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Occasionally, I get asked, "how does one know when to end a long term relationship if it is not healthy".
My response typically consists of two replies.
First... before you make any decisions, make your relationship the very best you can possibly make it.
Too many people make big decisions in the heat of the moment, when they are upset or when things are going really badly. My observation is that this is not the best time to make those life altering decisions.
Better to do whatever you can to make the relationship the best it could possibly be, then decide if this is still not good enough to remain in the relationship.
What we sometimes do, is decide that the relationship is not that great, not fulfilling, or not as exciting as it once was and so we must move on, when in truth the relationship may not be that great because it is not be attended to or mistakes have been made.
If, after doing everything possible, the relationship is unhealthy, hurtful, and life draining, then you are in a better place to make a decision.
Secondly... only you can know when the unhealthiness is hurting you and others. Only you can know when there is no hope left. Only you. No one else. You need to think, ponder, contemplate, and then....listen to your heart.
While there are certainly appropriate times and situations to end a long term relationship, I believe that if two people who once deeply loved each other, do everything in their power to heal their relationship, it is possible (and often a reality) to bring back the beauty that was once there.
I'm not saying it is easy. I'm saying it is possible.
12 comments:
You are right Jennifer,it is not easy but as you say it is possible.My wife and I look back and laugh now as we think of the numerous times one or the other was thinking of packing it in.
The thing is we both said that if we would have split at some point,we definitely would have gotten back together down the road.
It would have been one of those cases of a couple divorcing and then getting married again down the road. So I am glad we have avoided that whole scenario. By putting the work into it. Great post for the day!
Health and Prosperity,
Romain Levesque
Hi Romain... Ohhhh you guys are a perfect example of working through the difficult times. I think many young people have this romanicized notion of what is a relationship and don't realize the "happily every after" idea is a fairy tale. I have yet to meet a long term healthy relationship that hasn't worked through some challenges! :-) You have such a wonderful story! Wishing you a great day! Jen
Hi Jen.
I am in the early stages of trying to get my relationship to the best possible stage it can be. However it seems so hard when my partner does not have the belief of it ever working out due to ongoing mistakes and pain endured to her in the past. I am so determined and committed to making our relationshio work. Should i persist and prove to her that our relationship can really improve provided work, nourishment and effort is made? I really do not want to let go of what we have however, she is making that much more difficult by not having the right attitude and mindset. What if we never see the very best of our relationship due to it being 100 50 and not 100 100 like it should be? If we never see the best then how do we know it that it is the right time to let go?
I only wish my partner would have tried counselling before making the decision to leave (after 10 years). We separated 6 months ago. I have been to counselling myself and am discovering a lot about myself, that I have some codependent traits to work on. I also think a lot of my behaviour stemmed from fear - fear he would not commit, that he would leave, and he did.
I only wish he would give us a second chance, but it seems that is not to be.
He is dating someone else, so I am not sure if I should be talking to him about us now. A few weeks ago he contacted me to talk about what we've both been going through. He talked very briefly and left it at that. I find it so hard. I love him, but he left.
I only wish my partner would have tried counselling before making the decision to leave (after 10 years). We separated 6 months ago. I have been to counselling myself and am discovering a lot about myself, that I have some codependent traits to work on. I also think a lot of my behaviour stemmed from fear - fear he would not commit, that he would leave, and he did.
I only wish he would give us a second chance, but it seems that is not to be.
He is dating someone else, so I am not sure if I should be talking to him about us now. A few weeks ago he contacted me to talk about what we've both been going through. He talked very briefly and left it at that. I find it so hard. I love him, but he left.
Hi Anonymous, 5-6,
Thanks for writing! :-)
Breaking up after ten years is heartwrenching.... I'm glad you are in counseling! Good job for taking care of yourself!
Perhaps it would be a good idea to acknowledge that you are willing to work on the relationship if your former partner is willing, but to also continue to move foward with your own healing.
The thing is, if your partner is unwilling to give the realationship one last shot, there is not much you can do to heal it. :-(
What you can do is exactly what you are doing; working to deal with the pain, discovering more about yourself, going through the grieving process.
It takes time and is not an easy process but you will get through it... I promise! :-)
I have written several articles about the need to take care of yourself after a breakup, you can search for them, but basically, now is the time to really do everything you can to get you through this difficult period in your life.
My heart goes out to you...hugs,
Jennifer
Why do you think it is so easy for the one who does the leaving? Have they processed everything before they actually go?
Although my ex now says sometimes he misses me a lot and it hurts, he doesn't want anything more than friendship. He's already in another relationship - a few months out of a 10 year relationship. How could he not see that would hurt me? How could he be ready for that?
I think he felt relief when he left because the pressure of marriage and children was off. Instant relief. No one will be asking him that for a long time.
Thanks Jennifer,
He knew, when I finally pushed him to tell me what was going on, that I wanted to try counselling. I'm not sure what the point would be to say it now. He's seeing someone else. If I say it now, that opens me up to rejection AGAIN.
But doing the 'friends' thing isn't something I can handle right now. I want a real relationship with him, not emails, not online chats, a real relationship. It seems I am not ready to accept anything less than that. But really, that's all he is offering.
I think his attitude is how can we be more if we can't be friends...well you don't just leave a 10 year relationship thinking like that. You gave up without trying. I am angry with myself for fooling myself there was any sort of commitment!
Hi Anonymous,
You sound like you have done a really great job knowing where you are at and establishing boundaries.
I think it is very important, especially during these difficult times to listen to your gut and take care of yourself. If you need time to process the pain, then allow yourself the time. If you need space, then take it.
You mention that you are angry with yourself... this is normal and one of those feelings that come to us as we sort through the sorrow and confusion. I offer the idea to let that go when you are ready. We do the best we can and when things don't work out it is an experience from which we can learn, an event to explore to teach us about ourselves.
In terms of the one leaving... there could be all sorts of reasons people leave a long term relationship; hard to say exactly what is going on in another's mind.
You may never have all the answers and it may not ever make sense, but it sounds like you know this man well and can make some pretty good guesses.
Are you taking care of yourself? Is counseling going well for you?
I'm sure thinking about you!
Hugs,
Jennifer
Why do you think it is so easy for the one who does the leaving? Have they processed everything before they actually go?
Although my ex now says sometimes he misses me a lot and it hurts, he doesn't want anything more than friendship. He's already in another relationship - a few months out of a 10 year relationship. How could he not see that would hurt me? How could he be ready for that?
I think he felt relief when he left because the pressure of marriage and children was off. Instant relief. No one will be asking him that for a long time.
true, true. but my deal is that we've been together for 5 months. i have been having doubts since the beginning. (should be a sign). he's a nice guy. nice does not relate to boring. he's anything but... he is a very hard worker, he has many irons in many fires, he'd give you the shirt off his back. he has been married for 27 yrs. he turns 50 in a few weeks. he is established and has children and grandchildren. he goes to church and belongs to many hobby sites and forums. he wants a constant companion and someone to call his own. but he wants her to follow an interesting trail of 'must do's' in order to be his woman. she CANNOT vote, he'd prefer she didnt work outside the home. there are more. he believes in a right wing extremist group that hates JEWS, BLACKS, HOMOSEXUALS because that is what they are. he wants 'me' to believe or conform to the same way of thinking. he will not have sex unless he initiates it. he doesnt kiss and be intimate. he is rather boring in the intimacy/romantic department. when i try talking about it, he tells me i am using psychoBabble. to me these are signs to Leave!
Thanks Jennifer. I had trouble remembering where I posted this comment. I am getting better day by day, although I have stopped seeing the counsellor. I will look to find another one as there didn't seem to be much benefit and we didn't get into much.
Although every day is no longer a struggle, there are still times, like today, where I miss him so terribly much, but know there is nothing i can do about that and know telling him is pointless and would just make me feel worse.
Again, he contacted me a few weeks ago to say he'd like to talk, but, as seems to be the pattern, i have not heard from him since. Either you do or don't want to talk. Don't say you do if you really don't. And why, if you are with someone else? I love you, I care about you, but I didn't leave you! Most of my friends have said that friendship just can't be done after the end of a relationship. Why doesn't he understand that?
I have maintained no or very low contact. There will be the need for us to be in the same room together soon. After a long term relationship, you have mutual friends. Wondering whether to go one of the events as it an event of his friends. Thoughts?
Anonymous 5-6
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