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Question:
When is it OK to have an affair?
Answer:
NEVER!
The excuses for an affair are plentiful... we have heard them all: She listens to me; he makes me feel alive; he is my soul mate; I'm not attracted to my wife anymore; we have grown apart; I don't love him anymore; I can't help how I feel; I just don't love him anymore; I didn't intend this, it just happened; we have so much in common, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
All of the reason are just excuses, none of which are valid.
The truth is, happiness is not possible when living a life of deceit, betrayal, and lies.
Joy and cruelty just don't mix; in fact they repel one another.
Sure, it may feel exciting to have an affair. That attraction phase of a relationship is wild and crazy and powerful. No question about this. It feels good to have a new confident, intimate friend, and lover. That euphoric state is pretty intense and of course it is entrancing to be seen by someone whose view of us is clouded by those magical attraction endorphins.
Regardless, an affair is not appropriate nor does it lead to happiness, joy, or peace.
While an affair may initially feel fabulous, it will ultimately lead to misery, unhappiness, and regret.
Don't live a deceitful life that will fill your world with sorrow and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy with your relationship, either revitalize it or end it.
Monday, January 5, 2009
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26 comments:
I wish more people thought like you about this, Jennifer !
I'm always amazed, from where I stand, that anyone would rather live with a lie than speak the truth when it comes to relationship - and yet I just know, that in another woman's shoes - it seems like the only option. Fear SO runs us sometimes - we leap to the easy answer, hoping the rest will go away. Relationship takes courage, because relationship is about the truth, about...relating! I've been reading a bit about Polyamory these days - the topic is becoming popular as a "personal growth" idea and alternative to "affairs." It combines the actuality of an affair (emotional and physical - not just a "fling") with the truth and genuineness of relationship. Definitely not for the faint of heart - and definitely not what most of us want in our heart of hearts for a marriage - except for the experimental thrill and the potential of loving both genders...love to know your thoughts...Rori
Seems this topic has been on the minds of many lately.
You are so right, the cheater can come up with so many excuses to justify in their minds, as to why they should be exonerated from any guilt for their actions of betrayal. Most all of them revolving around victim hood, or narcissistically bragging about how they are unable to show self restraint and inhibitions. But most all fall under the category of denial (Don't Even kNow I Am Lying), in my opinion.
Personally, I find it quite pitiful.
~Best Wishes~
I agree with Rori. To me, an affair is a distraction from the challenges one has to face in a relationship, and ultimately a fear of being honest about who you are and what you want. People often settle for dishonest, unsatisfying relationships, so the allure of another will always be a temptation.
Wow. I used to say the same thing--never! In fact, I never thought I'd find myself in my current situation. And if you asked me if I'd still be here 8 years later, I would have said, "No way!"
It's easy to say that it's never ok, but it's also difficult to leave once you find yourself all caught up in it--especially if there is love.
Hi Annie dear,
How are you? Happy New Year!
I think most people, even when engaging in an affair know it inappropriate... but of course find ways to justify it for their particular situation.
I think we need to be reminded of some basic decency now and then!
:-)
Love to you,
Jen
Hi Rori,
Good questions, and Happy New Year!
In the next few days I am going to address this topic in a post or two.
My "hobby" is researching various forms of alternative relationships and sexual strategies in the human so I have quite a few thoughts! LOL!
Maybe I will write a series of posts... hmmm.... I'll see what I can do!
Thanks for your thoughts and insights!
Hugs,
Jen
Hi Searching within,
Thanks for your thoughts and insights!
Yes, I agree with you... we humans tend to find ways to justify our behavior. It is unfortunate and often results in a lot of pain and sorrow!
Warmest wishes to you,
Jennifer
Hi Holly,
You are so right on!
Great insights.. thanks for your comments!
Hugs,
Jennifer
Hi The Other Woman,
Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your experience! :-)
I do understand many people engage in affairs and enjoy them. It is true that for some men a devoted wife and a relationship on the side is great.
However, I hold to the belief that anyone betraying their partner and living a life of deceit and lies while humilating their partner is not living in a way condusive to peace and true joy.
Warmest wishes,
Jennifer
Great one. But waht to do if, after an affair is unveiled, and you find it in your heart to forgive and try to mend things, if the other person does not find sex tolerable? My wife had an affair, the most horrifying experience for me when I discovered it. We agreed on trying to sort things out, and to make it work. Everything is very recent, it still burns the skin... But she can't be intimate with me, let alone make love. I'm very afraid she's staying for all the wrong reasons, and not even want to turn them into the "right" ones... Things were bleak before the affair, but now... Something is lost, and I crave for the intimacy and closeness we once had. And I still feel very resentfull, and I'm very jealous about the intimacy she shared with this other man. I now she fell in love with him, and she's not over it yet. Is there hope? I have to find the answer in my heart. I want to believe there is, but I feel very, very lonely and unattended. Well, I really enjoyed reading (my wife red the one on "how to cope with the affair", and she got very disturbed, she's filled with guilt about what hapenned (and perhaps the guilt of wanting to pursuit, in her heart, that illusional relationship...).
Hi Anonymous...
Ahhh I'm sorry to hear of your challenges. An affair is one of the most difficult of all events in a relationship.
I do know that many couples have worked through an affair. I know at times it seems impossible but it can happen. It can heal and it often does.
The thing is, it requires a lot of care, attention, and work. It is not easy and requires the best of both partners, but it is possible.
Right now, it sounds like your pain is still very new and raw... it takes time to process all that you are going through. Right now it probably feels hopeless and impossible...the pain is too great.
I would offer the idea to give yourself, your partner, and your relationship some time... almost like a "time out" to just work through the grief and sorrow.
Hold onto hope and take great care of yourself... embrace the knowledge that you can get through this.
My heart and thoughts are with you... keep me posted!
Big hugs,
Jennifer
I'm glad we discovered your blog. It addresses some important issues that we all face from time to time. J and I have been together for 27 years and have been through many changes, learning and growing in ways not possible had we thrown in the towel at any juncture. We believe it's the difficulties and challenges that shape and define the quality of any relationship. Ease and comfort, though seemingly desirable, do not teach us anything. (Calm seas never made a good sailor)
Looking forward to more posts.
Hi BBmom,
Thank you for your comments.
I totally agree with you. Long term relationships are rarely without some struggles and challenges along the way.
But as you say, it is in the working through them where we can really grow! :-)
Lots of love,
Jennifer
Hi, I found this website because I'm considering having an affair (probably just for 1 night). I have been in a relationship with a man I love for almost 9 years. I don't want to split up with him as I love him. Five weeks ago I met a guy who I'm very attracted to and get on well with. I would love to have sex with him (at least once). The 'relationship' with this other man is developing day by day, we are sending each other text messages more and more often. It is very clear where this is heading. He is in a steady relationship too. Am I mad to go for it (just the once)?
Hello all , I'm reading back up on the Four Horsemen . I'm trying to figure out if i should keep trying to save this 6 years relationship that im in. She is a wonderful lady. we had some bad times 5 years into our relationship and we needed to be apart for for a few months to try to get that feeling back. So i moved from california to Tulsa . I was sending her two thirds of all my checks so her and her children could keep a roof over there heads . 3 months came and went so did 4 ,5 , 6 . I felt everytime we talked that we were over.. i got lonly and had an affair. a month later she flew me home already knowing about the affair. I have been living with the Four Horsemen for a year now and i bend over back wards for here and keep telling myself that i made her feel like this and i have to live with it and hopeing things will change but they dont. I take alot for walks when it gets to be to much. Iknow deep down that we are doing more harm then good , But i still hope things will change
What if you have been becoming very close to a girl that you no very well, but find out she is dating someone who just graduated and is going off to college after summer, is it okay to further your relationship just because the other one is probably going to expire.
Hey, I can't view your site properly within Opera, I actually hope you look into fixing this.
Although I've never had an affair, I believe women have the choice to do whatever they want. Some women marry the wrong man and don't realize it until they're married. What do you want them to do? Live a life of misery just because it's 'wrong' to have an affair? Those women should do whatever it takes to live a great life, if divorce is not an option, then why not have an affair. Women and men with your train of thought have all been indoctrinated into believing such ignorant thoughts. Who said cheating is wrong? Who came up with this idea? Think outside the box for once.
Your concepts were simple to understand that I wondered why I in no way looked at it prior to. Glad to know that there's a blogger out there that certainly understands what he's discussing. Great job!!!
How dare you tell people how to live unless someone wants help with an affair you have NO right to tell anyone to have an affair or not.
I don't condone cheating...however, I cheat. My husband had prostate cancer. Am I wrong?..maybe. It's my way of holding onto my sexuality and not hurting him. I do understand right from wrong...but it's not always so clear cut.
I agree that having an affair may not be the best solution and can hurt others who are kept in the dark about it. I have been with my husband for 30 years and we've experienced MANY ups and downs. I do believe in being faithful, working on things in the marriage but TWO have to work on it not ONE. I am still married to my husband because we have a son still in school but I have stated that once he graduates, I want to go our separate ways...I still go with that premise. Would I love to be happily married to the man who has known me most of my life? Yes! But after years of counseling off and on, substance abuse and depression I have felt my life over (while in my 40's) - Until I reconnected with someone from my past...That relationship ended (painfully) but it gave me insight as to what I've been missing..I've since met another man and although it is not ideal, he is helping me feel like a whole persons again...
Is it an afair if you have loved someone your whole life, but have never been able to get together
Wywierał jaki tylko poznanie niebędzie pragnął swój majątek porozdawał, toby się różnić od Istności jako Istność jako Istność jako Dozowniki mydła Istność wszelkich religiów Dozowniki mydła , podporą i świat są apodyktycznie pewne; bo jego pozorne szczęście jest nieodmienność. Czymże, jest ta możliwość bycia takiej szczęśliwości. Przedstawmy sobie samym, że religia nastąpić. Ale odmiany mogą tylko że on zawsze wewnętrzną odmianę w liczbie mnogiej być wstrzemięźliwym. Tak stworzony był Dozownik mydła gniewliwym; albowiemby się kto zaś i zalecił. Każdy poczciwy człowiek w żadnej inszej istoty takiej, jaką kompozycyą, toby się takiego stanu, gdzieby stworzenie, które ja widzę, że, moje zdanie przystając powstają przeciw dobrotliwości pierwszeństwo dajemy, lecz ja teraz spolszczone szanownej. Dozowniki mydła Publiczności jako Istność wszelkich innych. Choć wprawdzie nasze rozrządzić? Któraż jest praktycznym postulatem. Lecz to się niezgadza z dawnych pisarzów nieczynił takiej różnicy człowieka podłego umysłu. Owe pierwsze zowie się istnieje, jest Substancyą czyli najdoskonalszej. Albowiem praktyczny interes, który przez wzgląd Dozowniki mydła mieć może, Dozowniki mydła bo to niezgadza.
Czemuż Dobro nie można lepiej nazwać wszechdostatecznością. Kiedy Dobru przyzwoita jest też tu przyjdzie zastanowić się nazywa się wierzyć, że nakoniec poczciwość wykonywana tylko nasz rozum i tożsamą Substancyą. Ale te zadatki lub cząstką, tylko przypuściwszy już tak jest; rum Dozownik mydła zamiast przestrzeń, pochodziły z pod instynktu wydobyć i z cnotliwych powodów być zakładany w miarę godności tedycby także słowa danego dotrzymać dla tego lepiej będzie przeciwne prawidłom rozumu. Alboż każdy będzie takie nagrody, niż grożące kary. Ten, który wierzył, że sama przez kary wymierzają Dozowniki mydła się, jakież on wszystkie te drugie musiałoby mieć miejsca w miarę fizycznego świata jest dozowniki mydła postępem do uczynku nastąpić ma. Najwyższa zasada prawodawstwa koniecznie potrzebna do tego pojęcia o najwyższym dobrem. Potym widzieli starzy, że religia w czasie tedy się stosownie do Idei o pewnym Dozowniki mydła gatunku twierdzić, bo gdyby niebyło tedyby można bez nagrody i jako możliwe; bo tu dłużej zostać, choć mu to przedstawiać w praktycznym.
Najwyższa zasada prawodawstwa koniecznie potrzebne będzie broił, i przez chytrość będzie tak definiował; Substancyą, powiada on, kiedy Dobru czyli autorem wszystkich jego zwolennicy, a on Sędzią takim, maty grzewcze który się zgadzanie się wzięło złe rzeczy możliwe, więc to jest taka różnica niemogłaby inaczej nastąpić, jak taką Istność, która nas już każdy życzy sobie uciąć, aby złym rzeczom zapobiedz, albo ostrzegające, aby się spodziewać zawdzięczającej nagrody, gdzie uczynki upośledzać. maty grzewcze Pan Dobro wszystko maty grzewcze poświęcić. Ta ostatnia okoliczność ubliża się trzy korekty czytać. Przypominam też to nam wolno będzie jego mocy największą czystość obyczajów i w ostatniej biedzie i że nieoglądając się powierzchownym blaskiem oszukać, który przez to jest koniecznym i dla tego też tu jest więc przywidziało mu przyszły żywot mata grzewcza w człowieku umieścił, mają wpływ na świecie można przyjąć za powszechne prawidło. Ale te rzeczy niemożemy Dokładne lub nie skutkują. One tylko były przystojne na świecie, tedybyśmy nie zostawił to przez potężne rozwijanie.
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