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We watch the same scenario over and over and over...
A married man has an affair.*
He gets caught.
He confesses.
He is filled with remorse.
He apologizes.
His wife and family are devastated.
He is left to pick up the pieces.
Think Jimmy Swaggart, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Kwame Kilpatrick, ... on and on goes the list of men who repeat this same, sad, story. It is as old as the hills and not very entertaining.
Why repeat this boring, tired, and enormously unhappy narrative?
Why not learn from the experiences of the many men who have cheated on their wives and been unfaithful in their marriages?
There are two ways to learn lessons in life. The difficult way is to make all the mistakes yourself. This road is long, difficult, and extremely painful.
The easier and much more pleasant way is to learn by example.
It is AMAZING that we have this fabulous technique to save us all sorts of problems, and to help us avoid all sorts of pain and sorrow but for some reason we overlook it.
So, if you are thinking of having an affair, step back for a second and reevaluate the situation. Look at the many examples you have right in front of you that will help you know exactly what is going to happen.
I know an affair may sound fun and exciting to you. I know you can come up with all sorts of great reasons to go ahead and indulge yourself: Your wife doesn't understand you, your co-worker is in love with you, you are going to be really careful, no one is going to know, the spark has gone out of your relationship, you are not attracted to your wife, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. We all have heard the rationalizations a hundred, make that a thousand times.
But guess what? All those men who after their affair, end up crying and apologizing while humiliating their wives and families had the very same excuses.
No, your situation is not different. No, you are not going to be able to hide it forever. No, she is not your soul mate. No, no, no.... if you have an affair you are no different than all the other unfaithful men who have gone before you.
And you can look to their examples to know exactly how the affair is going to end.
Unhappily.
As you start playing around with the possibility of an affair, as you start fantasizing and imagining all the excitment. Hold the reality of what is ahead... enormous pain, humilation, sorrow, and heartache. You know this is true.
Are you really all that excited about breaking the heart of your wife? About destroying the "great father" image your children hold? To have your legacy be one of unfaithfulness and sleaziness? To end your marriage and destroy up your family?
If you are considering an affair, rethink and reevaluate your behavior and actions and thoughts.
Then snap out of it!
Yes, it is that easy. You decide you are just not going there. Ever. Simple as that.
You hold in your mind the reality of what is ahead. You make a decision today that you are not going to repeat the horrible mistakes others have made. You look at the many examples of other men who have completely destroyed their lives and families because of their inappropriate behavior.
You make a decision.
Then, you work on your marriage.
*Of course this post applies to women as well. While this post is directed specifically to men considering an affair, an upcoming post will address women.
13 comments:
Hi Jen,
Nice post! Agree totally!! :-)
The irresponsible men of this world should be sent print outs of this blog entry of yours, and be forced to read it over and over, at least once a week!! LOL. :P
There's an old saying...'forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest'. Or something similar to that! I guess it applies to the Bill Clintons of this world....and most males! And some females too I suppose.
I feel that - the love in this world, in most cases, is just not strong enough to hold people together. Their love for each other was weak in the first place, and vanished with time.
In most cases, it was never love. It was just an arrangement, a 'marriage of convenience' right from the outset. Marriage out of Compulsion.
For example, sometimes, harsh realities of life force some people to search for financial security in marriage. They have to suppress their feelings and enter an arrangement in which they find financial security. So..such marriages were disasters right from the outset....applies to women...but even men can enter marriage out of some kind of financial compulsion, of course.
What I'm saying is that marriages that were already D.O.A [Dead on Arrival]...what other trajectories will such marriages follow, except what you point out in your blog entry?
There's many other reasons behind infidelity. The confusion, chaos, loneliness of a painful relationship can, sometimes, make a person slip into 'part time relationships', so to say...
So husbands who look for love outside of marriage...well...isn't it true that wives can inflict a mindboggling amount of pain too, when they get down to it! Shakti, after all! :P
I don't write about relationships too often on my blog, but, my latest blog entry is on painful relationships. The chaos, emotional turmoil, the confusion that a person goes through.
Do check it out.
Link: Relics of a Phase Trascended.
regards,
Vikram
Agree 1000% - wish this was mandatory reading for every man (or woman) at the breakfast table every day to keep it fresh in their minds if they are forgetting what honorable means !
Nice post. Each human being can always learn from other people. At the same time, nothing is as educational as your own experience. This is not to suggest people should knowingly engage in situations which harm others. But you gain more insight into life from living thatn from reading a book or watching tv.
It is great you added John Edwards to this list. The ones that have these affairs must love pain. We will continue to see these affairs over and over again. Most likely if you have a affair, you will get caught and/or your conscious is going to beat you to death.
Interesting post...yes, wise advice indeed. Yet, as humans, we don't always learn from the experts, or history, or from anyone else's experience other than our own.
I know that I never dreamed I would have been involved in an 8 year affair with a married man if you would have asked me about it 9 years ago (or before). In fact, I would be the same giver of advice as you--stay away, think twice, work on your marriage, etc.
One thing I have learned from my experience (and believe me, I'm an expert when it comes to being "the other woman," as well as the wife who was getting out of her own marriage and who connected with a married man who said he was getting out of his for support), is that, while there may appear to be patterns which ring true over and over again in any infidelity situation, no one really knows the intimate details or motivation of another couples' situation. I am so less judgmental from my experience.
With that said, I would also give the same advice. People get hurt because of these decisions and trust becomes difficult for everyone involved.
What about the "other man?"
BH
Nice post, and I totally agree. It's common sense anyway :)
I'm always just so surprised when they say they thought they wouldn't get caught...and just think of how many people actually HAVE gotten away with it for years and years and years and years.
And imagine what it's like to live with lying for years and years and years...completely incomprehensible to me.
I can only imagine that having an affair means you really, truly want "Out," and are just hastening the demise.
Every day, as you lie, you must think - "When will she (or he) catch on and throw me out?"
And still - they're surprised.
And who among us haven't thought we'd get away with something? But then...it eats at us.
Very interesting post. We lay the blame on men having adulterous affairs and destroying lives of loved ones. I was a victim of this and I soon realized I was the loser.
Had I listened to his inner most feelings, had I just given intimacy that he was asking, I had given attention to him doing activities he loved, I would still have been married to me. It was my loss. He married the other woman. I realized this to late.
Now, through pain and deep suffering, I had to rebuild myself and happily married again. This time, I don't plan on changing him. I plan on keeping his attention on me. I plan on keeping my physical condition, lead an active lifestyle, support and participat in his activties, and be an equal partner.
I have forgiven him and don't blame him for what he did.
Sorry Loser
Jennifer, I know you are right about the heartache and regret people (man or woman) feel after breaking such a sacred promise and having an affair. I've been married for 10 years to a woman who takes me for granted and neglects me (and our relationship), and the case you made against adultery is why I haven't gone outside our marriage. But the truth is, I'm starting to think about it.
I have been so lonely, so desperate, for so long, it has given me a different perspective on spouses that cheat than I originally had. When a spouse ignores you, occasionally nodding her head that she gets it, but never changing the behavior (at least not for more than a day), you feel trapped. My spouse has strung me along this way for what feels like a lifetime.
It's torture. People do dumb things when they feel this desperate. That's why people who are physically tortured will admit to things they aren't guilty of.
Anyway, I am not saying I condone anyone cheating. I'm just saying that it may be a sign of desperation, and perhaps they aren't just selfish, slimy jerks. I know I would much rather be with my wife. I just can't get her to notice me.
Hi Peter,
Thanks for your heartfelt comment and you are correct... often people have affairs when their marriages are failing, they have "fallen out of love", and they are indeed, desperate.
In fact, many therapists think of affairs as a sign of desperation, and typically the affair signifies what is going on in the relationship.
Thanks for bringing this point forth. You have inspired me to blog about it today. :-)
Having said this, my hope is to give the idea that, when a relationship gets really bad rather than have an affair which is only going to cause more serious problems, why not take the steps to fix the problems BEFORE the affair rather than after?
In other words, the affair doesn't really fix the problem, it only complicates it and makes it a lot more messy. Marriage problems are much easier to fix BEFORE the affair than after... (ask any therapist.. smile), or if they are unfixable, then a divorce is much healthier and less painful if they happen before an affair as well.
Does that make sense?
I'll blog about this and add a few more thoughts.
Peter, my heart goes out to you and I hope you and your wife can get some help and find some solutions. If you have read much of my blog you know I hold a lot of hope for couples who still want to have a healthy and loving relationship. I'm holding hope for you!
Hugs,
Jennifer
Jennifer:
I wish I had read this posting before I got caught, then lied to my wife about what I had done. I once was her hero; now my wife says she despise me. We have two children who one day will learn that dad strayed.
I am heartsick. Not a day goes by that I don't hate myself. My wife says she no longer wants to be married to me. I am trying, desperately, to show her that I can be the good, intimate man she deserved all along.
I am in counseling, and understand some of the idiotic compulsions that drove me to do such a hurtful thing. But she has given up, she says. And so I struggle alone.
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