Comments on The Art of Intimacy: Do you have a Question?

You have really imparted useful tips/ knowledge......

2012-01-30T05:29:52.565-05:00

You have really imparted useful tips/ knowledge....

Hi Jennifer, I'm 17 years old and when I was ...

2012-01-15T19:09:16.804-05:00

Hi Jennifer,

I'm 17 years old and when I was 15 I was sexually assaulted by an older boy. It just now has started to affect my everyday life. I'm sad all the time and I just never want to get out of bed. I'm addicted to cutting but I'm not suicidal. I'm just confused because I CRAVE physical contact but not in a sexual way. The thought of sexual stuff is repulsive to me...which doesn't make a lot of sense because I'm a teenager! I got a massage today (Xmas present) and I thought it would make me feel better because i want so badly to be touched, but I was anxious and panicked the entire time... please help.

I liked your article a lot. I thought it was full ...

2011-09-07T13:44:35.143-05:00

I liked your article a lot. I thought it was full of knowledge it was also quite nicely written and I am looking forward to reading some more articles wrote by you, well done.

I don't even know where to start. I've bee...

2011-06-27T00:58:41.722-05:00

I don't even know where to start. I've been married nearly 6 years - I've always been the breadwinner. I got pregnant on our honeymoon and we had a premature baby 7 months later, at that point I could not return to my job which required extremely heavy travel. I took a lower paying position after several months off caring for our child. My husband was laid-off. This seems to have set us on a path of hardship, we lost 5 pregnancies, he was laidoff another three times (he is still laid-off now nearly 3 years later), I have had some major health problems/surgeries and finally had another child. This year we filed bankruptcy (payback plan) and have been able to hang onto our home by the skin of our teeth. My husband goes to school full-time and acts as caregiver to our children 2 days per week when they are not with an in-home daycare provider. I work full-time+ outside of the home.

My husband is constantly telling me how much he does around the home and how much more time he spends with our children and caring for our children. Of a 3 level home, he keeps the main level picked up and "clean", he will not fold clothes that I've washed and does nothing to clean upstairs or downstairs. He does take care of our yard (I admit that we have a high maintenance piece of property, but that's not a year-round project).

The whole family is waiting for me to get home in the evening to prepare dinner, it's very frustrating that I walk in the door and everyone is hungry, I don't have an opportunity to change clothes or anything.

I don't discuss my day because my husband focuses on the negative and though he's "on my side", he can't move past the negative vs. the lesson to be learned or taught. He leaves for school and I typically have the kids by myself until 10:30 p.m. or so. Therefore I have had zero time for myself in the day - he spends at least a day per weekend studying outside of the home and Sunday is "family" day where we make a point to do something together - again, no ME time.

When I mention doing anything for myself, he doesn't protest too much but does make me feel guilty for him being at the house "again" with the kids.

He has been sleeping with our oldest son for the last year and a half and the baby sleeps with me, we have lost all intimacy and even anything to talk about, we do not enjoy one another's company, yet he wants to have sex. I am still waking in the night to give a bottle and I am TIRED, this person that is constantly telling me I do nothing to contribute to our home or living arrangement and is argumentative, bitter and generally uninteresting to me at this point wants to have sex...I can't stand it.

What do I do to restore any kind of relationship? We've set a date (in the next week) to resolve the sleeping situation but I'm dreading having him in the bed with me - I think that's why I've let it go on this long....HELP!!!

Hello, I am 39 and have been married for 10 years ...

2011-03-05T22:17:05.541-05:00

Hello,
I am 39 and have been married for 10 years and for the most part it's been great. 2.5 years ago my wife had an affair with a very good friend of mine. He was also married but was always after the "hunt". My wife was his target. Anyways, long story short, they were caught, it ended and we moved on and remained together. Two months ago, I found out that she is having another affair - this time she lied about it for a month and strung me along while she was "figuring" things out. After alot of discussion and searching, I uncovered the truth and she admitted to everything. This was a random guy who she met and his situation is bad - going through a separation and has 3 kids. In our discussion I also found out she had a one night stand a little over a year ago with someone from high school - for old times sake. He too was going through a separation.

So basically 3 times in the last 2.5 years. We are now separated as it's probably the best thing while she tries to figure out why. She is in therapy and many things are being uncovered. The worst thing is that she still has not broken it off with this guy who is clearly using her.
If I had to move on I'm not too worried about finding someone however I'm not looking for that right now. I don't want to cut and run however how much more can I take? What if we do get back together - will I always be worrying about this happening again? The trust has been broken and I'm not sure it's repairable. I do care for her and do not want to see her get hurt but I also have to protect myself. It's only been 2.5 months since all this transpired. I just don't know what to do.

hi, first time reader of your blog it is really go...

2010-11-28T01:41:59.184-05:00

hi, first time reader of your blog it is really good, i was wondreing if you could help or give me afvice. my husband and i have been married 2 years and going out total 10 years, living together 7 of those years, we have a 2 yr old and we always have the same arguments and find a semi solution and its all well and good for a month or so then it slowly gets back to the way it was b4. argue over money, sex ( its crap, i have only been with two guys i'm 27 and have never had an orgasm properly am finding it very streddful and have told him and he gets upset and i feel bad cause i hurt his manhood/pride or something) and drugs, he has been smoking pot since b4 we got together but over time it has started to really annoy me, I don't have a 'outlet' as such and feel traped with the child, he is a good father but every time i bring up the drug thing he gets very aggressive and says its my fault some how, i have asked my self so many times should i stay or shoul i go, i want to stay, i mean we have a house and child together and he is amazing at times, but im not happy, and he has noticed. he recently moved out but we are going to councilling and are trying, i feel good when he's not here, but its kinda funny i want him when he;s not there and when he's there i wish he would go away. can you help or suggest something PLEASE!! thanks Amanda

Well, Hopefully this gets to the right place :) I ...

2010-05-19T17:50:45.982-05:00

Well, Hopefully this gets to the right place :) I am engaged and have been having a problem with my Fiance's past relationships. Sexual and emotional. I just can't shake it. For some reason it bothers me day in and out. I feel like I was over exposed to details, either by talking about them, or discovering pictures of him with others and Ect. (non-graphic) and recently I found an old picture while cleaning of his ex naked. It is these instances that remind me and cause me to think of him with someone else. I'm just not sure what to do. I Love him SOO very much, but there is'nt a day that goes by that I don't think of the things we talked about or I have seen that have to do with his past lovers. This is my first, long term relationship. This is his 3rd.

Sorry to be a bother. I just found your blog toda...

2010-01-04T00:47:02.416-05:00

Sorry to be a bother. I just found your blog today while I was google searching about how to return the spark, and It's close but not quite what I need...

My love and I, we aren't married and we're quite young. We thought about eloping over the summer, but we recently had an argument (of sorts) over a miscommunication that touched a bad string in her past, a string so bad that she wanted to throw up and almost immediately lost all of her love for me.

We're comfortable again, but we're no longer a couple and definitely not even close to considering marriage. Even though the misunderstanding has been fixed and understood now, that spark that we've always had is gone.

One more thing.. we're a long distance couple that hasn't had the opportunity (financially, mostly) to meet face to face yet. We've known each other for years and have really grown to love and care deeply for one another - but that spark is gone. She's more of the logical type (where as I'm romantic) but it's something she needs to continue feeling comfortable with me.

I'm not sure how to renew this. She's in college, so she wants mostly fun in a relationship, not something serious tying her down - that is, not if that deep love, and passion and such is there like it used to be.

Things are almost exactly the same as they used to be, except for that spark, except for her being IN love with me, instead of just loving me.

Do you know or have any ideas as to how I could possibly fix this?

Thank you for reading, at the very least.

I've just been told by my partner of 2 years t...

2009-09-25T03:18:28.328-05:00

I've just been told by my partner of 2 years that we need a break, and as I'm the kind of person who needs to think a conflict over, I've been considering - and lots of problems stem from his lack of communication.

He told me this morning while we were talking that even when we were together, he didn't feel like I should have to know where he was, or when he'd be back.
He said to me, quite honestly, that he thought it was entirely fine to go out in the evening, tell me he'd be back for 9pm, and then turn up at 2am with no communication inbetween. As he put it, "You're not my mother, you don't need updates on where I am and what I'm doing every minute of the day".
I, toward the end of the relationship especially, would spend a lot of time waiting for him - he'd go out in the morning to a lecture, tell me that he wanted to spend time with me in the afternoon, and then just stay out all day. Not because he's seeing someone else, not because something suddenly came up, but because he wanted to feel the freedom to be able to not consider me at all.
In retrospect, looking across the relationship - he's only really ever been happy to spend time with me when it's been convenient to him. The times where he's taken a leap and sacrificed something or done something with me instead of what he wants to, he's blamed me for "making him do it" afterward - as if by wanting to spend time with him, I'm depriving him of spontaneity and his own time.

It's difficult not to say it when you're the one who's been broken up with, but it really does seem like he's been blaming me for all his own faults, and has now broken up with me because of "my problems" in accepting him wanting his own life. I've never minded him having his own life, hobbies and friends, he always could do what he wanted, when he wanted to - but I don't think it's too much to ask for him to consider me somewhere in the mix!

So, I'm not sure if it's already been talked about - but I've been finding men, particularly men who haven't been in lots of relationships before have real trouble realising that they're not single any more, and I found the comment "You're not my mother" incredibly, incredibly strange. No, I'm not a parent who wants their child to be in by 8:30, but he doesn't seem to be able to work out, even now - when I do a lot of the cooking in the shared house we have, that it's asking something entirely fair to know what his plans are...

Hello, It's kind of coincidental that I happen...

2009-09-15T19:07:04.461-05:00

Hello,
It's kind of coincidental that I happened across your blog again (I had bookmarked it quite a while ago as I found it so interesting!) Considering this morning I feel as though I have hit the wall in my relationship of nearly 5 years. I have an 8 year old daughter to another man (an equally unhealthy relationship) a 16 month old and I am pregnant again. My current partner is a good man but has absoloutely no emotions, empathy whatever you want to call it. It has become unbearable. We fight so much over the sharing of household tasks (childcare, sleep-ins etc) yet he never shows any sympathy nor understanding at all. We have no physical contact whatsoever as he is so uncomfortable with it, (he has never seen me naked!)He is a great step-dad to my daughter although he is a real authoritarian with her, and lately is on her back all the time. I feel I cannot get through to him ever about anything, and I am so sad because I crave affection and emotional support yet I can never have it from him, no matter how hard I try. We don't even go to bed together, and I can't remember the last time he said anything nice to me (nor me to him to be fair) Some say that the way to go is to show your partner the affection you crave, when I try he is like a stone which makes me feel even less close to him, so I avoid it altogether. I really feel that we have no future as he has said numerous times "This is the way I am, and I'm not going to change". I feel so terribly guilty for ruining my daughter's childhoods with another failed relationship. Do you have any advice?

I am in a great new relationship with a man I ador...

2009-08-02T07:18:39.581-05:00

I am in a great new relationship with a man I adore. He's absolutely wonderful. But last year, I was divorced after a really, really terrible betrayal. My husband and one of my closest friends had been having a secret affair for two years and shortly after I literally caught them (when I was pregnant with our second child), she got pregnant. I left, got divorced, and four months ago, started dating this guy.
But now it's like I have PTSD from the betrayal. I feel so so so scared that even though we're happy now, that at some point, he'll grow bored of me or I won't be enough for him and he'll fall out of love and leave me or fall for someone else. I want so badly for this to work out, and other than my anxiety about this stuff, it is an otherwise very healthy relationship.
My question: how do you learn to trust again, and is it really wise to do that? am I protecting myself, or ruining my chances at future happiness by being so worried? my mother always said that the only person you can count on in this life is yourself. is she right?

Hi Lara, Thanks for your excellent questions. I ...

2009-07-31T19:50:25.204-05:00

Hi Lara,

Thanks for your excellent questions.

I think it is great that you are pondering and contemplating your choices; too often important decisions are made without the requisite thought! (smile)

I think you addressed many of the issues we currently face in society; divorce is often seen as the quick fix, marriage may not be considered important or valuable, and of course you are not alone when it comes to growing up with poor examples of what marriage can be.

Having said this, I truly believe marraige can move beyond the superficial infatuation phase into something really amazing if given the chance and if two people are willing to do the work necessary to make it happen.

It does require energy, time, and effort. No doubt about this.

And, you are right, what we see on TV does not really demonstrate this. We typically see two people who find each other and live happily ever after. Not reality, unfortunately! :-)

I hold that the depth of a relationship, the truly powerful and passionate love between a couple comes after the initial and easy moments together.

Warmest wishes to you,

Jennifer

Hi Anonymous, 7-8 My observation is that many rel...

2009-07-31T19:40:53.937-05:00

Hi Anonymous, 7-8

My observation is that many relationships have differences in how partners communicate.

The good news is, this is easily addressed! :-)

I think this is a situation where there can be all sorts of compromises; where new skills can be learned; where there is lots of opportunity for growth.

Because, as we know, relationships are never perfect; they require we grow and learn and grow, and grow, and grow... LOL!

Best of luck,

jennifer

Hi Bill, Periodically, I have readers ask for hel...

2009-07-31T19:38:04.382-05:00

Hi Bill,

Periodically, I have readers ask for help and they want to pay for my time.

While I never ask for any donations or fee for anything associated with this blog, I have the donation available for those who have strongly requested an opportunity to support the cause!

Warmest wishes,

Jennifer

I just discovered these comments so forgive me for...

2009-07-31T19:35:47.656-05:00

I just discovered these comments so forgive me for taking so long to respond...

Hi Jen I didn't know where to put this but h...

2009-07-30T07:21:45.971-05:00

Hi Jen

I didn't know where to put this but here we go.

I have read your blog and it has encouraged me into asking for your advice on my relationship. This is my first serious relationship and for the first year things were perfect. Then all of a sudden things seemed to die down a little bit. I was wondering why I didn't feel the excietment I once did and one night came to the conclusion that I must not love her. This realisation made me panic, the physical and mental feelings were unbearable and I felt like I wanted to leave. However I didn't leave her and things carried on like this for a while. I told her about my feelings and she tried to help me through. Little things like hugs and looking after her would alleviate the anxiety and uncomfortableness I was feeling and sometimes even make me happy and love her for a bit. Things started to improve but I was afraid to do certain things in case I started to feel the negative feelings again (I avoided scenarios which were likely to bring back memories of these feelings.). I went to see a student counsellor to see if she could help. I was reluctant to do this as I thought the counsellor may suggest we break up and that was not what I wanted to hear.

We had our ups and downs but things really started to pick up and we enjoyed spending time together but then about five months later she was offered a job which meant she would have to move away. I decided that I would move with her, despite being incredibly scared that these feelings would come back. This fear kept repeating on me and I was constantly on edge when we moved in together. I really wanted to make things work and I was happy but finally this fear became too much. I started to believe I didn't love her anymore. The mental and physical feelings came back. This was a month ago. Since then she has tried to be as supportive as she can but she has said her patience is wearing thin and that she feels hurt by my behaviour. I can't blame her, but I can't help it. It has got to the point now where I feel like there is no love for her and I need to leave because of the stress that I am putting myself and my body under......but I never do. I don't want to want to leave if that makes sense? I want to be able to be close to her again and have things back the way they once were.

I really want there to be hope for this relationship because she is one of the most genuine, kind, and honest people I know and I am still attracted to her. She doesn't deserve what I am putting her through. I have considered going away for a while but I'm afraid that I'd be scared to come back because I'd think I would feel anxious when we got back together.

Is there hope for our relationship? Is it that I have fallen out of love or is it that I am a prisoner of my fears?

I am having anxiety about my 2.5 year relationship...

2009-07-22T19:38:49.852-05:00

I am having anxiety about my 2.5 year relationship at the moment - I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend - however I just don't feel 'in love' anymore. If anything I feel a great sense of boredom. I guess one of the ironic things about our relationship is that we are so alike, so compatible, we never fight and things just have gotten boring. I keep wondering if we'd be better off with people who are a bit different, if that makes sense. Our infatuation phase was extremely intense - I thought I'd found the love of my life - however, I just don't know how to adjust to the post-infatuation phase. I also feel like outside factors such as career disappointments and other personal issues might be having a negative effect on the relationship.

However I can't help but think that alot of this stems from my anxiety about marriage in general. My parents have had a toxic relationship all my life (the yelling/screaming/hating each other type of relationship) and up until I met my boyfriend I had pretty much decided I would never get married because I simply didn't believe in the intsitution. I know that having poor marital role models and coming from a high-conflict home is a large factor in divorce rates and in determining whether a person's relationship will be successful. How does one overcome that, since obviously you can't go back and change your childhood.

I also feel like part of the reason why marriage has become so difficult is because society doesn't value marriage/family anymore. Every advice column I see suggests divorce as a quick fix solution. Is divorce really the quick fix solution, or is it because we live in an instant gratification society and simply are unable to deal with the low parts of love? Or maybe we simply have unrealistic expectations that we get from hollywood and wrongly assume that our partner is supposed to make us happy, rather than us making ourselves happy.

Sorry if that seemed all over the place... I have been giving love/relationships way too much thought lately!

Hi Jenn, Don't know if you will see this comm...

2009-07-15T12:48:17.313-05:00

Hi Jenn,

Don't know if you will see this comment, but I also have a blog focusing on therapy and related questions...loved finding your blog and will continue to explore it...very curious to know if anyone and or how much you may get in donations for your writing...it certainly seems worth it to me, so am very curious if this is worth doing for myself....I have about 4-6000 readers each month and about 14-16000 clicks per month...thanks for any advice you can give and great writing!

bill martin
www.counselinginchicago.com

I have a problem.. My current BF who I have been d...

2009-07-13T05:16:55.124-05:00

I have a problem.. My current BF who I have been dating for about 2 years just rediscovered his religion. And when I mean rediscovered it I mean a year ago he wasn't nearly as he was today. He used to say I was the most important in his life and put our relationship always first. Now a days he says God is first and if we aren't meant to be then it won't happen.

Anyways, he said that if I don't start to believe the same things as far as religion goes then he can't marry me. But if I can start to believe and end up having the same beliefs as he does he has no problem with marrying me. I am not religious at all and never have been and this seems to be the last doubt in his mind.

The problem is I am not sure it is worth it. He is trying to make me change who I really am it feels like and I don't know if that is something I should try to do. I love him with all my heart but this just makes me feel not good enough anymore.

Any advice?

Hi Jennifer, apologies if you have already covere...

2009-07-08T04:28:08.834-05:00

Hi Jennifer,

apologies if you have already covered this and I have missed it : here is my situation -
I have a wonderful partner and I love him greatly. When we are living our daily lives we get on really well, however I have discovered that I have become bored with holidays and dinners out. I have put it down to conversation...I love to talk and like a lot of women enjoy talking about emotions, people, etc... my partner, when pressed, is open, but is not naturally interested in talking about those things and there seems only so many facts one can discuss. I find him an extremely interesting person and value his opinions, have you any advice?

In addition, he is very even tempered which has its plusses and..well... I wondered whether what I value greatly in a relationship is sharing someones joy and disappointments... on holidays he seems content but never elated. The only times I see him truly super happy is when he is happy to be with me.... (which is great) but I think I enjoy sharing joys - not just being a source...(ps he makes me happy tooX )