After Your Affair, picking up the pieces

I've had several comments, emails, and questions from those who have engaged in an affair so this response is directed to those who have had an affair, regret their behavior, and want to repair the damage to themselves, their loved ones, and those they have hurt.

There is no getting around the fact that an affair is one of the most hurtful of all betrayals. The damage is at times irreparable, yet at other times it can be overcome. As I frequently have stated, marriages can heal from all sorts of challenges if both partners are willing to do the work. I don't say it is easy, but it is possible and it does indeed happen.

We know that the victims of affairs are seriously devastated at the discovery their partner has been deceitful and unfaithful. They are hurt, often beyond what they think they can bear.

It is also true that often, those who have affairs are filled with enormous pain due to the suffering and pain they have caused.

My personal belief is that there are consequences to behavior; when we engage in behavior that is deceitful, there will eventually come guilt, regret, and sorrow for mistakes. It is normal and appropriate. An affair is obviously one of the most extreme forms of hurt that can be inflicted on another so the guilt can be enormous and extraordinarily painful.

Is there any hope? Can one ever move beyond the pain of inflicting such cruelty on their beloved?

My answer is yes.

Again, it takes work, but yes, we can heal and grow and find peace, even after we have made terrible mistakes.

How is it possible to once again find joy?

Let me offer five suggestions. These ideas are not meant to be a cure-all, nor are they exhaustive, but perhaps they can be a beginning and offer a path to start the healing process.

1. Change behavior. Immediately, change whatever behaviors brought you to the affair. Stop emailing those who tempt you. Limit your acquaintances to those who bring out the best in you. Do not engage in those sorts of activities that you know bring out behaviors that move you toward inappropriate behavior. Spend more quality time with your partner and family. In short, do whatever you can to live a decent life free of any and all behaviors that may lead to more mistakes.

2. Make amends. Obviously, anyone who has had an affair needs to sincerely apologize. Once trust has been broken in such a dramatic way, it may take some time to once again regain it. There will be a period of time where the victims of the affair feel completely on guard and even unwilling to trust. The hurt is deep and will require significant demonstration of trustworthiness to heal. Allow time for healing to occur. Be patient, more patient than you ever thought possible.

3. Fix the problems. While I in no way even remotely suggest an affair is the fault of anyone other than the one who engaged in the affair, it is true that few, (if any), affairs occur in a happy and healthy marriage. Consequently, if one or more partners has had an affair it is a big red flag that something is wrong in the marriage, or one or both partners are not happy in the marriage.

It is time to fix whatever problems are in the marriage. This may require a therapist, and/or some serious work, regardless, the marriage won't improve or get back on track unless the problems of the marriage are dealt with and worked through.

4. Find support. Whether one find support and strength in their religious beliefs, families, friends, or some other support group, now is a good time to call on those who will help you live the life you envision. Surround yourself with the best influences you can find.

Some people find value in reestablishing connections with their spiritual or religious communities, others find a need to reconnect with Source, or their highest self... whatever will help you embrace your core values of honesty and faithfulness will be beneficial.

5. Immerse yourself in goodness and kindness. If you are spending your time working toward strengthening your marriage, enjoying your family, and being the best human being possible, not only do you eliminate much of the distraction of inappropriate relationships, you also find your own sense of purpose and value increasing. Your self esteem, your sense of authenticity, your sense of being blossoms.

In other words, the more you heal your marriage and invest in your family, the less you will find other inappropriate relationships tempting; the more you engage in what is truly important in life, the less you will feel a desire for the superficial ego boost that comes from attention and attraction.


To sum it up, you can move beyond your own pain and sorrow. It will take some work and it will take some time but you can.

Will you ever forgive yourself?

As you overcome your personal challenges and view your affair as a serious mistake from which you can learn, you can grow and move on. If however, you remain in the mindset and environment that brought you to your affair, you may remain in the state of sorrow and guilt.

My hope is that after an affair, if both partners want remain together, they can come together to heal their marriage, strengthen themselves, and find their marriage even stronger than before.

Again, it does require serious commitment and change. It requires forgiveness, love, and hope.

Warmest wishes to those struggling with the after effects of an affair,

Jennifer