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You had a few great years, then the relationship started to die. The fire and passion that was once there is gone. The love and connection is absent. Even the friendship and companionship doesn't seem very alive.
What do you do?
Some women and men may look for someone new.
A new romance is enticing and lots of fun. Why? Because during that initial phase of attraction the mind and body are flooded with wonderful chemicals that create feelings of vibrancy and joy. When we get those endorphins in our system, we feel alive and happy and on a wild "high."
This has NOTHING TO DO WITH REAL GENUINE LOVE.
Please ponder this for a few minutes....(repeat it over and over if necessary)!
Those crazy endorphins that enter our system during the attraction phase of a relationship, and get us thinking we have found the love of our lives are NOT what it means to actually love a person. They were invented by our animal ancestors millions of years ago, and passed along to us to get us to mate so as to further our species. Again, this is NOT love.
When your marriage feels dead, the answer is not to just go off and find someone else so you can get some endorphins, the answer is to work on the relationship and create real love. True love doesn't just happen, it is developed and created.
But the big question is: how does one rekindle, reignite, and revive the relationship?
Let me give you a five specific ideas.
1. Care for your partner. Do all you can to express love, kindness, and care. You give, and give and give to the relationship.
Research shows that the more you give to another, the more YOU love the person to whom you give. This may seem counter intuitive. It may appear that the more you give to another the more they love and appreciate you, but it is absolutely true that the more you give, the more YOU love.
Obviously, as you give to another he or she may also appreciate you as well, but giving to the relationship is about YOU rekindling love toward your partner.
2. Enjoy time together. If you are involved together in joyful activities, enjoyable moments, and fun events, you will bond more deeply. When people share happy times they grow together. Unite by enjoying time together.
3. Create wonderful memories. Memories are like deep roots that bond and hold a couple together. A relationship cannot exist solely on the past experiences, but having wonderful times together, to look upon and reflect upon often remind us of our love and care for each other. When things get tough we have a past to hold to as we work through challenges.
4. Fill your heart with gratitude and appreciation toward your partner. Sometimes a person may not feel love toward a partner but gratitude and appreciation is something more easily created. Notice everything wonderful about your spouse, look for the great things about him or her, keep your mind and spirit filled with the fabulous traits and characteristics. Remember, true love is not just those endorphins but it is about deep care and closeness.
5. Share yourself. This is not easy but very important, perhaps essential for true intimacy and love. A truly loving and intimate relationship requires sharing oneself with your partner. It means risking, opening up, being vulnerable. It means a couple share their hearts with each other. Without this sharing, a relationship may be comfortable but it is not the intimate loving relationship that may be what you are looking for.
And just for fun... one more thing! Enjoy thrilling times together. The same chemicals that create sexual attraction and bonding during sex are the ones that flood our systems during times of extreme excitement. For example, sky diving, riding a roller coaster, or bungee jumping! IOW, thrilling experiences are an aphrodisiac! (This is not about love but it is a fun little way to spark some passion).
A final thought. Proceed into the relationship with the expectation that you will revive the relationship. Hold the truth in your heart that your relationship can indeed be vibrant, healthy, fulfilling, and wildly loving!
Again, true love is not just the endorphins floating through our system.
Real love is much more than this.
I guarantee you that you can absolutely revive your relationship if you do the work.
*Please note, this post is directed toward relationships that are unhealthy but NOT those that are experiencing more difficult issues like spousal abuse that require professional assistance for healing.
What do you do?
Some women and men may look for someone new.
A new romance is enticing and lots of fun. Why? Because during that initial phase of attraction the mind and body are flooded with wonderful chemicals that create feelings of vibrancy and joy. When we get those endorphins in our system, we feel alive and happy and on a wild "high."
This has NOTHING TO DO WITH REAL GENUINE LOVE.
Please ponder this for a few minutes....(repeat it over and over if necessary)!
Those crazy endorphins that enter our system during the attraction phase of a relationship, and get us thinking we have found the love of our lives are NOT what it means to actually love a person. They were invented by our animal ancestors millions of years ago, and passed along to us to get us to mate so as to further our species. Again, this is NOT love.
When your marriage feels dead, the answer is not to just go off and find someone else so you can get some endorphins, the answer is to work on the relationship and create real love. True love doesn't just happen, it is developed and created.
But the big question is: how does one rekindle, reignite, and revive the relationship?
Let me give you a five specific ideas.
1. Care for your partner. Do all you can to express love, kindness, and care. You give, and give and give to the relationship.
Research shows that the more you give to another, the more YOU love the person to whom you give. This may seem counter intuitive. It may appear that the more you give to another the more they love and appreciate you, but it is absolutely true that the more you give, the more YOU love.
Obviously, as you give to another he or she may also appreciate you as well, but giving to the relationship is about YOU rekindling love toward your partner.
2. Enjoy time together. If you are involved together in joyful activities, enjoyable moments, and fun events, you will bond more deeply. When people share happy times they grow together. Unite by enjoying time together.
3. Create wonderful memories. Memories are like deep roots that bond and hold a couple together. A relationship cannot exist solely on the past experiences, but having wonderful times together, to look upon and reflect upon often remind us of our love and care for each other. When things get tough we have a past to hold to as we work through challenges.
4. Fill your heart with gratitude and appreciation toward your partner. Sometimes a person may not feel love toward a partner but gratitude and appreciation is something more easily created. Notice everything wonderful about your spouse, look for the great things about him or her, keep your mind and spirit filled with the fabulous traits and characteristics. Remember, true love is not just those endorphins but it is about deep care and closeness.
5. Share yourself. This is not easy but very important, perhaps essential for true intimacy and love. A truly loving and intimate relationship requires sharing oneself with your partner. It means risking, opening up, being vulnerable. It means a couple share their hearts with each other. Without this sharing, a relationship may be comfortable but it is not the intimate loving relationship that may be what you are looking for.
And just for fun... one more thing! Enjoy thrilling times together. The same chemicals that create sexual attraction and bonding during sex are the ones that flood our systems during times of extreme excitement. For example, sky diving, riding a roller coaster, or bungee jumping! IOW, thrilling experiences are an aphrodisiac! (This is not about love but it is a fun little way to spark some passion).
A final thought. Proceed into the relationship with the expectation that you will revive the relationship. Hold the truth in your heart that your relationship can indeed be vibrant, healthy, fulfilling, and wildly loving!
Again, true love is not just the endorphins floating through our system.
Real love is much more than this.
I guarantee you that you can absolutely revive your relationship if you do the work.
*Please note, this post is directed toward relationships that are unhealthy but NOT those that are experiencing more difficult issues like spousal abuse that require professional assistance for healing.
19 comments:
If both people willingly followed those suggestions, there would be far fewer divorces. Good post Jnenifer !
This is not necessarily the way to go.
You don't rekindle or revive a boring or loveless relationship by doing all the right things. You end up becoming the victim in this way.
Sexuality is probably the strongest factor of all. There should be more work done in this area.
Remember too that neediness kills attraction in any kind of encounter.
Hi Annie...
I actually wrote this specifically for a woman who wrote to me who stated she had a fabulous husband but didn't feel the love.
You are right, when two people do all they can to make the relationship work, there is a GREAT chance it will be wonderful!
XO,
jen
Hi Anonymous...
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. :-)
I think this IS the way to go for people who want to make their relationship fulfilling and loving!
The answer to a relationship that has lost that initial wild spark is not to find another partner but to rekindle the spark.. and it most certainly can be done if a couple is willing to do the work! :-) There is really no question about this.
I do not think doing one's best to create a loving relationship equates to being a victim or needy. In fact, I think having the strength to commit and do what is necessary to keep a relationship alive is really about integrity and many wonderful attributes of a person!
I'm not sure what you mean, that "sex is the most important factor of all"... Hmmm would you care to clarify a bit? (smile).
Again, if we want to heal a relationship we must invest the required energy and care!
Warmest wishes,
jennifer
Of course, I understand what you mean.
But let's not forget that marriage or any love relationship is based on sexual love. And not on the idea of bringing offsprings into the world who will be very successful and even famous in the future.
It is not a partnership or a company based on the ideal of looking good in the eyes of other people.
It has nothing to do with staying together and getting rich and famous.
Jen,
This is excellent. All couples should read this. We can revive relationships if we are willing to do the labor of love that is required. THese are all great suggestions on how to revive a relationship that has gone stale.
I have a wonderful relationship that is currently being challenged because my partner is grieving over the recent death of a loved one and that grief has made him unavailable to me.
It's been tough for me to know how to hanging in there.
Your post was just the shot in the arm I needed.
Don't let passion override compassion. Be strong enough. But don't be a wussy.
Take responsibility.
Hey Mark...
Thanks for your wisdom. :-) You always provide important insight!
I hope you had a nice holiday!
Hugs,
jen
Hi T. Dorsey,
I'm glad this post gave you a little hope! :-)
We certainly do go through difficult times, they can either tear us apart or make us stronger and closer!
Best wisthes to you sweetie,
Jen
Hi Siegfried,
Yes, we truly do need to take responsibility for our choices, behaviors, and relationships!
Thanks for your comments!
jennifer
Hi dear Salihah,
Of course I remember you... I've missed you too!
I'm so happy to see you back online and I will check out your blog for SURE!
You are such a delightful sparkle in my cyberworld!
Love to you,
Jennifer
I enjoyed reading your posting. You've mentioned some great ideas to help spouses communicate their love and care for each other. I'm in the process of doing these things right now to rekindle my marriage, and it is working. Thanks for sharing these helpful tips.
Sincerely, Solomon Shulamite
http://marriageloveintimacypassionsex.blogspot.com
Let's say a woman,
When she began to date a guy, she is in a state of perfect crystallization of this guy. This is common. Everyone does it at least once.
However, the flaws began to reveal over time and that perfect crystal ball is shattered. Shock, frustrated, and the romance dies.
In my opinion, for a romance to have a chance to rekindle, 2 people must take a step to accept each other's flaw. Every one has flaw, you just don't see it when you are first surrounded with the thought of being happily ever after during your first date.
Hi,
The problem with me is I feel like I give so much more than my partner does and it hurts. I hate feeling like I love him more. It seems like he doesn't know how to express his love. I keep giving and giving and I feel like I get nothing in return...any suggestions on how to solve that problem?
-Giver
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Well i personally agree! I almost left my longterm boyfriend because i was searching for that new relationship high, but couldnt because i love him. We talked n then i read this article and it fit perfectly with what im feeling!
Hi, I'm very interested in rekindling my marriage and I assume my husband is too. However, I'm sure there are things that I'm lacking and visa-versa but I feel that all of the long talks about our marriage and not to get too personal but about more intimacy I feel that he's avoiding the problem and unwilling to work on it. When I talk to him about it I feel that he takes it like I'm pressuring him or telling him what to do when my intentions are not to pressure him or control him but to let him know that I feel that we have a problem.
My real question is, how do I rekindle intimacy in my marriage if I feel that my husband is not willing to meet me half way?
Let me just clarify it's not that he's unwilling to be intimate with me it's more about how frequent we are intimate which is days or sometimes weeks too long.
Thank you for your time and help,
Annette
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