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Top ten, (make that fifteen), reasons not to have an affair:
1. You will regret it when it is over. I promise.
2. Many people will be hurt. You know this is true. You will be caught and marriages, children, and families will suffer.
3. It will end badly. It always does. Your heart will be broken, or your family will be broken, or your life will be broken.
4. Lying and deceiving are not good for your health. This is nothing new. The deception and lies that go along with an affair are nothing short of harmful to your body, soul, and spirit.
5. You will lose the respect of others right along with your self-respect. No question about this.
6. You promised you would be faithful. Remember your wedding day? Remember how many times you promised you would be faithful? Always there for each other? Love forever and ever? Don’t forget it!
7. It is morally, ethically, spiritually, positively, absolutely, undeniable and reliable wrong, (borrowing from the Wizard of Oz). Whatever your belief system, religion, or faith tradition, unfaithfulness is one of those universal “sins.”
8. Your partner deserves better. I don’t care how bad she or he is, you do not need to stoop so low as to be the one who inflicts this sort of harm on your former beloved. If he or she is that bad get a divorce.
9. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you; another one of those universal truths that help us know how to live a decent life. Would you want your partner to engage in similar behavior? Enough said.
10. Your fling is not worth destroying your marriage and family. Seriously, while the affair may be enticing, why not fix your marriage rather than destroying it. I can pretty much guarantee that if you expend the same amount of energy into your marriage as you would an affair, it would be a wonderful relationship.
11. It is a huge time waster. I know it sounds fun and alluring and all that, but, your time would be better spent on caring for your loved ones, playing with children, working on your relationship, or engaging in something that benefits others rather than hurts them.
12. The world does not need more people who are unfaithful, slimy, and dishonest. We have enough people who care less about their relationships and families and children What we need are more people who live a good and decent life with at least a modicum of integrity.
13. Rationalizing and justifying it will not make it right, it will just take away the guilt for a time. But guess what? The guilt will come back. It always does. You don’t get a free pass. Harming the one you promised to love, destroying your family in such a way, betraying your spouse, all come with consequences; and they are not pretty.
14. Affairs don’t lead to happiness, they destroy it. While they may offer a bit of fun and excitement they are not about joy or peace or happiness. Far from it. Affairs may imitate joy for a time but in the end, they only destroy it.
15. You know better. If you are reading this, contemplating an affair, stop and listen to your gut, (not another particular organ). Truly listen to what you know is right and honest and healthy for you. Don’t let your desire for an ego boost and a little excitement override what you know is the decent way to live. Do not let that fantasy take what is real from your life. Walk away. No, make that, RUN away.
Now, if your marriage is without hope for healing, if your partner is a horrible person, if your marriage is filled with abuse, or if you are so miserable in your relationship that you need to end it, get a divorce.
AFTER the divorce you can go out and find someone else. But, don't start another relationship until the current one is over and the end is finalized!
I'm writing this but anyone reading this knows it. Affairs come when we ignore what we know to be true; when we think the rules don't apply to us, or that we are the exception to the rule. Guess what... the rules of life do apply to you and you are not the exception.
If you are contemplating an affair... stop. If you are in an affair, stop.
Today!
21 comments:
Great post which is oh so true!
"if you expend the same amount of energy into your marriage as you would an affair, it would be a wonderful relationship." Yes, how true! Affairs take time. Time that could be spent creating magic in the relationship that already exists.
Relationships blossom with positive attention. Couples who attend a retreat together benefit from whatever teachings and exercises (and private "homeplay assignments!") are offered, but perhaps the primary benefit is really the intensified attention that the relationship receives. They return home renewed. Their relationship has been transformed into a love affair, one that is worth having.
You write very helpful posts. I wish they were published more often.
One thing I would like is if you wrote a list like this but included examples of people you had counseled (with no identifying information, of course). Writing "one man said x about his affair, etc." I think that would be very helpful. Keep up the great work.
Hi Anonymous,
GREAT idea! Thanks for your idea! I'll add it to my list and get to it shortly!
Warmest wishes,
Jennifer
I really enjoy your blog and think you give great advice! I, too, wish your posts were more frequent. The only thing that makes me sad is the ease at which you suggest to just "get a divorce" and "start another relationship." Maybe it's because I have a conviction that God is more interested in developing our character and preparing us for heaven with Him rather than having utmost earthly happiness...NEVERTHELESS, just when I feel hope from your posts that I can persevere in a not-so-perfect or not-so-happy marriage, you then seem quick to say just end it. Encourage us to hold to our vows no matter what! Even if we are not happy! (Though physical abuse is another story...) Integrity and pouring into another person are more honorable than chasing personal happiness, which is so evasive anyway. You might be happy in your marriage, but many people are not, and we need to be encouraged to hang in there...not end it and start over again. What if we're unhappy in marriage #2? Jump to marriage #3? Then marriage #4? Where is the honor and integrity in that? Just my thoughts. I still think you are right on with many points!
ITA with everything you said. The grass always looks greener when the other person doesn't have to do your laundry.
What a great blog! This is so true. I think I want my husband to leave now!
I wish my wife had read this before she destroyed our family. we are living all fifteen points and it is horrible.
About the divorce aspect of this post: I agree 100,000% Affairs are no longer about just crushed egos and broken hearts. Now we have STDs to contend with.
Check this out:
http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats08/trends.htm
A god will not protect you from AIDS, gonorrhea, or any other STD! I would not be willing to continue my marriage if my husband thinks so lowly of me to screw around with another human, putting my present and future health at risk.
This was a great posting. I am a husband who loves his wife dearly. Yet... I am still contemplating an affair. My wife leaves nothing to be desired, she is wonderful. I just have this need for excitement and adventure and I thought an affair would accomplish that. Thanks to your article I am going to toss out my "wants." This article is right on; an affair never ends well. My wife certainly deserves better. I think I will take the advice given by thousands of broken hearts and not have the affair to begin with. God bless.
I would really like some help... Being pursued by a girl at work and have no interest in having an affair. She is becoming increasingly pervasive in my life sending pictures, email, messages etc. I have already stated no many times and this seems to elicit an angry response. Really want to be left alone and worried about the future with my partner. Have tried placating this lady but it just seems to act as encouragement. I want to reiterate there has been no sexual contact, kissing or anything between me and this girl although it feels I am being scrutinised as such. Never had this happen to me before and already incredibly adverse to the affair idea due to obvious complication it must evoke. I don't want to be a typical guy and eventually succumb. I'm fighting my own lustful instincts daily! I'm happy, just want to be left alone. Does anyone have any idea what to do? I work in a strange enclosed environment which brings us into close contact. Forensics. And she is actively arranging rotas to match. Feeling like I don't have much say in this. Even got an abusive message on valentines day about my partner. Have to admit once when she sent a pic (without request) i did compliment her and we did engage in speculation but hasn't been repeated. Any advice, really would be apprecciated. Thanks.
It's interesting reading the opinions of people about affairs. Most people who have not had an affair and have a great marriage are fortunate there is no doubt, however Affairs happen and according to the book "The Monogamy Myth" they happen in approximately 80% of marriages.
That being said: Many people go into affairs understanding all of the challenges that you just mentioned and yet they still do it.
1) Regret - I had a 2 1/2 year affair and even though we ultimately didn't get together long term, both of us (in the affair) valued the relationship and we are still friends...
2) You are right about this but maybe not always for the reasons you have mentioned. We never got caught, however it was emotionally challenging for me and her and I know that my children were impacted even though they never knew about the affair. Emotionally it was draining caring about someone that presently I couldn't be with.
3) Our didn't end badly
4) Lying bad for health: Okay, I agree with this one big time. I think during the affair I literally aged 2 years for every 1 year of the affair because it was so stressful to lead a double life.
5) I think this is a bigger risk for females then males. Some men are a bit judgemental when they learn about it, however when the facts are laid out they tend to be more understanding. Ironically when I open up to females who I don't know and yet tell them that I had an affair and that I cared deeply about the other person, they tend to pursue me. One affair was enough... I won't be having another affair... Even though I valued it emensely it was too stressful to do a second time.
6) Yep... I did, and failed.
7) Not saying its right or wrong. I have counseled others out of having an affair, not so much for them not to have the affair as I believe that is a personal choice, but I did counsel them to understand the potential struggles they would be dealing with. Knowing what I know now about the person I had the affair with I would do it all over again, but the internal pain of not being able to spend time with this person on a permanent basis could have easily overwhelmed me.
8) Absolutely. I find myself to be one of the most complex and hard to figure out people I know and I'm me. We've not talked about the affair, however I've asked why she continues to want me around because I know that I don't show her the type of love that she deserves, however we didn't figure that out until after we had our first child and then we committed to raising her and our second child to adulthood.
9) I actually secretly wish my wife would find someone who respected her and wanted to spend time with her, however until then I have chosen not to leave the marriage prematurely. 3 years left.
10) Maybe mine wasn't an ordinary fling. We're not talking some stripper or bartender (not that there is anything wrong with those professions), however I'm just saying.
11) I certainly spent a lot of time on my affair. Certainly it did cost me some of the relationship with my family, there is no doubt, so for that my legacy is probably tarnished, however I wouldn't consider any of it a waste of time. We only go through this life once and affairs are a fact of life.
12) I agree there are those who have serial affairs and are habitual liars and as a result the term slimy probably is accurate. However I also understand as was in my relationship was a loving though complicated and painful at times relationship.
13) True, however I'm not sure that there is a right or wrong. There is a right or wrong for you and one must be willing to own the potential negative outcomes of his/her actions. I've asked for a divorce 3 times and my wife had played hardball in not allowing that to take place. Not saying that justifies the affair. I'm just saying that every relationship is different.
14) Some of my most fond memories in recent years was during my affair.
15) Those who are going to have affairs in most every case has already decided that he/she is open to the idea for whatever reason. I think understanding that you may in fact fall in love with someone you can't be with is the biggest risk. I know there is a difference between having sex and having an affair where both emotions and (potentially sex) is involved. Only you can answer whether its a good or bad decision for you. I would do it all over again, however I'll never do it again, but it provided for me something that was severely lacking in my marriage.
If you have a loving relationship with your wife or husband then don't do it. You could mess up something that for you is really good for something that is an illusion.
Your last point: Divorce is easier said then done. I've moved out, got a second place, was separated and working on putting divorce in order and my wife quite literally didn't play fair.
Sorry to play devils advocate to your article... I just thought it needed a counter point.
monogamy was a social invention, which works best with the 'tit for two tats' model: a relationship can stand one partner to have one affair, but not both having one or either having two affairs. So give your cheating spouse another chance, but only if you've been faithful.
I agree that a married person should not have a secret affair, but instead, recognize the desire to be with someone else and communicate that BEFORE cheating.
Sounds easy, and of course it's not. But just because a person made a committment at one time, does not mean that situations can't change. A person should not be sentenced to a life that becomes unhappy. Life is not about "paying dues". Let me ask all those who have been cheated ON. Would you rather have had your spouse suck it up and spend the rest of their life with you, trying their hardest to pretend to be happy? When a person lies about their own feelings, to themselves or anyone else, they are not happy, and if they're not happy, it's likely you're not either.
I almost took the leap. Met a great guy. I want a relationship with him so much. I just can't do it. As much as I want it I just don't have the mental energy. The points are all valid and true.
I have a great love, and a great love interest. I am 22 years old and have been with my fiancé for 8 1/2 years, it the only love I've ever known, but I met an amazing guy who did everything you see in movies and books. I forced myself to push him away, nit-picking at little things. 4 years later I still think of him and have small talk from time to time. In those last 4 years, my prince charming fiancé have become a depressed suicidal atheist alcoholic with a few domestic abuse incidents. I'm currently sporting 3 bruises and missing some skin hide on my knees, but the other 99% of the time I'm treated like an angel. It has been months since th thought of my "friend" but lay night I dreamed of him, and have been texting him all day. I have an over-whelming desire to fuck his brains out, just to see who I want more. I know my fiancé would never find out and my friend would love the chance. I'm just afraid that i'll like it too much, leaving my fiancé would result in a suicide, not an attempt like last time. Id rather not know than be responsible for the love of my life's death.
This blog post is very good! i glad i found it on blogspot
If you fell in love no one of your tips will work.
I've reconnected with an old boyfriend and we have had an emotional affair for 1.5 years. I've been married for 7.5 years and have 2 small children. This week we're making it physical. I've fought it for so long but am finally at peace with it; I am in love with him and my husband. Don't know what will happen but I can't go on without the physical aspect anymore.
Good stuff. Its weird, marriage doesnt make temptation easier...it actually make it much more difficult to deal with.
Been married two years to a great girl and i still have the urge to be a rascal!
To the guy who said he needed adventure and excitement, go climb a mountain. You can climb the highest peak in South America for $4k...cheaper than voodoo punani, and a lot more fun.
www.peakfreaks.com
-K
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