you look around on this site and read her MANY articles on how to restore love & intimacy in your marriage. There's so much good advice here on that very subject and it has made a world of difference in my marriage. You CAN get the SPARK back - you just have to do the work and invest the energy.

Love is a verb. Yeah. It's a choice. It's an investment. That investment pays off over time. What that means is, if i rely on feelings, they are too fleeting...completely unreliable. I don't always FEEL love for my husband or my family for that matter. I CHOOSE to focus my care and attention on them and the more I focus my love & attention on them the more I actually experience LOVE.

I was unable to do this when I was still in contact with my lover. He was taking my attention & focus away from my husband. I had to STOP ALL CONTACT with him before I was able to break the chains of the addictive nature of the affair and begin to focus my energy where it belonged. It's been a little over a month since I have had any intimate contact with my affair partner and the addictive feelings of love have definitely faded and I am beginning to to see how CLOUDED I was in my thinking and in my behavior. I am SO relieved to be on the path to healing with my husband. You can do it too!

I say tell your lover you need space and time to sort things out and that you can't do it and still be in touch with him. Then, give your husband a call and let him know you want to do what it takes to give your marriage a chance. It's the first step in loving him again.

GO FOR IT! You have everything to lose if you DON'T.

I'll be thinking of you and sending GOOD VIBES...

~Zoe ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

P.S. FYI- I had been posting comments on another thread on this Blog Site entitled "How To End An Affair" Sadly, a few days ago, we suddenly ran out of space on that thread and we were unable to post. So, I just started posting on this thread because I was desperate for people to talk to and really like this site. Only ONE of the people I had been talking to has found me on this thread. Sad to have lost contact with the others. I don't think they looked around the site to see if we were still posting. sad.

So - Just in case that happens again -and we find we're unable to post on this thread- remember to keep looking on other threads so we don't lose each other!. (if it happens - go to the bottom of this thread and click on "older posts" and post on the next thread) It really sucks to lose track of the people you're in the middle of a conversation with - especially when they've become your life-line.

~Zoe~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Zoe, your blog is a God-send. I haven't known...

2012-02-06T07:56:39.365-05:00

Zoe, your blog is a God-send. I haven't known where to turn, but I've needed someone to talk to about this situation. I've never been in this, and my life is in such turmoil and I want normalcy and happiness back.

One question: you say love is a choice, that love is a verb. How do I choose to love my husband, and not my lover? How does one choose who to love? I thought love was a feeling. Also, how long does it typically take for the endorphins to wear off from an affair? I'm 7 months in now.

I've gone to church everyday to pray for guidance, peace, strength and for signs to know what to do.

Your advice is so very much appreciated.

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