Posts
Many men are confused and perhaps frustrated at times, wanting their wives to more easily get in the mood for physical intimacy.
The arousal response is different in men and women. It is true that (generally speaking) men and women respond and react differently to various forms of behavior and stimulation.
Women desire physical closeness when they feel loved, adored, appreciated, cared for, desired, and attractive by their partner. Women also are more easily stimulated when they feel sensual, sexy, and attractive as a female.
Knowing this, and gaining information from numerous research studies, it is not difficult to understand why some women are not interested in sex and why some women are more apt to desire physical closeness with their husbands.
Here are ten simple ideas for men, to help women become more interested in physical intimacy. The purpose of this list is not to create a superficial list of things men must do so they can have more sex; it is intended as some ideas to help a relationship become closer and more intimate so the sexual relationship can be a healthy and satisfying one for both partners.
1. Show appreciation - be specific and clear by noticing and expressing your gratitude for her.
2. Be kind, considerate, and compassionate, - noticing and caring for her needs; treat her as you did when you first were in love.
3. Disclose your need for her - be open as you allow yourself to be vulnerable.
4. Notice some specific wonderful traits about her - and share what you notice with your wife.
5. Compliment her for specific things - what is beautiful about your wife? Notice her physical beauty as well as her character, mind, creativity, etc. The more sexy a woman feels the more she is inclined to desire physical intimacy.
6. Tell her how you adore and cherish her - it is often difficult for a woman to want to be intimate when she does not feel important or significant.
7. Help her to feel special in your eyes - what is it that YOU admire and love most?
8. Let her know she is the most important person in your life - women respond best when they feel they are the most significant woman in your life.
9. Be affectionate - in non-sexual ways without an ulterior motive.
10.Express your love - honestly, openly, and deeply.
The key here is to not behave or say things solely for the purpose of getting some action. This list is intended to bring a closeness to the relationship that will ultimately lead to a more healthy and balanced intimate relationship.
There is a fine line between expressing love for the sake of more sex vs. being open and honest and appreciative so the relationship can be more loving and intimate.
22 comments:
Jen, Excellent list! However, you forgot a few suggestions that ALWAYS work for me:) "Do the dishes. Take out the trash. Supervise the entire bedtime routine for the children, including but not limited to baths, teeth brushing, and bedtime stories." When my husband helps with these sometimes tedious tasks of daily living it is a TOTAL turn on:) Nothing sexier than a man doing dishes...especially if he is smiling or whistling a happy tune:) Ooooh baby!!!...THAT's what does it for me:)
Love ya,
Mandisa:)
Obviously the goal is to put the queen on her pedestal and do everything for her! "Do the dishes. Take out the trash. Supervise the entire bedtime routine for the children, including but not limited to baths, teeth brushing, and bedtime stories." And that leaves you to do what exactly? Nothing! Cause its the man's job to do everything including work a full day, huh? I should enjoy it and never ask for sex because once I've done all my chores- then you'll think about it huh? Well, I hate to break it to you ladies but... the world does not revolve around you! If you don't give us love(including sex), no matter how much we love you, we will look elsewhere for it! I am disappointed, I came to this site hoping to shed light or gain some insight on what i could do to help my own situation, and you give me an inflated list (4, 5, and 7 are the same thing explained differently) of things I already do that only serve HER ego! It's girl power at its worst! What about me? I truly want to complete those tasks on your list, but when I don't feel genuine about them because it's so much work empowering YOU and trying to keep YOU happy, the machine that I am breaks down...I'm sad now... Gotta go.
Hi Anonymous...
You sound like you are doing a great job at trying to be a good partner!
Obviously this particular post does not address your situation...sorry you are disappointed and sad.
This post was specifically written to address the emotional needs of women in terms of creating feelings of sexuality, and is actually based on quite a bit of research. For example, women who receive help around the home feel more sexual toward their partner. This dynamic is supported time and time again by research.
Mandissa was sharing HER particular situation and what gets her in the mood. Others may feel differently.
This isn't in any way meant to be a bash on men, it is just reporting what women report.
You are totally right that the relationship is not solely about the women. In the hundreds of posts I have written I have tried to address the needs of men and women alike... and of course there are still hundred of more posts to write! :-)
I hope you can find the help you need for your situation... best of luck to you!
Jennifer
to the second anonymous dude...
you complain too much. if you know what you want, then why did you bother reading this?? it makes no sense. you contradict yourself. you just want attention but don't know how to get it the right way. you just sound like a baby.
so go out there, figure out what the f*ck you want and get it! stop whining and insulting the writers!
best of luck to you all.
m
hey jen,
i kind of am in the same frame as mr.anonymous...its just such an effort to make my wife feel good and in the end it only turns out that only her ego is inflated...what about us guys??? its sad that after we inflate their egos so much, she makes me feel like i am wanting and pleading...suddenly we are not good enough...not good enough to live up to the titles that we have given them...and not just titles....i mean the appreciation but most of ther times women just seem to let it get to their egos instead of the reciprocative heart..
love all....b
Hey Anonymous "M",
Thanks a bunch for your support!
Try as I might I don't address every issue so I appreciate your willingness to provide a little insight to the criticism!
Seriously, thank you! :-)
Jennifer
Hi (May 19) Anonymous "B",
Thanks for your comments.
Well, my point wasn't really about inflating a woman's ego... not at all. It was more about the emotional connection that is important for most women.
The reality is many women do not want to be sexual unless they feel emotionally connected and loved.
However, as you point out, there are other reasons for a woman not wanting sex, and certainly there are women who do not understand the importance of sexually expressing their love, and reciprocating the love and care they receive.
Often the dynamics of a relationship are reflected in the sexuality of a couple. IOW, if there is underlying anger, resentment, hurt it shows up in their sex lives.
So, for a truly healthy sexual relationship it may require looking at some of those underlying issues, working through the problems, focusing on honest and healthy communication, etc. etc.
You have given me an idea for a post... to discuss the needs of men. Hmmm... what do you think?
Warmest wishes to you,
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
I am new to your site and thought your thoughts and suggestions on sexual intimacy was awesome. Giving just for the gift of giving can have great rewards and being available even in times of stress or tiredness can really send a message of love. I, for one am turned on by loviong words and tender affection and I love to laugh. Criticism, Control and Negativity are total shutdowns for me. I am looking forward to reading more. Thanks a bunch !
Lynn in Washington
Hi Lynn in Washington!
I'm glad you found my site and thank you so much for your kind words.
I grew up in Redmond and all my extended family still life there!
I'm right with you... negativity control, and criticism are total turn-offs, and tender words and kindness are FABULOUSLY enticing!
:-)
Thanks again Lynn,
Jennifer
If you men do ALL of this, and your wife STILL doesn't respond, then I'd say that your marriage has DEEPER issues.
This article was near perfection (I agree about the helping around the house which one poster said). And this is not saying that this is something that you HAVE to do EVERY day. But it is an article to remind you that these things are necessary in a HEALTHY relationship.
Remember, the name of the article was "Top Ten Ways to Get Women in the Mood". Not "Top Ten Ways to FIX MY RELATIONSHIP". If your wife does not care enough about you to desire to please you and just wants her "ego" inflated, then there are more things going on than just lack of sex. This article was geared more toward healthy relationships that need some assistance. You guys relationships have some CRITICAL ISSUES, in which this article was not intended to completely address.
I have to say that, for 13 years, I have THOUGHT that I was doing those ten things you have listed. What I have now realized is shocking to my system. They were always done with ME in mind. It wasn't until recently that I began to do them solely for the pleasure that it would bring to my wife. What I then discovered was the immense amount of pleasure it brought me as well. By letting go, I gained everything. There were times when it would have been easy to stop, much easier than continuing to give, but I plowed through that negativity with the intense love and desire for my wife. The very next morning, after experiencing those negative emotions, I showed love and consideration and gave everything to her, and she, in return, gave me more love than I could have ever believed possible to receive. My advice is this, discover the joy you once had, when you truly believed that it was your mate that made you a whole person. Pursue that joy without wavering. Your marriage will be richer than you can imagine.
I was wondering if someone could also address what a wife can do to help herself become more in the mood?. I've tried just about everything I can afford (emotionally and financially) to try and get her interested in nocturnal activites. She's had, and continues to get treated lovingly and without pressure. Until the question is gently raised, and we get a retaliation and accusations of pressure. It is the lack of sex that creates arguments, leading to.... a further lack of sex.
My conclusion. It's got little to do with me as I am. It's her who needs to think about it more. It's really up to her to figure this out.
Divorce looms. Maybe there is someone else who is more responsive to my and her own needs?
OK, so why doesnt all this stuff work? I've been married for not even a year now and have tried all this stuff mentioned above in a consistent manner. My wife and I were married virgins, but believe me, we definitely knew we were attracted to each other. And she never wants to have sex anymore. She continually insists that she wants to, but that she's always too tired for it. She stays at home, and yes she does a good deal of the housework, but we dont have kids and some days she takes the day off and doesnt do any housework. I work 8+ hours a day at a very physical, fast-paced job and I may be exhausted at the end of the day, but I am *always* up for sex. I understand that is probably a guy thing, but that doesnt explain how a healthy young female would not want any sex. She wants the emotional connection and complains if there's ever a time when I dont give her quite enough attention (which doesnt happen often...remember, I tried everything in the list above consistently), but in turn when it comes down to any kind of sexual thing, it's always "Whew, I'm so tired" or something like that. It's almost like clockwork. I even did something last night that she admitted really turned her on, but she said she didnt want to go any further. I am about at my wits end. I have people at work who have kids in their relationships and their gfs are begging them to come home early because she got rid of the kids, and I'm like "yeah I know what's going on there" and I have to admit I'm a little jealous. She may do it super occasionally, and believe me, I make it worth her while *wink wink*, but even she admits she's forcing it a bit. sorry, guess i just needed a vent.
To the super-nice,super-wonderful-guys-who-aren't-getting-what-they-put-in:
You cannot earn her love and affection, you can either keep trying and failing, but the problem lies in you learning to receive love.
Believe me, I am recently married and I know how not getting any can really affect the mental psyche of a man, especially compromising his feelings of manhood.
let me tell you one thing... ITS NOT YOU!!! The problem is within her. If you've been lathering her with affection, she learns to be really good at receiving attention, affection and love, but she doesn't learn how to give it back.
Most certainly, the answer is that you are so focused on pleasing her, that you don't allow her to give the affection back to you.
You know how good it feels to give your woman a sensual back massage, to rub her feet, and cook an exquisite dinner for her with candlelight and Kenny G on in the background... it actually prepares YOU for great lovemaking, intimacy and feelings of romance. So the hour you put into the meal, and the two hours you've been thinking about how to romance your wife, started turning you on a lot earlier- You have been romancing her for 3 hours, while she only receives it for 30 minutes.
So my advice is this: Switch it up!!! start by asking her to do little things for you, like massage your shoulders. When she does, let her know how good it makes you feel. Don't pour it on thick, just be sincere.
after a few days, ask her to make you your favorite meal (maybe something not-to-difficult). Then while she cooks it for you, she'll be thinking about how much you'll love her cooking, and she is the one romancing you for 3 hours! When you compliment her on what she does for you, she gains a sense of why you do all the things you do.
next week, ask her to wear something that really gets you turned on, and let her know how much you like it.
The very most important thing to remember is that she is in a marriage with YOU. She loves you and that's why she married you. She IS very, very attracted to all your flaws, as well as your perfections. The deal is not in what you do for her, but in letting her do for you. Always remember to be generous in compliments, and let her know how much it means to you what she does for you.
Good luck and happy marriage!
i have tried every thing that you have said and it still dont work. i spent a month in california and have been home for a month and we have only made love once and i am getting ready to go back to iraq in october. is there any thing you can tell me to help my situation
you know what, all this stuff makes me mad, me and my wife DONT have sex more then 2-3 times a month. not my choice. BUT i have tried doing all these things for her and giving her time and space without brining it up or trying for luvin, with no results. SOOOOO my answer for anyone wondering is STOP!!!! why are you going to go out of your way to do all her daily stuff to get some booty, when is she gonna go to work for you? when she wants your money??? NO!! get a girl on the side or just get a new one all together. make yourself happy.
It really can be a stuggle... I have been married for six years. We have had a couple of kids (the oldest is three), and my wife stays at home. I know it is difficult for her to spend a lot of attention on me. I spend ~60hrs each week working... and she spends all week with the kids. When I am home, really I am all over this just to give her a break.
Our sex life has really been on hold since our oldest was born. We got pregnant again pretty quick. But now it is down to [maybe] once every couple of months. It has been hard, but I did not marry her for the sex... but for her love and companionship. It is still difficult, but I will wait for her.
We decided to take a trip together without the kids and get back in touch with eachother... just one on one without distractions. I am very confident that it will do us both some good to get closer again.
But in the end... my commitment stands to her without any sexual strings attached. I love her, and hope to get back on the same page sexually again.
Okay all of the posts great really. But it boils down to what each individual goals/desires/needs are! If sex is not a priority in your life than guess what ladies get a good woman. For men its the same. What can each of us do in our relationships to make the people in them feel special. "Dont be selfish". I am guilty as hell as loving sex and it doesnt matter what I do for the wife. I do all the cooking and laundry. I sweep take the dogs out, but guess what I dont tend to her individual needs there is just to many of them (talk about a emotional roller coaster). So men you want to change the emotional tendicies of women, than talk to your daughters about everything that you think what makes a good relationship. Because in this day of Oprah and Dr. Phil you are not going to change it!
In the end it really doesn't make any differnce guys . . . she has what we want and she holds all of the cards. I've been married for 15 years and have been a loving and faithful husband. I work hard during the day, make plenty of money, do most of the housework, always take a share of the kid's teeth brushing and story reading, and give my wife everything she wants. I put no restrictions on her and do most of the things on this list as a part of my normal routine. Still, sex is twice a month at best - never been better than that out of the 15 yrs.
Both emotionally and physically I would like to have sex more, so over the years I have tried just about everything. Like I said I already do this list, but I've also tried giving her more space, giving her less space, buy more crap, buy less crap, give more compliments, give less compliments, etc. All out assaults don't even work if she's not in the mood (exaggeration - I wouldn't ever touch my wife without consent). The worst attempt was just ignoring it until she caved. That was a mistake - I gave in after 6 weeks and begged.
Women - here's what I truly don't understand. If you could spend such a small amount of time a few times a week doing something that would keep your husband totally happy, then why don't you do it. I would do it in a heartbeat. Just tell me what it is and I'll do it, even if I don't enjoy it. I absolutely can not understand it from this perspective - emotional connection crap aside.
If you're doing all this stuff for your wife, why can't she give you a few minutes of her time even if she isn't in the mood. Hell, I wasn't in the mood to crawl around up in attic getting Christmas decorations down, but I did it since it's something that needs to get done for our family.
I'm not a therapist or anything but it seems to me like some of these wives might be depressed.
My husband works 80 hours a week and I stay home with our son. We moved across the country for his job to a place where I didn't know anyone. After a while I didn't want sex much since he was gone so much of the time and I was emotionally shielding myself by not having sex as much as I know he wanted. But if my husband wasn't as wonderful as he was/is I don't know what I would have done. Just remember that though the it's up to the women to figure out their own stuff you can be there to help and it will, in the long run, be appreciated.
My advice to the men is follow this list and help their wives feel like they have meaningful lives. Encourage her in her hobbies, help them feel included in your life by talking about work, send texts/emails during the day telling how much you love them, and have FUN together when your home.
If she's snapping at you about how your pressuring her to have sex it means she feels guilty about she's been refusing. Also, when you look needy, it's always a turnoff. And when you've been massaging her or whatever and then you start groping for sex, it makes it seem like instead of doing something sweet because you love and appreciate her you did it to get in her pants. SO... concrete advice. Keep telling her that your not up for sex. It takes the pressure off of her but more importantly it makes you unavailable. A prize to be won. See if she tries to take you up on your challenge. Try to get her to woo you.
Post a Comment