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The Questions we ask ourselves determine the answers we get.
Our brains are utterly amazing and will answer the questions we ask... I'm not saying the answers are always right or true but, answer our brains will.
I think this phenomenon is a key to life in general but I particularly find it important in relationships. When we may be struggling a little, or not feeling fulfilled, or not happy with our circumstances the questions we ask ourselves may not be in our best interest or in the best interest of our relationship.
Let me give you some common examples of unhelpful questions and typical answers....
How come he doesn't give me attention like he used to? Answer: He doesn't love me.
How come she is never in the mood? Answer: She is no longer interested in sex.
Why is he always so grumpy? Answer: He is tired and taking after his father.
Why is she so moody and irritable? Answer: She is out of control and hormonal.
When is he ever going to help out around the house? Answer: NEVER.
When is she ever going to stop getting us in dept? Answer: NEVER.
The answers to these questions, which will be answered by our brains confirm the underlying assumption and do not provide answers that help the situation.
If we change the questions though, we have a chance at making some improvements in our relationship and finding answers that may make a big difference in our lives.
Some more appropriate questions might me similar to the following...
What can I do to help her be more comfortable? Answer: Help more around the house.
What can I do to help him relax? Answer: Play some soft music and light a few candles.
Is there anything I can do to make our environment more peaceful? Answer, work on my attitude.
How can I bring more intimacy into our relationship? Answer, be more affectionate and caring.
It is the questions that we ask that determine the answers we get.
If we want to get answers that will help and strengthen our relationship, we must ask the right questions.
2 comments:
I am going to play devil's advocate for a moment. I don't think it is as easy as you are describing. Why? Because I believe we first have to go through the negative response questions. "Why didn't she come to the game with me?" She's embarrassed by me. "How come he doesn't pursue intimacy in bed any more?" He's having an affair.
If everything were just hunky-dory you wouldn't have to ask yourself any questions. I know that it won't be perfect but if you accept and are happy with what you have you are OK.
In order to be at the point where you are HAVING to ask yourself such questions you probably had the negative one first. If you did have those negative questions already aren't you going to be influenced by the negative answers you have rolling around in your mind?
I think I am simplyfing it too much, after all sometimes we do think of something nice to do for our partner (probably more women than men) and expect nothing in return.
Hi George... thanks as always for your thoughts. :-) Yeah, this isn't the cure all for every difficult relationship, it is just a little way to help us change our thoughts and come up with new ways to keep the relationship alive.
As you suggest there are certainly times when we need to look at serious problems... absolutely!
Its just sometimes when we focus on the all the little negative things we get stuck... if we change our focus towards something positive, good things happen! :-)
Hope your day is a great one George, :-)
Jen
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