Love or Loving? My Most Important Post Ever

In thinking about how to title this article, I came up with several ideas... how to heal your marriage, or how not to have an affair, or how to get back that loving feeling, or the most important thing you must do to have a healthy marriage.

Hopefully, as simple as this article is, I hope it will address all of the above.

The most common struggle I hear these days is, "I love my spouse but I am no longer in love."

Today, we are often given the message that marriage must be a wild and crazy perfect affair 24/7 or else we better find another partner. We "fall out of love" and want to move on.

It is a difficult situation when women and men no longer feel they are in love with their partners, or no longer feel that lovely intimate connection they once enjoyed.

Often, this sentiment leads to affairs; emotional, cyber, or physical intimate relationships outside of the marriage. As we all know, this is one of the most harmful and damaging of all behaviors in a marriage, potentially ending the relationship and destroying a family.

So, let me address, what I consider one of the most difficult of challenges in a marriage.

To begin, I would like to discuss the difference between love and loving.

We often, and in the above situation use the word, "love" to describe a general feeling of care or sisterly/brotherly love. "Love" could be used to describe ones feeling for the neighbor down the street or a stranger across the planet. It is a nice word that denotes concern and perhaps even a degree of empathy. In the past this form of love was called "philos" meaning deep friendship.

When a person says they love their partner but are not in love, these feelings are often that to which they refer.

Loving, on the other hand is completely different. It is a powerful verb meaning you are doing something. You are acting. You are involved and active. it is a participatory word.

Take a minute and ponder what it means for you to be loving. What sorts of actions do you do when you are loving another? Perhaps you are engaging in sexual intimacy? Maybe giving gifts? Maybe being kind and considerate? Maybe you are complimentary or demonstrating love in some way?

Now, here is the big secret. If you are not "in love" with your partner it is because you are not loving him or her.

When a man says, "I love my wife but I no longer am in love with her," I hear, "my wife is a good person but I am not loving her"

Similarly, if a woman says, "my husband is a nice man but I am no longer in love with him; what I know is that, the wife cares about her partner but is not loving him.

In other words, to truly be "in love" requires you are loving.

Conversely, if you are not loving, you will not be "in love".

This is a simple idea yet can have extraordinary impact on a relationship.

Too often people have the mistaken notion that being "in love" just happens. This is just not so. Remaining in love with someone requires you are loving. It requires you engage in the relationship in loving ways. You must demonstrate and bring love to the relationship.

The more you are loving the stronger the bonds of love.

There is a little adage that, without clear understanding is slightly uncomfortable for me, yet it does describe a fundamental truth. It is this, "fake it until you make it."

At first it sounds like you must pretend to love someone, lying and deceiving another which of course is not at all what this phrase is trying to convey. What it is pointing out is that, if you act in a loving way, you create love. As you act lovingly you come to more fully love your partner.

If you are loving your partner, you find yourself "in love" with him or her.

If you are one who is finding someone other than your spouse compelling, attractive, and alluring, perhaps flirting with the possibility of an affair, or even actually involved in a relationship outside your marriage, think about your behavior. Most likely, it is loving. In other words, you are acting in a loving way. Maybe bringing your best self to the relationship; filling your conversations with compliments, concern, and care. Maybe you are showing affection, looking for the good, focusing on the person of your desire. You know, doing all those things that we do when we are first attracted to someone.

And what about your spouse? Most likely you have stopped putting forth the effort. You no longer are loving your spouse. You are no longer engaged in the very acts of loving that create intimacy and deepen love.

The point is, YOU hold the key to how much you love and how much you are in love with your partner. YOU have it in your mind and heart to act lovingly or not. YOU have it in your power to be loving.

Love is not something that just happens. And remaining in love with your partner most definitely will not happen unless you give everything you have to the relationship. To keep the marriage alive, to remain in love with your spouse it is not enough to just love, you must be loving.

Notice how it may feel to tell your spouse, "I am loving you," rather than, "I love you." The first describes something you are doing, not just something that may be a feeling similar to how you feel about your childhood friend of long ago.

Finally, a reminder about the stages of love, or attraction versus love. I have posted about this numerous times so I will be brief. There is a big difference between the initial stage of attraction and what is deep and complete love. While the first feels wildly exciting, passionate, and extraordinarly enticing, it is not true love. It is simply a bunch of chemicals in your brain that get ignited to get you to mate with someone; very primitive actually. This is not love. Not at all.

And, we all know this elation goes away after a year or two. No matter how wild and wonderful a relationship may start out, you know the superficial ecstacy is going to diminish in time.

What can replace this are deep feelings of comfort, security, intimacy, and deep passion, and the profound true love that comes from sharing ones life with another.

This however requires care and attention and the behavior that will bring it forth. It doesn't just happen.

For those who no longer feel "in love" with their partners, I would offer the idea to begin loving your partner. Begin focusing your energy and attention, time and devotion to your spouse. Do everything you can to bring love forth and give it to your spouse.

As the saying goes, fake it until you make it, or rather, be loving until you realize you are in love once again!