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A common complaint many therapists hear from couples is of sexual incongruency or sexual incompatibility in relationship.
For some couples struggling with their relationship, a man may want more sex, while a woman feels their relationship doesn't have enough non-sexual love and romance.
Sound familiar?
A man may try to be more romantic but it may come across to his wife that he is being more romantic so he can have more sex which compounds the problem. A woman may be more sexual but then there seems to be little if any non-sexual romance, again furthering the problem.
What is the solution?
One simple technique that may be helpful for some couples is to set a specific date for sex.
I know it sounds totally unromantic and uncomfortable, but couples may find it completely eliminates the problem and allows for a new fabulous relationship.
Let me elaborate with an example.
If a couple decides that for one month they will only have sex on Saturdays, but they will have sex every Saturday here is what happens.
First, it becomes clear that any romance or love from the husband during the week is not just to have sex but is a genuine reflection of love and care. In other words it frees a woman from feeling the demand for sex or feeling a hug or kiss is always a need for sex.
For a man, he doesn't have to worry about trying to get his wife to agree to have sex because he knows they have a date for sex. There is no question, concern, or worry at all.
Now, for some sex only once a week may not seem sufficient but often a couple will find that the anticipation, expectation, and desire over the week grows stronger and sex becomes even more fabulous.
The week allows for dreams, plans, and an "event" rather than the often more dutiful, routine, or even boring sexual encounter.
The demands for sex or for romance are diffused and become nearly non-existent, while the anticipation and excitement for sex grows and expands.
Now along with the plan hopefully a man will do his best to be loving and romantic, and hopefully a woman will do her best to be sexually interested as well. This goes without saying.
After a specific and agreed to period of time with this new approach to sex, couples may notice a relationship that is more loving, less manipulative, and much more lighthearted and comfortable.
Romance blossoms, the passion comes back, and sexuality is reignited.
For some couples struggling with their relationship, a man may want more sex, while a woman feels their relationship doesn't have enough non-sexual love and romance.
Sound familiar?
A man may try to be more romantic but it may come across to his wife that he is being more romantic so he can have more sex which compounds the problem. A woman may be more sexual but then there seems to be little if any non-sexual romance, again furthering the problem.
What is the solution?
One simple technique that may be helpful for some couples is to set a specific date for sex.
I know it sounds totally unromantic and uncomfortable, but couples may find it completely eliminates the problem and allows for a new fabulous relationship.
Let me elaborate with an example.
If a couple decides that for one month they will only have sex on Saturdays, but they will have sex every Saturday here is what happens.
First, it becomes clear that any romance or love from the husband during the week is not just to have sex but is a genuine reflection of love and care. In other words it frees a woman from feeling the demand for sex or feeling a hug or kiss is always a need for sex.
For a man, he doesn't have to worry about trying to get his wife to agree to have sex because he knows they have a date for sex. There is no question, concern, or worry at all.
Now, for some sex only once a week may not seem sufficient but often a couple will find that the anticipation, expectation, and desire over the week grows stronger and sex becomes even more fabulous.
The week allows for dreams, plans, and an "event" rather than the often more dutiful, routine, or even boring sexual encounter.
The demands for sex or for romance are diffused and become nearly non-existent, while the anticipation and excitement for sex grows and expands.
Now along with the plan hopefully a man will do his best to be loving and romantic, and hopefully a woman will do her best to be sexually interested as well. This goes without saying.
After a specific and agreed to period of time with this new approach to sex, couples may notice a relationship that is more loving, less manipulative, and much more lighthearted and comfortable.
Romance blossoms, the passion comes back, and sexuality is reignited.
44 comments:
Sounds good. It might help.
However, some women just wanna have fun. Without the consequences.
And men must lead all the way.
Thank you, this may be one of the best suggestions I've read in a long time. My wife and I are starting it this week. Worked well on Saturday :-)
Hi Siegfried,
You are so right!
This post was more for those who are stuggling with sexual incompatibility... which of course is not everyone.
It does seem to be a common struggle however! ;-)
Jennifer
Hi Anonymous... :-)
Sometimes we find answers in such little changes.
I'm always amazed how some simple techniques can completely diffuse the problems.
Good luck... :-)
Jennifer
The key word in this post is "manipulative". Whichever partner is doing the controlling, it gets the opposite results of what is actually wanted when one is using romance to get one thing. It is so much sweeter when intimacy is ongoing, not just to get one result.
My wife and I have an appointment for sex. Once a year. It aint working. It just reminds me of what I'm going to miss for the next 364 days.
I think withholding sex is often a tool for getting the other partner to take the lead in what is secretly wanted underneath it all: guilt-free separation.
Hi Anonymous,
Often we act in ways that we hope will get us what we want without consciously even knowing what we are doing. And, then there are times we may become manipulative to get our way.
Hopefully if this sort of dynamic is going on in a relationship, the couple will get some help, look within, and discuss what they want in a healthy and honest way!
Warmest wishes,
Jennifer
Hi Anonymous,
Ohhh once a year? Not so good. :-(
I hope your wife is getting some professional help?
I do not like to see couples fall into that place where sexual intimacy is just nearly non-existent!
I have blogged on female sexual disfunction... you may be interested in the post!
Best of luck to you,
Jennifer
I have the opposite problem. I am a woman who would like to make love to my boyfriend every night. He, on the other hand, feels that the memories of our relationship should reflect more than just sex.
I tend to agree; however, I do not make love just for the memories we make. Planning takes the spontaneity out of it. He's lived a vast life when it comes to sex - threesomes, different places, etc. So he has a "been there, done that" type of attitude. For me, my sex life has been tame, comparatively, and I'm in my first non-long distance relationship, so it's nice to be able to be with someone for more than just a week.
Is the solution to our problem to keep a schedule as well?
I agree, atleast in spirit, with what anonymous said. The 3 to 4 times a year schedule just reminds me how much I would like to have a intimately physical relationship with my wife. At this point it really makes it hurt more - easier just to avoid it altogether. I have suggested the 'schedule' methods tactfully many times but all I get is the 'it should be spontaneous' response. The more time passes I more I am convinced that she just never really was 'in' to me to begin with. But now what do I do - "I want a divorce because you don't like me" sounds silly. Suck it up 'like a man' and just work harder at being positive with other aspects of life? We don't have any kids (ie no sex, no kids) so divorce would not burden any 'innocent bystanders'. Maybe it's me - I mean, what does the "average couple" do. blah..
Hi Rob,
Ahhh somehow I missed your comment until today. I apologize for not responding sooner.
Actually, the "schedule" idea can work in your situation as well.
However they may be more issues going on that would require some therapy.
In some instances, men who have "been there, done that" are less able to perform under normal circumstances.
I would suggest some serious and honest discussion to find out exactly what is going on. Then you can have the information you need to come up with a solution.
Best wishes to you,
Jennifer
Hi Anonymous (9-1),
Thanks for writing.
My heart goes out to you.
A marriage where one partner is not wanting sex of any kind is very difficult to say the least.
I know you know this already. :-)
I would suggest some serious counseling with a professional trained in sex therapy.
There could be many reasons for a woman not being interested in sex, for a few examples: depression, menopause meds, past abuse, etc. etc.
I actually posted on this some time ago... the post is: Why Women Don't Want Sex.
There are many issues that may impact a woman's sexual desire and the good news is there are ways to help.
Would your wife be willing to receive help?
I have to say I admire you for your commitment to your marriage thus far. I know it has not been easy.
Big hugs to you...
Jennifer
Jennifer,
My husband and I are having problems in our relationship. For one, my husband feels that we do not have sex enough. Despite going to school fulltime, working from home, and working once a week in the office, we usually have sex twice during the weekend on average. However, this problem comes up every once in a while. My husband doesn't try to discuss the issue with me. He makes comments about how sexual starved he really is and I try to explain that I try to keep a balance in my life. However, we had a talk yesterday and he still seems to hold the idea that we don't have sex enough. I have told him that I would try to change this, but I am at a loss as how to go forward with this. I feel that scheduling as many days as he wants to be intimate would be a violation of my boundaries and would cause more harm than good, considering the fact that we are already intimate on a twice a week basis. In my opinion, this expression of unhappiness stems from other problems in our relationship. For example, when we fight, we resolve nothing. My husband makes the fight about winning, which he does. I feel suppressed and resentful toward him for it. I don't know how I can help change this situation. I talked with him yesterday about how I felt that when we fight he doesn't show me respect and he said that he would try to change that and in turn, I said that I would try to be more intimate with him. In his e-mail today, I found a link to a website where a guy was discussing how he and his wife were intimate only on a 3 month basis. I can see that being unfair and uncomfortable, but I don't see how that situation and my situation are even commensurate. I feel hopeless and don't know what to do.
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for writing!
First, you made a fabulous observation, you wrote, "In my opinion,
this expression of unhappiness stems from other
problems in our relationship." Yes, I think you are right about
this.
When one feels resentment or anger toward ones partner it is pretty
difficult to be really excited about sex. And, if sex has become a
duty or obligation, again, the excitement is just not there for many
people.
From your post, it sounds like sex is not really about love, passion,
and sharing a fabulous experience together but about accommodating and
managing? Is that about right?
It sounds like you are able to have discussions with your husband, but
they are not exactly productive, beneficial, nor do they resolve the
problem ? This may a place to start. I'm guessing that as the
relationship becomes healthier and as the resentment and frustration
diminishes, the sexual incompatibility will become less of an issue.
I think couples counseling is a great idea and often helps a couple
work through these types of challenges, but I also know many couples
won't take advantage of these services. (smile)
Basically, with or without a counselor, it may be a good idea to focus
on communcation and the dynamics surrounding your feelings of being
disrespected and supressed or diminished as a person. I think this
may be a key component that needs addressing.
I think it is a very good idea to not cross those boundaries you have
set for yourself. When we start behaving in ways that diminish who we
are and what we hold as important, the resentment can really explode
right along with our self esteem and sense of integrity and
authenticity!
As we all know, marriage is about balance, giving and sharing,
supporting and being supported. It is not easy to find that place
where all needs are perfectly met, which is why marriage requires an
enormous amount of creativity! :-) I do think finding the middle
ground and compromising as we can (within our boundaries) is often the
best way to manage these situations when we are on different pages!
Best of luck and big hugs,
Jennifer
I am in the same position as the last person who posted. I want sex about twice a month. My husband wants it 5x a week so I compromise and have agreed to twice a week. If I am exhausted or have had a bad week and miss a time my husband confronts me and complains. I am so incredibly resentful that my feelings are not considered that I put the least effort into it. He is still complaining that his needs are not getting met. He tries to tell me the Bible says that I should have sex with him whenever he wants and he complains and threatens to divorce me to get me to have sex with him more than twice a week. I have just become so resentful that it has only caused me to dig my heals in. Sadly, we have sex twice a week that is not satisfying for either of us. He is creating the very opposite of what he wants....
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 8 years now. We used to make passionate, somestimes crazy, love when we first started dating. When we got our first appartmentment together we started having compatibility issues. We bought a house together and have gotten really close over the years. We have a very strong friendship, but when it comes to love making or getting sexy we're bad news. She's never had an orgasm, and I've never been with a girl that I couldn't bring to orgasm (and I used to be a bit of a man-ho before I met her). She even has difficulty becoming physically aroused - I've never met a girl that had an issue with this either. (I've been trying to work out and get back into shape to that end. I'm 6'4 190, not exactly pudgy) She's ashamed of her body even though I've spent years trying to convince her I'm a fan. She doesn't seem to like to experiment but will occasionally ask me if I want to try something new. We have sex about once every month and a half - I'd say half the time we're drunk together and the other half of the time it's out of pity. She's also ashamed of how little we get sexy - with all the sex on TV and her friends talking about sex she's very aware of how little we make love. You can imagine it's a pretty vicious cicle. I'll start to get ticked off at her every few months until I think about how bad I know she feels. Add in that my performance has gone down the drain - whether it's self confidence, frequency, who knows? I stopped playing video games to try to get more intimate and all I got is more couch time rubbing her feet :-)
This is my last stop before I seriously ask her to see a sex therapist with me. Oh yeah, she hates doctors too :-)
So here's the deal - the warning signs are there when a relationship is young - I chose to ignore them - if you don't have kids and your aren't married and you have a basic incompatability - this is the time to run far away and never look back - I wish someone gave me this advice before engagement before marriage and especially before kids - the signs are there early - trust me - run while you still can!
I have a situation similar to a few I see here. My husband and I are compatible in so many ways and love each other, but the conflict in our marriage ALWAYS involves sex. For him, it's not just about the quantity of sex, but how he wants me to act with him sexually (putting on sexy clothing, exaggerated makeup, etc). I'm okay with some of it, but some of it is uncomfortable for me. It's not a turn-on for me the way it is for him. And he wants to talk about it constantly. I don't.
We have sex about 3 times a week, but he would say that we rarely have sex. My husband usually takes a long time to reach orgasm, which can be tiring to me.
I don't know how to meet in the middle in terms of incompatibility. He's convinced that the problem is mine. Ideas?
My wife and I have been married for over 12 years and we have the recurring problem of...you guessed it ,not enough sex, for me. I understand completely that people's minds,personalities,physiology and daily experiences can be vastly different and affect the sex drive in various ways, I'm OK with that. My difficulty arises from the fact that I have repeatedly had heart to heart talks with my wife explaining my desire for more sex, in particular the need to have her initiate the act. Things improve for a week or two then...fizzle out. I can literally cry when I think of the number of times we've had "the talk". Recently she's even fallen asleep during foreplay, talk about a great ego boost. Not to sound cocky but my job involves daily travel(home every night) and I regularly get hit on, make great money and work-out daily. I'm great to her, she tells me constantly. I'm confused,broken-hearted,and tired of feeling resentful all the time. I feel like there's absolutely nothing else I can do to change my situation. I'm just tired of trying and failing.
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women want it at night men in the morning, or both??? that is semi-incopatibility
My ex and I just split up. I wanted sex and he didn't. Unless it was with his hand in front of a porn video. I used to enjoy watching porn with partners. Now, it only reminds me that it is taking my place in the bedroom. He has no performance problems, he just doesn't seem to want to have sex. He says he's very attracted to me, but obviously, after all we've been through, I have my doubts. I've tried to be patient. So much for that. I gave up.
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My girlfriend refuses to schedule sex. She says that we have to just "go with the flow" and do it when we just magically come together, without either partner vocalizing desire or trying to seduce the other. When I try to come onto her, she shuts down and gets upset. Then I get pissed because we only have sex like once a month, sometimes rarely twice. I brought up trying to schedule sex, and she refuses even to try it because she says that scheduling it makes it like just another chore that has to be done. She says that if it feels like a chore it will never happen. I am losing patience with this woman and do not know what to do. I never stop showing her affection even when she turns me down. I don't try manipulating her by withdrawing affection to get what I want. I just continue to be myself, but she just continues refusing me. I am an inch from breaking up with her. We have only been together 9 months and we are already dealing with this problem. I fear that marrying her will only make it worse. Any advice would be helpful.
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For the man who has been dating his girlfriend for only 9 months and is already experiencing incompatibility, I am going through the exact same, only I am a woman and he only wants to do it about once every six weeks and we have been together for a little over a year. He blames antidepressants. We have had the awkward and painful conversations about 'why don't you want sex with me?' And there have been promises to attempt changing meds or trying enhancements, agreeing to more frequency...that has never happened. The conversations get swept under the rug. I am constantly assured he finds me sexy and beautiful and he desires me but there is rarely action. In addition the quality of the sex is awful. He is finished far too quickly and I am left feeling used and disgusted. I think I need to end the relationship and yet all non sexual aspects of it are good, he is a wonderful person. The hard part in these situations is that you find yourself wanting to seek out a new relationship but *not because you do not love your SO. Only because of the misery lack of physical intimacy causes.
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