How to End an Affair

You are having an affair, you know it is wrong and part of you wants to end it but you can't seem to stop.

How do you end the affair?

I'm going to approach this topic from two perspectives, the emotional and the concrete.

First a little background, regardless of the excuses/justifications for your affair, the answer to your underlying problems is not to have an affair. An affair is an easy way to cover up the problem just as is substances abuse, shopping addictions, or various other activities in which we engage to hide our pain or problems.

But often when one is in the midst of the affair one can't see it. Why?

Because those endorphins that flood our brain during the attraction phase of a relationship are POWERFUL. It feels fabulous to be in that stage of romance. We like it and it is rather like an addiction, pulling us onwward and nearly controlling our thoughts and desires. We feel creative, sexy, wild, empowered, and we have more energy that we ever though possible.

Sometimes the lure of someone new seems better than one's long term relationship that may have moved out of that wild and crazy attraction phase. Maybe the relationship has wilted and suffered over the years. Perhaps the daily demands of a family have thwarted the passion and love that once existed.

So, yes it is not always easy to pull oneself away from an affair, but it is possible and you can do it.

Somewhere deep down, people know an affair is not the answer, nor is it the decent, healthy, honest, moral, or holy way to live.*

So how does one end the affair?

First lets talk about the emotional component.

Start by bringing into your mind the heartache that WILL come when the affair is discovered. Affairs don't usually end until the people are caught. (Unless you read this article and stop the affair today). Think about the pain your spouse will be in when she/he discovers what you are doing. Think of the heartache, the sorrow, the devastation. Think of your children and how they will feel about you. Think about how it may be to actually end your marriage, the divorce, the sorrow, the consequences in every area of your life.

Now, it is easy to dismiss all this but I want you to take it into your heart and ponder it for a while. Allow yourself to really feel what it will be like. Where will you be when you have the discussion to divorce? How will you tell your children you were unfaithful to your family? Where will you live after the divorce? How often will you get to see your children? How will your parents and friends feel about you? What consequences may come forth in your religious experience? Keep in mind that the person with whom you are having an affair will not seem so wonderful to you once that attraction phase is gone, and in spite of your belief that he or she is your soul mate, those emotions are a result of the endorphins currently flooding your brain... nothing else.

Remember the fact that an affair is a selfish behavior that puts your pleasure over the love of your spouse, children, and family; and in most cases over ones sense of morality and decency.

Now, please remember this:

This is not a time to feel sad and remorseful because your affair is ending. You do not mourn or whine. It is a time to celebrate that you have the strength to make the right decision. It is a time to praise yourself that you care more about your family than you do about the affair. Rejoice that you have made a decision that will save your marriage and allow you to recommit to your life partner.

Now, lets discuss the concrete dynamics of ending an affair.

You stop the affair today. Right now. You get up your strength, clear your head, and right now decide it has ended. You don't need to meet one more time, you don't need to explain anything to anyone. You just stop. You call and tell the person it is over and that is it. No elaborate conversation, no tears, no excuses or reasons or justifications. You are clear and blunt and decisive. (I'm not suggesting one is rude or cruel but there is no need for discussion, indeed it is not appropriate and may make it more difficult).

For example:

"I have decided to end this affair and will no longer be seeing you. I wish you the best."

Simple. Memorize the above if you need to. Or come up with a simple statement of your own but be clear and strong.

If you are having an affair with a co-worker or someone you see on a regular basis, do what you can to remove yourself from the situation.

You never allow yourself to be alone with the person again. NEVER. You do everything possible to NOT see the person or engage in a relationship of any sort.

You do not keep seeing each other as friends, you do not allow for temptation, you do not keep it going in your heart.

It is over. Done. Finished.

Promise yourself that from this moment on you will invest in your marriage, make it wonderful, find fulfillment in your family. You will do everything that is necessary to have a healthy and happy marriage.

You can do it! I know you can!

Today!



*Whether one frames the experience in religious or secular terms, there is a sense of living in dishonesty and guilt that is clearly uncomfortable.

Thank you to those who suggested this topic for a post. :-)