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Most of us feel anger at some time in our relationships.
While anger is not in itself a bad thing, allowing it to control us is.
Having worked with numerous men and some women convicted of domestic violence, I believe controlling, managing, and diffusing anger is a vital component of a healthy and happy relationship.
There are of course many techniques to help control anger, and each person responds differently to various methods of anger management.
Here are four very general techniques to help manage anger.
1. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. There are numerous methods for keeping us calm, peaceful, relaxed, and de-stressed. It is important to get enough sleep, to nourish our bodies, to know what helps one feel peaceful, and to do whatever works to remove stress.
Many people find exercise crucial to reducing stress. Some enjoy yoga or meditation, others may enjoy spending time in nature or participating in a hobby relaxing.
2. Know what it is that pushes your buttons and avoid and/or prepare for those situations. For a few examples....if you know you get easily angered when you are tired or are drinking take note! Make sure you get your required sleep and do not interact with others if you are drinking. If you know trying to get things done under pressure gets you easily irritated, stop putting off what can be done earlier.
3. Have a plan. When you are feeling well and calm, take some time to create a plan for those times you may get angry. Maybe you need a few minutes to calm down before you engage in conversation. Perhaps a quick run around the block will give you a few minutes to calm yourself. Create a specific plan that you know will work for you.
4. Work on personal self-improvement. Those who are continually trying to improve themselves often find better ways to manage their emotions. When we become aware of our personal issues, and when we can honestly acknowledge we need to improve various aspects of our personal life, we tend to move toward finding better ways to interact with loved ones and others.
Taking care of yourself, having a plan, doing what you can to manage and diffuse anger can make a world of difference in your relationships.
25 comments:
Thank you Jennifer. Excellent.
Hi Marc...
Thanks a bunch. :-)
Sometimes the simplist things can make huge differences!
Warmest wishes,
jen
I was convicted of domestic abuse by a woman who verbally abused me for a year, broke my knee and punched me in the face.
I pushed her away after she assaulted me and yes, i spat at her twice after sitting through 25 of 50 hours long outbursts.
My dearly beloved used a domestic violence group to lie to court officials about me.
EVERY person i sought help from turned me away. I called police, talked to doctors etc.
Once a week i am abused by a manhating bitch for my probation and my crime of being a man.
My wife needed a greencard and an operation and her manhating pals and selling me out cost me much freedom and the money i was to use to get an operation for myself.
As long as women blame the man for any donestic problem i am quite sure that there will be many women getting a beating.
Sorry to vent but i say these things so that hopefully when you come accross a male victim of domestic abuse you string the bitch up by a pole the way men are treated.
Domestic abuse is so often a scam used by unfaithful women and immigrants. People who simply blame the male are enabling the woman to sell her soul.
Women who sell their soul in this fashion will pay immensely.
You want to stop domestic violence ? Punish the women who do it. Recently i saw my wife talking about her partners on a blog. It was enough to make me want to puke.
Am i bitter ? absolutely. Will someone pay ? absolutely
Keep blaming the man honey, it will keep you in a job
to clarify, i never beat nor abused this woman.
All i did was push her away.
Did i make mistakes ? absolutely
Who pays for it ?
I do. She gets a free ride and i am punished for oushing an assailant away from me.
My wife assaulted me and nothing was done.
Hi Anon..
Ahhhh I'm very sorry for your situation.
Our legal system is certainly not a perfect one, and unfortuantely there are situations that prove this.
My post was not meant to blame anyone but to alert us all to the dangers of violence and anger, particularly in relationships. And to give some simple ideas on managing anger before it gets out of hand.
I truly believe both women and men need to figure out appropriate ways to manage anger, or else, as you so clearly demonstrate, horrific things can happen.
While in my experience men more than women are convicted of domestic violence, you are absolutely correct that women are guilty of DV as well. I have worked with many of them.
There are men with families in various DV shelters, women in therapy for harming men... absolutely!
Thank you for reminding us all that violent behavior is a problem for women as well as men.
Again, I appreciate your thoughts and wish you well...
Warm wishes,
Jennifer
Hi Anon... one other thing just to clarify, I no longer work for an agency dealing with domestic violence issues.
JJ
Thanks for not flying off the handle on me Jen. This women had about 50 outbursts and after #25 i had been virtually silent long enough. I spat at her.
Shortly after she broke my kneecap.
The shelter she went to lied to the local court system , police lied etc. She went to the shelter twice, i called police 3 times and everytime they said since she wasn't abused there was nothing that could be done.
She could even fix things between us but she obviously wanted out and decided a year of setting me up was worth it instead of simply moving back home to where she came from.
Here is what is sick. Now i go to abuse classes as the supposed aggressor and i have a good grasp on how the psychological trap affects the victims. I miss her sometimes. I have little hope for reconciilliation and less that we would ever repair what is left of our marraige. Why do i miss her ?
I do forgive her since she has lived with a physical deformity that the shelter promised to repair. Havig lived with such a problem must have taken it's toll.
If not for her past being so difficult i wouldn't excuse her behavior and quite frankly i couldn't forgive it.
The people that worked to convict me have no excuse and i won't rest until they regret what they have done with every fiber of their being.
We were together a year and a half. Any idea when i can bury her and be completely rid of her ? A previous girlfriend offered herself to me and i couldn't accept. In the year we are apart i have met a few womenm but can't seem to be romantic with them in person.
Do you have any suggestions on having my ex and her cohorts prosecuted ? We are to be divorced soon and quite frankly i just cant let this go on the present terms.
I know i touched on many subjects here and i appreciate any input you have .
I'd like to say you are a rare gem in the coal mine of Domestic Violence professionals i have encountered.
I recently came accross some pix of a woman having sex. Sadly it looks like my wife. Similar birthmarks, a repaired cleft pallette and a tatoo like she mentioned she wanted. Man, this hurts bad. The woman looks kinda sad at the end of the photos. Please offer a way to forget this woman.
I have two anonymous' with questions so this reply is for the first one with DV charges... :-)
Hi Anon... :-)
I'm glad you replied! I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. I'm guessing you will be attending classes for some time, paying for them... constant reminders of everything that has gone on in your relationship. It is difficult to move on when one is sort of stuck in the process.
It sounds like the first thing that needs to happen is for you and your wife to decide if you want to work things out.
I'm a FIRM believer that the majority of relationships can be healthy and happy IF (this is a big if), BOTH partners are willing to do the work! :-)
In unhealthy relationships with a "history" it seems that one partner's commitment is just not enough... it takes two.
If you and your wife decide that you do want to work things out, it will take work... lots of it but healing is possible and many couples find their relationship stronger and healthier after working through some serious trials.
If you and your wife decide NOT to work things out then there are specific techniques to work through your grief, sorrow, and pain.
You miss her because you shared your life with her for some time and even if the relationship was unhealthy, my guess is that there were good times as well, and you probably gave a lot of yourself to the relationship. This sort of thing doesn't just go away... IOW, you don't get over it over night. :-(
If you want to prosecute the agency, I would suggest getting a good lawyer who is familiar with issues of abuse. Also you may contact an agency that deals with the rights of men... they may have some support for you.
To share just a few personal thoughts with you... take care of yourself. Your situation is filled with a lot of pain and hurt and emotions can be all over the place. It sometimes helps to step back a little and do whatever you can to move away from the anger.
Anger is a powerful emotion and while totally appropriate at times can really eat at us if we let it... ya know?
Please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish... and thank you for your kind compliment.
Blessings and peace to you,
Jennifer
This is for the second anon... :-)
Hi Anon...
This is a difficult and heartbreaking situation for sure, if the woman is indeed your wife.
You ask how to get over this woman but you say she is your wife?
Are you married to her? If so, are you wanting a divorce?
I would suggest that before you do anything you discuss the issue with your wife and figure out what is going on. Is the woman is indeed her... Does she want to remain in the relationship...do you? Are you both willing to work toward a healthy marriage, etc. etc.
As I often mention, I truly believe most marriages can be healthy and happy if both partners are willing to work! It is not easy and your situation is a huge challenge for sure, but it is possible.
There are many ways to help with the hurt and heartbreak of infidelity. There are some great support groups for starters. Basically, one needs to work through and process the emotions, which are many.
It is a sorrowful time but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Our hearts can mend and we can move beyond the pain.
My heart goes out to you...
Warmest wishes,
Jen
Hi Jen, sadly I am both Anon's.
After seeing these pictures and what she has done, letting it sink in has led me to the conclusion that i am better off without her.
Maybe it is not her but quite frankly it wouldn't surprise me. I haven't seen her in a year, I've read her blog and not once have i seen anything but negativaty from her.
You are correct about the classes. Every week I am blamed for and reminded about what has happened to me. When the classes are done I think I will be able to wash myself of her and move on. I was suspended and assessed 5 extra classes for protesting my innocence in the classes but since my time there is shortening i just pretend to apologize for what they tell me i did wrong. The costs are a drain but not crippling.
Even the men's groups have turned there backs on me since I was convicted of this. Roughly 25% of the men who attend were wronged by the woman.
My religous faith tells me that these women will pay dearly and that helps a lot.
Thanks for your time and attention.
Hi Anon...
Ahhhh... I'm sorry for the pain you must be enduring.
It sounds like you are wanting to move on with your life. While I do think many relationships can be saved, it is also true that there are those times when it is best to let go of unhealthy relationships in order to be in a more healthy place.
I think I have a previous post about how to respectfully separate if you are interested.
My hope for you is that you can focus on healing your life and moving toward that which is good, and let go of the past so it doesn't prevent you from going foward.
It is so NOT easy... I know. But it is the only way to live fully in the present.
Allow yourself time to work through it all. Give yourself room to feel the pain and sorrow and then let your soul release it.
My heart goes out to you... right along with blessings of peace!
Jen
We have been seperated for 1 year, Jen.
I guess all i need now is more time away from her.
I have met some women online that seem nice.
It's just one day at a time. I don't think i can let this go without revenge though. My wife and her pals surgically damaged my life and to let them win would be a travesty. These pictures, although they hurt could be just waht i need. The shock of seeing them is subsiding. They are published publicly and dropping the link to them in certain places may be the needed medicine for me.
I know it's possibly cruel to do so, but she obviously wanted attention by having them taken. Like they say, be careful what you wish for.
Hi Anon...
I'm going to share my thoughts here as a "cyber" friend not a therapist K? Disregard if you wish but know I'm expressing my opinion out of care K?
I totally understand revenge... While I can't experience the pain you are in, I can imagine how it must hurt.
But what would be really sad is if you let those feeings of anger and revenge take over your life and diminish what is possible in the future.
I just sense such hurt and sorrow beneath the (justifiable) anger and I believe that revenge won't really take it away. What will help is to do what you can to bring health and healing into your life.
It is sort of like when someone is in a dark cave and they try to get light by fighting the darkness with darkness... what takes away the darkness is to bring in light.
I just believe that your pain will subside as you find the goodness, and I wish for the suffering to be released from your spirit.
As you share your experience, I get a glimpse of what is in your heart... wanting a good relationship, accepting imperfection, tolerating beyond what one would normally endure. I see a very forgiving heart which has just been pushed beyond its limits.
So much goodness there.... whatever you decide to do, I hope the goodness outshines everything else!
Warmest wishes to you...
Jen
Thank you for the encouragement, Jen. I do think i have been pushed past my limits, the pictures, if her are more than i can bear.
I wont use them malicously against her but unfortunately she will attempt to have yet another restraining order levied against me. I need to show that she is unbalanced. I spent the last year assembling documents proving my case. Once she admitted to an officer i called that she was hitting herself and was planning on blaming me.
With this information and the pictures i can prove that she is selfabusive and when she feels bad about what she has done she simply blames me for it.
I guess i will have my vengeance in a legal way where as always, all i am trying to do is pretect myself.
I truly pity this woman. Oddly if the pictures arent her i could possibly forgive her. The birthmarks and 2 spots from sun cancer { cured } are pretty tough to ignore. The woman has a tattoo that would be pretty hard to ignore also. When i knew her she didn't have one but it's in the location she always wanted one.
I haven't published the link to the page this woman is on and do not plan to do so unless i am continuously attacked.
Thanks again
Hi Anon....
Just promise me you won't do anything to get yourself in trouble K? Nothing that you will regret in years to come! :-)
I get the sense that, in spite of your pain and sorrow, your goodness will prevent you from acting with cruelty. Am I right?
And please, take care of yourself...
Blessings and peace to you,
Jen
Yes, I won't do anything cruel but if she takes one more shot at me i will use it in my defense.
Unfortunately my wife has crossed many lines. Hopefully we will divorce and that is the only court proceding i will endure.
I have a restraining order ending this week. If she tries to renew then I will use the police reports and pictures to display her continuing self destructive nature.
If she continues to be cruel, i suppose i will also be cruel.
None of our common friends know about these pictures and i can keep it that way on my end.
What would you do if you were constantly harassed by an abuser then you found recent porno material ?
I've come close to jail because of her. I don't know that these publicly posted pictures are her. She obviously posed for them. What was she thinking ?
Hi Anon... :-)
Having a pretty good awareness of probation, courts, and Domestic Violence I just want you to be safe and not do anything that will get you in trouble... ya know?
I've seen folks act on revenge only to have it backfire and create more problems.
It is fine to use the legal system to take care of injustice, for sure. It is all about how the situation is handled.
So... take good care of yourself K?
Best wishes,
Jen
Thanks, Jen
I just want this woman gone 100%.
Chatting with you like this and time has helped a lot.
Thanks.
Hi Anon...
I believe it is important to listen to our heart... if it says time to move on, it is probably correct!
Blessings to you... and I'm always here if you need to vent or share! :-)
Jen
Thanks Jen.
Tomorrow i find out if she wants to renew a restraining order.
If she doesn't show then she will never hear from me again.
Hi Jen.
No restraining order !!
it looks like i have to appear for the divorce tho.
At least i am no longer held by this womans' whims.
Thanx for the good wishes. What you wished for me has come true so far.
Hi again , update: Wife went to the court the day after the restraing order was heard and took out a new one.
No evidence needed of course. I think these pictures will be used now to the fullest extent possible.
Naturally i wont publicize them but if my friend who is one of my lawyer sees them i don't think he will be prevented from telling anyone he sees fit about them.
If she denies the pictures are her then they can also be sent to anyone as normal email as long as there is no reference to my wife.
This woman scammed me for a greencard and she apparently wants to pay more for her sins.
I was willing to walk away but this woman
Hi Anon... thanks for the update!
Darn... :-( I was hoping the situation would resolve itself.
Just stay safe and don't do anything to get yourself in trouble K? You know what I mean? Keep working through the legal system to resolve the problems.
Hang in there...
Jen
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